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Devoted to Archers listeners, this is where we show off their multiple talents!



	Archers parodies in the style of:
			The full story of the sinister Vlad's influence on the denizens of Ambridge. by lantana2 "... I couldn't believe it when I saw her. She was always so vibrant, and now it's as if the life is being drained out of her ..."
			The Lady Who's a Sham by RosieT "On either side the river Am lie Long fields of barley, wheat and rye ..."
			Brian the Big Blue Engine by Vicarshusband "Brian, the Big Blue Engine, steamed by on his way back to the Big Station ..."
			The Pony Club Ball by Mr Snowy "You'll be enthralled (so enthralled, so enthralled) At the Pony Club Ball (at the ball, at the ball) ..."
			The Moste Tragickal Historie of Childe Sam and Ladye Ruth by Piers_Plowman "A tale most tragickal I would relate, Of Childe Sam the Cowman and his fate ..."
			Harry Potter and the Cowman's Retirement by Vicky S ""Chimney Trap Man Unhurt", read Harry slowly ..."
			Helen Archer's diary by Vicky S "...Woke up with awful head this morning, luckily my own, not another on the pillow beside me ..."
			I've Been to a Marvellous Party by Piers Plowman "...I've been to a marvellous party, Dear David arrived with a cow. ..."
			A Rough Landing for Biggles by Vicarshusband "...It was his old foe, his Nemesis, Deborah von Aldritch ..."
			Sophie Barlow's Diary by bard of felpersham "...David looked ravishing in his distressed, vintage lambswool cardi ..."
			Ambridge seed catalogue "...Roitucka: common plant and tendency to creep. Likes familiar ground and does not translate easily ..."
			The Battle Hymn of Ambridge Cricket by Mr Snowy "... Glory, glory, good old Ambridge As our team goes marching on ..."

			The Vet Man Cometh by the_vintners_driver "... 'Twas on the Monday morning, The vet man came to call ..."

			The Bandit of Millennium Wood (In Glorious Technicolor) by Anglo-Norman "... Six foot two, with a narrow waist, broad shoulders, arms grown muscular from bodging and the calves of a champion fencer ..."

			Sting at the Vegetable Olympics by Mr Snowy "... And another guy, who was quite a toff, Kept weeping for his Charlie But for all his woes, yes he still took part He's got a heart of gold ..."

			The Shooting of William Grundy by Rural Dean "... He eyes went wanderin' round the room and he seemed in a kind of daze, Till at last through the smoke he saw someone who seemed to attract his gaze. ..."

			The First Book of Ed by jujubird "... In Am was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning ..."

			Poirot and the Village Parallel by Fieldplace "... "Ah" said Poirot putting down the Borchester Echo "A case of Cherchez Le Pere, I fear. ..."

			It pays to advertise "... Caravan for SALE. All offers considered. Perfect for family holidays in safety and comfort. Needs some work ..."

			Once We Were Citizens by Mr Snowy "... Good morning, Citizen. What news from the Revolution? ..."

			CSI: Ambridge by Sovietsong "... Most intriguing, our bovine friend here is host to some fascinating zoonoses ..."

			Whyll's Whail by Anglo-Norman "... Whan Whyll Kayper of Bhrian's Gayme, Found Aymer wyth bruther Ayd had layne ..."

			Calamity Ruth by Mathos-le-Rhymer "... Oh! The Ambridge Bus is a-rollin' on over the plains ..."

			The Hitch Hikers Guide to Ambridge by Mr Snowy "... the ape-descended life-forms were, contrary to popular belief, only the third most intelligent creatures in the village ..."

			John, Paul, George, Ringo ... and Tony "... Yesterday, all my carrots seemed so far away ..."

			Cavalcade! by Vicky S "... we have the heart of king, and an English King at that ..."

			When We Were Very Chilly by RosieT "... Hush! Hush! Whisper who dares! George Edward Grundy is saying his prayers ..."

			The Churchwarden by lantana2 "... Bishop Cyril reluctantly turned from the window of the Palace to meet the angry countenance of his spouse ..."

			You Are Old, Father William by RosieT "... "You are old, father William," the young Georgie said ..."

			GSOH? "... Young entrepreneur seeks attractive chick. Must see my sausage!"

			The Song of Tony Archer by Mr Snowy "... Neath the slopes of Heydon Berrow By the banks of great Am river ..."

			Borsetshire! by Mr Snowy "... There's a fine GM maize in the meadow It's nearly as high as an elephant's eye ..."

			Jack's Way by Mr Snowy "... The day I stood with pride And stormed the Show with my prize dahlias ..."

			Anniversary Tribute by Lady Macbeth "... When shall we three meet again At the end of Brookfield Lane? ..."

			The Tamsinbint by Rural Dean "... And has thou slain the Tamsinbint? Come to my arms, my Archer boy ..."

			The Whine List "... Blondeshula: A classy number with fantastic body and an expensive bouquet ..."

			The Borchester Bypassman by Rosie T "... The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas ..."

			Harry Potter and the Cowman's Maze by Vicky S "... When he came back he had a small scruffy owl perched on his shoulder ..."

			GCSE Archers by Lady Macbeth "... Ambridge is home to only one casserole ... ..."

			I'm an Archer - get me out of here! by Sheila Soviet Song 2nd "... I say, let's not get heated, I'm sure we can sort things out ..."

			The House at (Horse) Poo Corner by Deb Z "... Once upon a time, a very long time ago now ..."

			Father's Day by Vicky S "... I'm scared you'll drink too much Dad and smash your four wheel drive ..."

			The Godfather by Vicky S "... Jazzino, the most trusted capo spoke quietly. "Your brother Davidos has asked for a private interview" ..."

			Desert Island Ambridge But how will Sue Lawley cope?

			Ambridge Film Club Not showing in a multi-plex near you ...

			The Professor Chaba Unwin Lecture by Clint Driftwood "she was verily lovelode and a really humplode binny crumpleybit ..."

			Don Brian (Part Three) by Bella Milbanke "He almost seemed to find his spirit cowed But those who knew him, knew that he was proud ..."

			Around the Am by Clint Driftwood "Mmmmmm, I wonder whom those two people are over there dressed in pink? ..."

			The Fable of the Two Thrushes by Vicky S "The thrushes cared for the fledging as though it was their own ..."

			High Noon by Anglo Norman "Well, well," said Jolene, flaunting her ankles outrageously, a clever trick since they were hidden behind the bar ..."

			Strange Days by Fancy Day "The breeding programme had gone well ..."

			The Little List by Anglo-Norman "The feckless caf茅 manager who thinks he's rather fine/But is widely held by us to be an utter waste of time ..."

			Constanza Llama's Diaree by Deb Z "deenner pardees comeeng back eento fashion ..."

			The Mayor of Ambridge by Deadly Ernest "What'll ye give me for this work of nature?" he roared ...

			A Picture of Jill Archer by Deb Z "Jill took a torch from her handbag and advanced to the darkest corner ..."

			Borsetshire Saints by SausageEater "The exemplary life of St Hayley is well-known to many ..."

			Jiggles Does It Again by Anglo Norman " "What ho, Jiggles!" called Lieutenant David 'Archie' Archer to the leading pilot. ..."

			Summer Competition winners A bumper harvest ...

			Come Into the Polytunnels, Ian by Alfred, Lord Venison (aka Poll Barn) "Come into the polytunnels, Ian,/For the black bat, Peggy, has flown, ...鈥�

			Tears of the Crocodile by Deb Z "Mma Peggeewoollee sat on the stoep ...鈥�

			Squire Aldridge's Journal (Part V) by Robert Ing "Much concern'd abt Stepson Adam. Since he quarrel'd with innkpr...鈥�

			Lochinvar by Poll Barn [with apologies to Sir Walter Scott] "O, young Lochinvar is come out of the west, Through all Borsetshire his white t-shirt is best; 鈥�

			The Restaurant At The End Of Universe by Almond Aire (in tribute to the late Douglas Adams) "No, Kenton, your idiot relation has it right," said Nelson. David stuttered in fury. 鈥漎ou moved forward 500 thousand million years while staying in the same place.鈥�

			The Fugitive by Mandy Lifeboats "..Clive had grabbed the man's arm to prevent him from throwing the bomb, but too late - In the confusion and explosions the man had shoved him over and made his getaway..."

			A Scaree Momento by Deborah Z More from Wolfgang and Constanza: "...whad you want now - haffn't we juss redecorated shed? You wan' we go on bycycle ride? On holeeday? Make blind date? ..."

			Borchester Towers by Lantana "..Bishop Cyril started at his wife's voice, for although to the world he appeared a successful man, in all matters arising within the Palace at Felpersham, his lady exercised a despotic rule.."








	Archers Fantasies Go to our new Fantasy page and read some fantastic flights of fancy. Our readers' fantasies include: "The Great Pargetters" and "The Witches of Ambridge



	Archers parodies in the style of:

			The Battle Hymn of Ambridge Cricket by Mr Snowy "... Glory, glory, good old Ambridge As our team goes marching on ..."

			The Vet Man Cometh by the_vintners_driver "... 'Twas on the Monday morning, The vet man came to call ..."

			Lucky by Katy Bollen (Inspired by a D H Lawrence short story) "... Puzzled, Adam drew closer, wondering who could be there with him. They were deep into the woods now, where hardly anyone ever came ..."

			B Life! by Vicky S and Sovietsong "... B Life! will be there to entertain, guide and inform you about everything that is buzzing in Borsetshire ..."
			"Alice's Ambitions", a topping schoolgirl tale by Anne Marie Hawkins "... Alice Aldridge is captain of the Upper Fifth at Mary Pound Academy for Daughters of Gentleman Farmers ..."
			Christophurr the Mystery Boy by Norma Normal "... He just gets on with homework while Neil and Susan fuss And if he has a private life, well he's not telling us! ..."

			The Ancient Midsummer Melody by Jenny Darling "... The farmer he entreated "please stop and hear my tale of the loss of my dear daughter, which makes me weep and wail ..."

			A Midsummers' Carol by Clint Driftwood "... With her clothes sticking to her body she would walk reluctantly to his desk. Aldridge would then turn ..."
			An Ambridge Nativity by Almond Aire "...In those days there came a decree from Caesar Matteus that all were to pay tribute to him ..."

			The Knave and the Badger by Chris Hanson "...The Duke and Duchess of Loxley were seated on their thrones. The Duke was wearing a great badger hair wig..."

			William Grundy - Who Had Ideas Above His Station by Eliaine Mc "... In time the happy girl and boy decided to try wedded joy. And Emma's mother, justly mad that she should date a Grundy Lad..."



			Paddington in Ambridge by Chris Hanson "... Excuse me, but are you sheep?" The two animals looked at each other and at Paddington, and made a strange noise..."

			Steady As She Goes, Jeeves by Robert Ing "... When Jeeves had done, the premonitions, like sorrows, were coming not as single spies but in batallions..."

			A Borsetshire Lad by Sheila SovietSong "...Is my sow farrowing, And does the tractor drive Along the selfsame furrows As when I was alive?..."

			Ambridge Side Story by Deborah Z "... Will: Against the Carters, we need everyone we got. Fallon: Ed don鈥檛 belong anymore. Will: Cut it Fallon. Ed and me are the Grundy gang..."

			Shuvyira's Lover Robert Browning/Oscar Wilde "... He did not wear his tasselled shoes For tassels are for tarts Or babies' jackets, milky-soft, And now the trouble starts: The poor mad woman whom he loved, Had used his tie for dart..."

			The Daddy by Jenifer Bennett "... Brian looked up and down the street. The only other car he could see was a beat-up looking saloon. Standing on bricks..."

			Lynda Loves Llamas by Phyllis Doris "... she feels that the joys of parenthood are vastly overrated when compared with the gentle dramas of keeping llamas..."

			Who's Afraid of Vanessa Whitburn? by Phylis Doris " ...SUSAN: Pour me another drink, lover. NEIL: Already? Jesus, you're swilling it down. SUSAN [angrily]: Get me a drink. I can handle it. I can drink you under any goddam table you want!..."

			Richmal Crompton (Just William) by Jenifer Bennett "...She hoped wholeheartedly that Mrs Hebden-Lloyd did not perceive the unchristian shudder of distaste that always passed through her as she placed her hand on Daniel's unendearing head..."

			The Memory Lapse or, Virtue in Ambridge by Anglo-Norman " ...Dramatis Personae: Sir Novelty Corkscrew, Master of Lower Loxley Hall. Lady Eliza Corkscrew, his wife. Luckless, a gambling veterinarian. Shula, his wife.."

			Jennifer's Dairy by Almond Aire "... Over her glamorous new underwear she put on the red dress that always gave her such confidence..."

			The Diverting Story of Ollie Foxbrush by Norma Normal "... Respected in the town, Because he was a hunting man, I suppose, it made him feel, He had to put upon his phone, A ring tone of John Peel..."

			The Courtship of the Bumbly Phumbly Phil by Norma Normal "... Through the rain and sleet he`s ambling On his way to Lakey Hill, Humming as he waves his baton Comes the Bumbly Phumbly Phil..."

			JDea, A Tragedy by ms_S (with deepest apologies to Euripides) " ... O woe, O cruel Fates! The gods have seen fit to destroy the once glorious House of Aldrigeus. For mine own daughter, JDea has been cruelly deceived by her husband ..."

			Rebecca Archer Deborah Z "... There was Brookfield, our Brookfield, secretive and silent as it always had been, its timber framing black in the moonlight of my dream..."

			The Book of Grundy by Anne Marie Hawkins '..." ...And Grundy and Tucker were craven before the Lord's wrath, and went forth to toil in the YARD. And unto the fullest was the bouncy castle inflated, and its span was found to be greater than one hundred cubits..."

			Five on a Farm by Anne Marie Hawkins '..."I say," exclaimed Kenton,"who's that frightful, common-looking boy in the garden? "Oh, that's Mrs Grundy's son, Edward. He's so terrifically common he doesn't even go to boarding school!"


			The Strange Case of... by Almond Aire "Do you know where Greg is?' Brian asked again, but he did not sound as though he was very interested in the answer. 'He hasn't been feeling himself lately. I'm his sister, Eduarda.' The eyes flashed. 'Why don't you come in..."

			The Lovesong of A Artist Ashok by Becky E "...And indeed there will be time... / Time to cultivate some awfully messy hair / That signifies an artist in despair ..."

			Alan Clark's Diaries by Lennie the Cat "...I undress and examine myself carefully in the mirror. I still have the physical capital of my long youth to draw on and am clearly in better shape than that balding life-insurance-risk Sterling..."

			Agatha Chrisite by Nia Nye "...The little Belgian paced the parquet floor and turned to face the gathered assembly. "Now, mes enfants, let us recapitulate the facts as we know them ..."

			John Betjeman by by Joanna Townmouse "..Then smash Jack Woolley's jollity, And Peggy's pledge of constant tea, Please stop her whingeing snobbery. And Linda Snell..."

			John Betjeman (Come friendly bombs) by Lennie the Cat "...But deemed it an obscenity That there was no amenity Open as yet for wheelchair use Or 'parents' room (how timely For Brian's latest family) Hence the plan to revamp the loos..."

			Bridget Jones's Diary (Brenda) by Little Dot "...Reminded him that he was only jealous as his last relationship was before Abba broke up and he's the breakfast show presenter on Radio Borsetshire, not Chris Evans..."

			Bridget Jones (Shula) by Joanna Townmouse "..Fags 0, Booze 0, friends' boyfriends slept with 0 (two nights in a row v.v.v.v.g) Casseroles eaten 12 (bad) then threw up in new Ambridge memorial lavatories (good) 11 stone 4 (bad). Day at stables. No customers as per usual..."

			Rupert Brooke by Lennie the Cat "...Ah God! to see net curtains stir In Ambridge, close to Borchester! To smell the thrilling-sweet and rotten..."


			Lord Byron by Don Brian "...There are young lads, 'tis true, a deal more pretty, More boastful, keen and fit for fighting; I doubt if e'en their mothers call them witty, We shall not call their company exciting ..."

			Lewis Carroll by Bekki Sharpe "...Beware the Jazzerwock, my son! The wobbly eggs, the dodgy crack, Beware the ju-ju weed, and shun The woodland opium shack!"..."

			Chaucer by David Humphreys "...To all thys noyse of musicke thay were bent To make a rocke band was hir entente..."

			Dr Who by Tony Keen "... Before the Doctor could respond, Jo carried on. "Look, there's this great village I read about in the travel section of the paper..."


			Cold Comfort Farm by Little Dot ""...It took two cups of Jill鈥檚 overly strong tea and a slice of home made Madeira cake before Flora managed to escape..."

			The Ne'r-do-Well's Tale (An extract from The Felpersham Tales) by Anglo Norman "...The next who roas to speek was a young manne, "Myn name ys Edde, of Grundie stock I am, Myne ys a tayle to split thy heart with grief ..."

			The Archer's Tale by David Humphry's "...In Ambridge whylom a taverne there was Wherein a sort of rogues abode, allas And gaven alle themselves to ribaudrye And eke to riotous debaucherye ..."

			William Grundy - Who Had Ideas Above His Station And Incurred A Mother's Wrath by Eliaine Mc "...When William Grundy, known as Will (His family never called him Bill) Was just eighteen, he fell in love ..."

			Arthur Conan Doyle by Steve Killick "...'Simplicity itself,' replied the great detective, 'You are wearing cricket pads, have a tee shirt on which the words "Ask me for a Hassett Hills Organic Shank" are written..." More parodies below or you can browse them in greater detail on our second parody page: Alexander Pope Damon Runyon Shakespeare The Shipping Forecast Shelley Lord Tennyson Walter Mitty William Wordsworth The Young Visiters Squire Haggard's Journal Stanley Holloway (Albert and the Lion) Ted Hughes Philip Larkin T S Eliot (Practical Cats) T S Eliot (The Wasteland) The Fast Show Flashman Georgette Heyer Gilbert and Sullivan Thomas Gray Stanley Holloway (The Battle of Hastings) Monty Python John Le Carre John Masefield Molesworth





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