Â鶹ԼÅÄ

Georges coughed slightly and Poirot looked up from his copy of the Borchester Echo.

"There's a lady, a girl and a baby, sir." George stressed the word girl disapprovingly "They wish to consult you about a missing person".

"Ah" said Poirot putting down the Borchester Echo "A case of Cherchez Le Pere, I fear. Send them into the morning room, Georges".

When Poirot entered the room the two women turned and he said dramatically pointing to the baby "When did you last see his father?"

"Yesterday evening sir" said the elder "But it's not because of him that we've come calling. It's our Edward. He's not been seen since Saturday night and I'm ever so worried. His father and brother say he'll turn up when he's tried his friends' patience but I fear for him and Pat said we should consult you".

"It's all my Dad's fault he wouldn't let Ed come in the house and Mum says …" the younger one interjected.

"Excuse me but may I know to whom I have the honour of addressing?"

"I'm Mrs Clarrie Grundy and this is my ex-daughter-in-law, Emma, and her son, George".

"I'm charmed to meet you Madame and your multi-hyphenated relations. Now tell me the facts as you see them".

So Mrs Grundy Senior told her story and Poirot, in between stroking his moustaches, made notes. Then Mrs Grundy Junior told her story, Poirot's face remained calm but he looked longingly, over her shoulder, at the Stuffed Trout he had landed many years ago at Netherborne Hall.

"May I ask one question Mesdames - where is the white T-shirt?"

Emma's face paled, she gulped "You mean he's pulled?"

"Did you not hear the howling at the Full Moon? If we do not act soon Gregory Damien Archer will be conceived!"

***

Georges had accompanied Mesdames Grundy in their Second Class carriage to Hollerton Junction whilst Poirot reflected on the case in First Class. He was grateful he was spared the young Madam's hysterics and marvelled at the fortitude of the boy's mother. He looked again at his copy of the Borchester Echo and the headline "Local Cheesemaker Wins" with a picture of a smiling Helen Archer underneath. He looked at his pocket watch. In thirty minutes they'd be at Hollerton Junction. Why did that station name ring a bell? If only his little grey cells were as agile as they once were. Would they get to Ambridge before the diabolic act occurred?

A wolf howled in the distance as the train pulled into Hollerton Junction. Mesdames Grundy and George walked up to him. "Eddie can't collect us he's got to deliver a whistling gnome so we'll have to go by Inch".

"Inch you say Madame?"

"Well Mike's not really Inch but he's taken on his business"

"Imbecile" exclaimed Poirot

"No he's lost the sight in one eye" replied Madame Clarrie

"No you misunderstand me Madame. It is I, Hercules Poirot, who has been an imbecile. We must separate now but we will meet again at Keeper's Cottage; Georges will accompany you to ensure your safety"

Mesdames Grundy got into the rear of Inch's cab whilst George sat next to Mike Tucker in the front. Poirot waited for another cab and shivered at the sound of the wolves howling. A motor car pulled up and Poirot got in the back. It was a long shot but if he was to succeed it required desperate measures. The minicab drove him onto the bypass and then via twisting lanes to the cottage. Poirot got out and rang the old fashioned bell pull. A chain was put on the door and it opened a crack.

"Florence it is you n'est-ce pas? I would not ask to see your mistress at this hour if it was not urgent."

The maid closed the door, took off the chain and admitted Monsieur Poirot. She left him in the hall for a moment and then returned saying that her mistress would see him straight away and would he like some cocoa? He winced but accepted as it was better than the café.

"So Hercules once more you need the assistance of one who understands village life"

"Indeed Mademoiselle Jane. The circumstances are these …"

The grey haired bowed close to the dyed black one and the story of Ed's disappearance was retold.

***

Jane Marple listened on with an inscrutable look, which would have made Fu Manchu appear a host on a game show, as Hercules Poirot related the story of the two Grundy brothers and Emma Carter.

"… and so, Mademoiselle Jane, I thought that when it comes to Village Parallels it is you who are the expert" Poirot said as he ended the tale.

She put her head on one side and adopted a far away look "So the little grey cells have failed him therefore he expects me to dig him out of the brown and smelly" she thought but years of "submissiveness training" kicked in and she did not answer "Hercules, we obviously move in different social circles", as a parallel had just struck her.

"Little Harry Meredith" she exclaimed, looking pleased with herself, "His father was a Welsh farmhand who married a local farmer's daughter, Harry was their second son and he fell in love with Kate, who was his brother's girl. Her mother was very arrogant and the whole thing ended very sadly" Jane replied with a smile, which said I listened to Miss Sharp's History lessons but I bet they never taught English history in Belgium.

"What happened to them Miss Jane?" Poirot almost begged

"Oh the girl got what she deserved for lying about her relationships. Deserted by both brothers, with only her child for support, the younger brother took up with a girl who really knew how to party, then with a girl who didn't, then with an ugly Belgian refugee" Jane enjoyed that swipe at Poirot "then with a schoolgirl - which caused a lot of bad publicity - and finally with a young widow, who was quite the best thing to ever to happen to him".

"But how does that Village Parallel help me pin the rap on Helen Archer?"

"Monsieur Poirot, I thought the sound of the wolves would have explained that!" Jane was glad there was a question she could solve. Looking at his perplexed egg head with those silly "moustaches" she giggled "Grey Gables was originally owned by the Willoughby family, but when Sir Lionel died his daughters sold the Chase to a Victorian toilet paper manufacturer called Grey and he changed the name".

Poirot thought the poor old dear had finally lost the plot and he'd never solve the mystery of Ed Grundy and why Helen Archer had kidnapped him.

"It's the Village Parallel which instantly suggested it to me. Somewhere there's a parallel Village to Ambridge where Greg is alive and happy." Jane smiled to herself, just because she'd always lived in St Mary's Mead people forgot that she was the Emeritus Professor of Elementary Physics. She picked up her crotchet work. If she didn't finish this bridal veil Nigel Pargetter would see who he was marrying on the rebound. "You must go quickly and find where Ed has been hidden before the Full Moon when Helen will try to cross between the parallel villages".

Florence showed the foreign detective out as a wolf in the parallel world howled outside the Chase.

***

"Madame Archer I've come about your daughter's export order to Iran. Few family-run dairies export their whole output to an Islamic country. may I see your daughter" Poirot said as a follow up to his introduction.

"Helen sleeps over our shop" Pat replied.

"So what is that which lights up the dairy?"

Pat looked at the electric blue glow emanating from the dairy window "Tony, have you left the arclights on in the dairy".

"No love, why should I do that ..." But Pat and Poirot were already heading for the fluorescent dairy. Upon entering they saw the light was coming from the cheese vats. Poirot held out a small device which started to hum.

"Madame Pat, it is not usual for plutonium to be found in a blue cheese is it?"

Pat's mouth was moving and only occasional words came out "How could she? ... Has she understood nothing ... All we've ever worked for ... Oh John ... Ton-ee".

But Poirot had already entered the car and was asking to be taken to the shop. He now knew of the power source, the means of disposing of the waste, now he must find the door to the other world. Suddenly he saw a glow by Grey Gables and heard a howling sound.

"Alors, Inch, take me to the 'otel". They passed the Lodge and saw the snow settling on the roof of Grey Gables and a doorway casting the shadow of two people. The taxi stopped and Poirot called out

"Miss Archer let the boy go. He is not yours to trade". Helen swung round and her face was smiling. "He'll soon be mine". Ed just stood there in his white T-shirt and a glazed look, "At least" thought Poirot "he is unharmed". The light round the doorway glowed with greater intensity and a man's shadow appeared. Helen ran towards it but something bounded past it - a wolf. It went straight for Helen, a shot rang out, a body fell to the ground and Greg - for it was he - said "Damn I missed."

The wolf continued running towards Grange Farm. Ed seemed to stir himself as he heard a woman's voice: "Oh Greg, come back inside it's so cold without you to snuggle up to". Ed launched himself at the ghostly Greg and as they struggled with the shotgun a further shot rang out and a ghostly Emma fell to the ground.

The Senior Receptionist ran out of the hotel lobby and towards the glowing light. She invoked the Angels Michael, Uriel, Ariel and, most importantly, Gabriel and the door between the worlds closed.

"Come with me Greg. You need a drink" she said. They headed across the lobby towards the bar when a smart well-dressed woman in tweeds came out of an office marked "Private".

"Oh Caroline can I have those rotas straight away" Lynda said.

"Certainly Mrs Sterling" Miss Bone replied "just as soon as I've ..." "You must remember Caroline that Willoughby Chase always comes first. Greg can make his way to the Bar unaided I'm sure" she sniffed.

Meanwhile Poirot re-united a shocked Ed to his mother. "You see Madame Grundy, Helen told Ed that in the parallel world Emma never married Will. What she omitted to mention was that Emma had married Greg. She was relying on the white T-shirt distracting Emma whilst she snatched Greg into this world. She would swap Ed for Greg."

"But what about the Wolf?" "I believe it went in the direction of The Stables. Now I must return to Mademoiselle Jane and sample her Wormwood Cordial".

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon



<<Back