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The Lady Who's a Sham
by RosieT
 Camelot becomes Felpersham in this retelling of , contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic of . But who is the cursed lady? You’ll have to work that out yourself:
PART I
ON either side the river Am lie
Long fields of barley, wheat and rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the fields the A19110 runs by
To many-tower'd Felpersham;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island on the Am.
Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes rustle, and shiver
Thro' the wave that runs for ever
By the Green that's near the river
Flowing down to Felpersham.
Grey Gables, and Ambridge Halls,
Overlook a group of walls;
And Chris and Josh, who play with balls
see The Lady, who's a sham
By Barford Bridge, now willow-veil'd,
Slides Grundy's cart, now heavily-trail'd
By Bartleby; and, all unhail'd
Goes Rufus, new-restored, unscaled;
Skimming down to Felpersham:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or as she's known in all the land,
The Lady, who's a sham
Only milkers, milking early
In among the combover barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to tower'd Felpersham:
And by the moon the milkmen weary,
Piling cheeses in the dairy,
Listening, whisper, 'Tis the fairy
The Lady, who's a sham!
PART II
There she dips by night and day
A magic chocpot, coloured gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To buy her choc in Felpersham.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she gobbles steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady, who's a sham.
And moving thro' a computer clear
That sits before her all the year,
Images of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Felpersham:
There, by river, Eddie whirls,
And there, the surly village-churls,
And cloaks of Borchester Green girls,
Pass onward from Felpersham.
Sometimes a troop of women glad,
A vicar on a motorbike pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-hair'd solicitor in crimson clad,
Go by to tower'd Felpersham;
And sometimes thro' the computer blue
She sees cowmen come riding two and two:
She hath no cowman proving true,
The Lady, who's a sham
But in her chocolate she delights
To add the dippings from internet sites,
For often thro' the silent nights
A gourmet grill meal with liver and lights,
And music, goes to Felpersham:
Or when the moon is overhead,
Come two young lTuckers lately wed;
'I am half sick of fertility,' said
The Lady, who's a sham.
PART III
And straight now from the Hereford beef,
He rode between the barley-sheaf,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaf,
And flamed upon the brazen thief
Of bold Sir Sam the Sham.
A courgette bald, forever peeled,
A mighty silver platemeter (sealed)
That sparkled on the clover field,
Beside remote river Am.
All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Felpersham.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded platemeteor, trailing light,
Moves over still River Am.
His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Felpersham.
From the bank and from the river
He flash'd into the crystal mirror,
'Tirra lirra,' by the river
Sang Sir Sam the Sham
She left the choc, she left perfume,
She made three paces thro' the room,
She saw the casserole resume,
She heard the masive sonic boom,
She look'd down to the Am!
Out flew the Aga and floated wide;
The chocolate fountain splashed from side to side;
"It's huge! It's hard! Oh, nooo!"!' she cried
The Lady who's a sham
PART IV
In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Felpersham;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady who's a sham
And down the river's dim expanse-
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance-
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Felpersham.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady who's a sham
Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right-
The leaves upon her falling light-
Thro' the noises of the night
She floated down to Felpersham:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady who's a sham
Heard a carol, heard wayne Foley,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darken'd wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Felpersham;
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady who's a sham
Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Felpersham.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady who's a sham.
Who is this? and what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they cross'd themselves for fear,
All the knights at Felpersham:
But Philip mused a little space;
He said, 'She has a lovely face;
She looks, a little, like my Grace,
The Lady who's a sham.
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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