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Squire Aldridge's Journal (Part V)
by Robert Ing

A further entry in this occasional series from the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.








5 May: Gales. My Man Grog d By His Own Hand. Sevl Cardinals poison'd by Jesuits in Verona. Turks at gates of Vienna again.

Thos Groundsell placed in pillory for unpay'd tithes.

(ITEM: to Davd Archer for eggs, 0£ 0s 2d, the Rogue initially demandg 3d though they were scarce stale).

Won 5 sovs of Sir Oliver Foxbrush a-wagerg on the Assizes, though the sport was exceedg poor: Bart Bugle hang'd for stealg a turnip; Jos Knotweed transported for being a Papist; and Obd Odd whippt at cart's tail for consortg with gipsies.

Much concern'd abt Stepson Adam. Since he quarrel'd with innkpr abt I know not what, he has been much afflicted with the Melancholick Distemper and shows but little inclination to restore his Humours by going a-wenchg as wd have been my wont at his age. I fear he yet ails for sthg and requires further physick.

(ITEM: to Leeches, 0£ 0s 2d).

6 May: Storms. Abr Weasel bitten by a worat and d. Obd Toadstool d of Contortions of the Pipes. Coroner sat on My Man Grog and found that he d By His Own Hand.

Sorely vex'd at display of Jacobin emblems by sevl Grundies, and determin'd to see them evicted next Quarter Day. Vicar call'd in the PM, but the Cantg Dog persisted in handg out tracts for the Anti-slavery Society, so I was oblig'd to fling a bott ink at him.

(ITEM: to bott of ink to replace that wch I flung at Vicar, 0£ 0s 1/4d).

Dined upon boil'd pigs' feet and sprouts; exceedg hard to discern wch was the worse.

(ITEM: to brandy, 0£ 2s 6d).

7 May: Rain. Jos Gumboil d, suppsdly of the Morbid Exhalations, but no Man can surely say after Parish Clerk d of the Spanish Pox. After Long discussions w Vicar, My Man Grog buried at crossroads.

(ITEM: to a Sturdy Stake, 0£ 0s 3d).

Shower of potatoes reported in Lincolnshire. His Mjsty the King now reported to believe himself a Polecat, refusg to bath, and fetch'd Mr Pitt a grievous Nip in the Unmentionables.

Thos Groundsell releas'd from pillory. Mistr Ikea Flatpack placed in Scold's Bridle. Spat upon dissentg Minister in the PM, and wd have kick'd a Papist but the Rogue was too quick for me.

(ITEM: to Breeches, 0£ 0s 9d).

Din'd but ill upon Tripe and Udders. And Claret.

(ITEM: to Claret, 0£, 1s 3d).

My Man Grog dug up by Resurrectionists, who did not forebear to steal the Sturdy Stake for wch I lavish'd the sum of 0£ 0s 3d.

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon



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