Â鶹ԼÅÄ

FX: Sound of whirring helicopter blades, aerial shot of Ambridge, in whose mean streets we see ...

***SCENE 1***

Angled shot of crime scene. A body is covered by a sheet. Rain descends. Superimposed title "Lower Loxley. May Day holiday. 4pm"

Deadpan Detective (DD): So, the girlfriend says he ate a burger, foamed at the mouth, dropped like a stone.

Closeup of KIRSTY wrapped in a blanket, sobbing.

Kirsty: It was a venisonburger. Sam said, I'd love a venisonburger. I thought ... (stops)

DD: You thought what, lady?

Kirsty: I thought - perhaps this means it'll be OK between him and Tom.

Draw back swiftly to show Gourmet Grills van in rain-sodden Lower Loxley forecourt, with assorted tourists, Archers and bodgers peering at the dreadful scene.

***SCENE 2***

Interview room. TOM ARCHER is seated, gripping the table tensely.

Tom: I tell you, I didn't do it! I didn't even serve him!

DD: But you made the burger.

Tom: No, well ...

DD: You made the burger. (Pause) And Kirsty's one hot babe.

Tom: No! (pause) Well, yes! But it's all over.

DD (leans over menacingly): Like the last time? The last time you dumped her and then got back together in a steamy night of lust. I saw the look you gave her back there.

TOM is riveted in DD's gaze like a rabbit in a trap.

DD: You did it didn't you?

TOM slumps.

***SCENE 3***

Forensic Lab. SAM's body is laid out. Laconic Aging Dapper Forensic Expert (LADFE) is poking it around.

DD: What've you found?

LADFE: Most intriguing, our bovine friend here is host to some fascinating zoonoses, but they're not what killed him.

DD: Eh?

LADFE: No, it was poison alright, poison in the burger. (pause) But it's proving dam' difficult to trace. Not the usual things.

Shot of really unpleasant squiggy bits being taken out of Sam and put in a bag. LADFE hands bag to DD. DD grunts.

***SCENE 4***

Laboratory, shot at odd angle and with coloured filter. Tense music.

Feisty Off-the-Wall Woman (FOWW), in white coat and improbable hair, puts bits of squigg in retorts, adds liquids, shoves them through machines, looks at screens with wavy lines on them, shakes her head, puts more squigg in tubes, fiddles around with computer. Screen blinks and says "Match. Match." Enter DD.

FOWW: Perfect timing. This is really interesting. Now - WHERE did the venison in the venisonburger come from?

***SCENE 5***

Interview room. Adam is distraught.

Adam: I don't know what you mean. They're all ethically farmed. Our deer are happy deer. There's no way they could pick up ... that disease.

DD: Jacduvetphilia

Adam: (breaks down) It's a nightmare, a nightmare (wildly) Did Debbie put you up to this. She did, didn't she? She'd do anything to get at me, murder, poison, I bet it was Debbie, she couldn't wait to have her Grand Plan implemented, oh no, Queen Debbie wanted to finish me off quickly! It's her you want! Yes! Yes! (Adam is dragged out kicking and screaming)

DD: (Shakes his head, broodingly) There's something here that doesn't quite fit.

***SCENE 6***

Superimposed title "Brookfield. 2 May. 8am". FOWW, dressed in very clean overalls and rubber gloves, is working over the inside of an extremely dirty Brookfield Family Car.

FOWW: (lifts up with tweezers what looks like a Payne's Poppet) Got you! (Puts item in plastic bag. Seals it.)

***SCENE 7***

Superimposed title ""Brookfield. 2 May. 9am". Kitchen. Ruth looks strained, nervy.

Deadpan Detective: So, you know nothing about a muntjac?

Josh: Mummy, mummy where's Monty? (close up of Ruth's ravaged features)

Josh: Mummy, mummy where's Monty?

DD: (bends down to Josh) You're trying to find Monty?

Josh: (tugs DD towards enormous freezer and points at it) Monty was bye-byes! Monty was resting! Now Monty gone!

Ruth (bawls) JOSH! (moans) Ohh nooooooo.

Enter DAVID: Yes, love, yes. It's all over. (to DD) It was me. I killed Monty and put him in the freezer. Then I hid him with the Â鶹ԼÅÄ Farm carcases. It's my fault he ended up in a Gourmet burger. So it was me killed Sam. (quietly, looking at Ruth) And she'll never forgive me. (Ruth breaks down crying "Sam, Sam". David is led away. Josh and Pip start playing "hide Ben in the Aga".)

***SCENE 8***

The Feisty Off-the-Wall Woman's lab. She and Deadpan Detective are sipping coffee.

DD: So, Monty's late mother escaped from the secret Biological Warfare institute under Lakey Hill.

FOWW: (nods) And she passed on their latest discovery. The harmless Jacphilia bacterium - which mutates into deadly Jacduvetphilia as soon as the carrier Muntjac makes contact with a warm duvet. But you only die -

DD: - if you eat the muntjac. Unluckily for Sam, Pip'n'Josh kept asking David to spell "Muntjac" -

FOWW: - and he couldn't take it. Or spell it. So he killed Monty in a frenzy, then tried to cover his tracks.

DD: Because of his criminal record. Badgers. Cows. It would all have come out. (sips coffee) The irony is, he ended up killing his wife's secret lover.

Pause. They both sip coffee.

FOWW: You know, it's strange nobody else got killed by the poison burgers.

DD: No, what's strange is, they did (Flips open notebook). Titcombe, Higgs, Pugsley ... there's about six of them. But no-one noticed. That's what strange. They disappeared, and no-one noticed.

(Pause) Just like they weren't there ...

Screen blacks out.

Sig tune: Who Are You. (perf. The Who).

THE END

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon



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