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The Book of Grundy
by Anne Marie Hawkins

From Ed's Sea Scrolls, recently discovered in a cave in the Holy Land.

1 Now the Lord said unto Grundy, Get thee out of thy armchair, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, and unto a YARD that I will SHEW thee. And the length of it shall be one hundred and fifty cubits, and the breadth of it shall be one hundred cubits.

2 And there I shall give thee TUCKER for thy helpmeet, and there thou shalt make a great Christmas Market even saving this is the Old Testament. And I will bless it and make thy name great.

3 So Grundy departed and Tucker went with him. And seventy times seven was the number of mooning Santas they cast out of concrete. And five hundred was the number of Norway Spruces to be delivered.

4 And they hastened into the tents of Clarrie and Betty their wives, and said, Make haste, take meal, and milk, and honey, and QUICKLY make ready four score cakes that are called Victoria SANDWICHES.

5 And their wives replied, Hearken unto them. What knowest thou, fools, for VICTORIA sandwiches are made from Marg, Flour, Sugar, and Eggs. DEPART from our kitchen, accursed, and covet not those PASTIES with thine eyes.

6 And Grundy spake soft words unto his wife, saying, How beautiful are thy feet, O Larkin's daughter, thy breasts are as twin bushels of wheat, and unto thee I give, as a token of my love, a mooning concrete Santa.

7 And his wife's EYES were as flames of fire, and she spake, I will show thee a great and MIGHTY mountain, from whence thou canst take a running JUMP. And if thou liftest not thy hand from yonder pasties, EVEN those which art burnt and ill-formed, I shall put about thy neck a great millstone, and cast thee into the Am.

8 And Grundy cried unto the Lord, LORD, why servest thou me in such wise? And the Lord smote Grundy with his wrath, saying, Hearken, I created thee in the image of the comic underdog whom it befittest never to succeed. ONCE before I have cast thee from the garden of Ambridge, and thou art lucky to be back amongst my chosen people.

9 And Grundy and Tucker were craven before the Lord's wrath, and went forth once more to toil in the YARD. And unto the fullest was the bouncy castle inflated, and its span was found to be greater than one hundred cubits. And there was a great hanging of fairy lights and draping of tinsel. And the people entered the citadel and partook of the feast, and Grundy rejoiced, crying, Friend, we are truly blessed, for did not the Lord SAY he would make great my name?

10 And Tucker his helpmeet spake unto him, saying, YEAH, but why all the random CAPITALS? And Grundy answered, I DUNNO, do I, Squire, it must be the MYSTERIOUS way of the Lord.

11 And Grundy and Tucker took up their purses of talents and went unto an INN. And they drank the wine and were drunken; and Grundy was uncovered within his tent. And Edward his son saw the nakedness of his father, and told his brother William, and Emma his concubine without. And they took a garment and laid it upon their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

12 But CLARRIE his wife was wrath, crying LORD, thou knowest I am a just and righteous woman, wherefore do I deserve to be served thus?

13 And the Lord took pity upon Clarrie his servant, and caused Grundy to waken from his drunkenness, seated upon the mooning Santa. And he cried out, saying, Wherefore, Lord, am I so placed, upon this concrete Santa? And the voice of the Lord replied, saying, Verily, wherefore art thou surprised, for she told thee what thou couldst do with it.