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The
Diverting Story of Ollie Foxbrush
by
Norma Normal
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This
Hillaire Belloc-style Cautionary Tale was contributed to the Fantasy
Archers topic of The Archers .
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Oll
Foxbrush was a citizen
Of credit and reknown
Master of Foxhounds eke was he
Respected in the town
Because he was a hunting man
I suppose, it made him feel
He had to put upon his phone
A ring tone of John Peel
Now
this was fine when he was out
At restaurants hunts and such
But Caroline, his other half
She didn`t like it much
In fact it used to drive her mad
And start her off so that
She told him he should get it changed
And stop being such a prat.
Now
Caroline and Oliver
Though not quite man and wife
Decided they should have a child
Which would enhance their life
Though neither was what you`d call young
And not quite in their prime
They longed to give a lad or lass
A really jolly time
But
they were very worried if
They`d ever get to pass
The Social Services` Exams
As they were Upper Class
So Cazz and Ollie hatched a plan
Of cunning guile and stealth
To fool the Social Services
And lie about their wealth
`When
Social Services come round
They`re sure to see we`re cursed
With riches, so don`t use Earl Grey
And put the milk in first.
We`ll go and buy a Guardian
And hide the Telegraph
We`ll make sure daytime TV`s on
And put coal in the bath.
And
don`t say "ki" instead of "cow"
And use an est`ry twang
Remember don`t use perfect vowels
With cockney rhyming slang.`
And
so it came to pass that they
Concealed that they were posh
The social worker never clicked
They had a lot of dosh
And so the happy day came round
Their child was to arrive
He came, unshaved with two days` growth
And he was six foot five
And they embraced with kindness and
With tears of loving joy
The leather cladded studded breast
Of this their longed-for boy
But
without warning suddenly
The sound of Ollie`s phone -
He tried to answer but too late
They heard the ringing tone
The poor bewildered boy cried `Wha`!
Live with a bleedin` toff?
Oi`m traumatized, you`ll `ave to pay,
Eff you, Oi`m effin` off`
The
social worker cried `For shame!
Now this poor boy is scarred
By being exposed to hunting folk
His life`s forever marred`
So
let us learn with Cazz and Oll
You really can`t conceal
If you`re well-spoken posh and rich
You`ve got to keep it real
And
now they stick to helping Ed
And that suits all of them
And Ollie`s changed his ringing tone
He`s
now got Eminem
More
parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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