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Scene I
With her 4x4 in for MOT, Ruth Archer - clad in fringed buckskins - is riding shotgun on the No.74, the 5.55 from Borchester.

Oh! The Ambridge Bus is a-rollin' on over the plains,
With the wipers flappin' and the driver a-slappin' his veins.
Cloudy old sky! A rainy old day!
Looks black and grey! Looks black and grey! Looks black and grey!

Oh! The Ambridge Bus is a-headin' past Hassett Hills,
Where the injured badgers are greater than hedgehog kills.
Dangerous road, speed cameras, delay!
And, Road Up today! Road Up today! Road Up today!

We're headin' straight for town, loaded down, hitting every hazard
Listening to Jazzer making noise - boys!

Oh! The Ambridge Bus is a-comin' on over the crest,
Like a broody hen that you can't get off of its nest.
Twenty-three cows I been milking today.
So, Cups suck away! Cups suck away! Cups suck away!

The wheels go turnin' round, homeward bound,
Can you hear a humming?
Fares are being collected, time to pay - hey!

We'll be home tonight by the light of a harvest moon
And to his heart's delight, Joe Grundy will give us a tune.
When I get home, I'm fixing to say.
David, Tidy-away! Tidy-away! Tidy-away!
Tidy-away! Tidy-away! Tidy-awaaaaay!

Scene II
The bar of The Bull

Introducin' Kirsty Miller,
Just as busy as a pack of polyfilla.
She's a woman and she's smarter,
In a U.S. belt and garter,
And in lace-top stockings, sexy thong, looks fine.
And I'm glad to say she's a very good friend of mine.

Hi Joe say where d'you get them fancy clothes?
I know! Off that scarecrow in your field.
Hi Al. You're playing poker I suppose?
Losing now with every hand you're dealed.

Here's a man the Village watches.
On his cards there are some pencil marks and notches.
In a deal there's no-one faster
And you're flirting with disaster
When Matt Crawford's reputation you malign.
And I'll like to say he's a very good friend, of a friend of miiiine.

Reprise:

(slowly with feeling)
Oh my throats as dry as my cow called Thistle today,
In The Bull some folks are hetro, and some are gay.
Shires on the bar and raring to go,
Oh, one more for Joe, one more for Joe, one more for Joe.
Drinks like a fish, Drinks like a fish, Ain't that right Jooooe!?

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon



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