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O, young Lochinvar is come out of the west,
Through all Borsetshire his white t-shirt is best;
Though despite Enhanced Thinking his brainpower is none,
He's still Eddie Grundy's more interesting son.
So faithful in love, and so dauntless in war,
There never was Grundy like young Lochinvar.

He stayed not for beer, and he stayed not for weed;
He drove his old banger at illegal speed;
But ere he alighted at Low'r Loxley gate,
The bride had consented, the gallant came late:
For a laggard in love and a gamekeeping bore
Was to wed the fair Emma of brave Lochinvar.

So boldly he entered the Pargetter hall,
Among Grundys and Carters and kinsmen and all:
Then spoke up Neil Carter, the first to be heard
(For the poor craven bridegroom said never a word),
"O come ye in peace here, or come ye to fight?
At least tell me Dross isn't playing tonight."

"I long loved your daughter, my suit was denied -
Love swells like the Am, but it ebbs like its tide -
And now am I come, with this lost love of mine
To tread but one measure, drink one cup of wine.
There are maidens in Borset more lovely by far
That would gladly be bride to the young Lochinvar."

The bride brought the wine, though Susan, affrighted,
Complained in loud whispers he'd not been invited. Y
et Emma was blushing, and seeming to sigh
With a smile on her lips and a tear in her eye.
He took her soft hand, ere her mother could bar -
"Now start the disco!" said young Lochinvar.

So cool were his moves, and so limping her gait,
It seemed that the dance would continue till late,
While poor Clarrie fretted and Eddie ate cake,
And the bridegroom was gormless and slow on th'uptake,
And the bride-maidens whispered, "'Twere better by far
To have matched our fair Emma with young Lochinvar."

One touch to her hand, and one word in her ear,
When they reached the hall door and the Escort stood near,
So light to the car he and Emma did run,
It started third time, and the engine did gun.
"She is won! we are gone! you've done better by far
To choose me over Wiwyum," said young Lochinvar.

There was fighting 'mong Carters and Grundys that night,
While Lynda Snell said that it served them all right.
There was whinging from Susan, who wailed, "Woe is me!"
But the lost bride of Ambridge no more did they see.
So daring in love, and so dauntless in war,
Did ye e'er hear of Grundy like young Lochinvar?