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The Battle of Glebelands
11 Jan 2002
 Inspired by the disappearance of Eleanor the hawk, Tony Keen contributed
this parody to the Fantasy Archers topic of our :
(With apologies to Stanley Holloway and Les Barker)
I'll tell you a tale of old Ambridge,
A place that is famed through the land.
Of the squire who ruled o'er Lower Loxley,
On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk in 'is 'and.
Now Nigel, 'e lived in a mansion,
Wi' Lizzie and Lily and Fred,
And a gardener who never said nowt.
Which weren't no surprise, 'e were dead.
One day Nige says, "We need attractions,
"Which will wi' the public be 'its.
"Jess and 'er falcons should do it.
"Wild nature and a bird wi' great – talons."
'E were right – they were a sensation,
People came from miles around.
But some just to 'ave assignations,
Or in order to not buy a round.
A ventriloquist's act Nigel tried,
Pretending 'is falcon could talk.
So on Mondays 'e frightened the children,
On 'is 'orse, with 'is 'and up 'is 'awk.
But one day there came to fruition,
A fear that 'e secretly 'arboured.
As 'e looked at the end of an empty line
,
An' 'is wife said, "I think your bird's scarpered!"
Distressed an' distraught were young Nigel.
What an end to t'season of Yule!
'E 'unted through 'edgerows and farmyards.
In short, looked a right proper fool.
Joe Grundy said, "Ah, it'll cost you "
To find where your falcon 'as roamed.
"Three ha'pence a foot." To which Nige says,
"Shut up! You're in t'wrong blessed poem."
But falcon 'ad gone o'er Glebelands,
A place where you don't want to be.
And spotting a rabbit from up in the sky,
Thought, "I'll 'ave that for me tea."
All over Glebelands were grieving.
They even sent t'bunny an 'earse.
But Nigel did nowt – they were common,
And non-speaking parts, which was worse.
Jessica now leaves our story.
Farewell to our glamorous dish,
Accosted by three strange old women, Suspiciously smelling of fish.
But Ellie the 'awk is still with us.
She 'asn't finished by 'alf.
She carried off Ginger the chicken,
Which gave us a bit of a laugh.
But Ginger were favourite o' Tucker,
And Davros* were filled up wi' wrath,
And saying, "I'll get that posh – fellah!"
Sent Daleks out after the toff.
[*Terry Molloy (Mike Tucker) played the creator of the Daleks in Doctor Who]
The Daleks rampaged through t'village
Wi' sucker and pincer and gun.
They even killed off doctor's missus!
Mind you, they did that just for fun.
They caught up Nige down Lower Loxley.
But Nigel to stand 'ad decided,
So got 'is toy guns down from t'attic.
The fight were a little one-sided.
When smoke and t'Daleks had scattered,
Lizzie came out on the grass,
And found what was left of poor Nigel,
On 'is 'orse, with 'is 'awk, up 'is – .
Tony Keen's Fast Show parody - Scorchio!>>
More Stanley Holloway fun>>
Visit The Archers Message Board>>
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