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I'm an Archer - get me out of here!
by Sheila Soviet Song 2nd
 Reality TV comes to Ambridge, or perhaps that should be the other way around, in this contribution to the Fantasy Archers topic of .
[Confusing music, pictures of suggestive fruit, snakes slithering out of champagne flutes etc.]
Ant: It's day 30 in the Queensland rainforest and we're waiting for YOUR decision on who should be ejected from the forest!
[Camera shows various characters in a tropical clearing]
Dec: Will it be ... the annoying thin one!
[Zoom in on HELEN, wearing combat trousers, a skinny top, and a ferocious expression]
Helen: Look I TOLD you if you mashed that lizard up with the paw-paw it wouldn't taste nice, but would you listen?
Dec: Will it be .. the thick one who fancies himself!
[Zoom in on TOM, wearing what might have been designer jeans, once, and a stupid headband]
Tom: I know, I know, but there was this amazing thing that Tamsin cooked ...
Dec: Will it be ... the one with the two big advantages!
[Zoom in on JOLENE, wearing a T-shirt that shows off her big advantages]
Jolene: Come on you two, calm down, let's see what we can save.
Helen and Tom: OH SHUT UP YOU INTERFERING BARMAID.
Dec: Will it be ... the obscure member of the aristocracy!
[Zoom in on NIGEL, also wearing a stupid headband]
Nigel: I say, let's not get heated, I'm sure we can sort things out.
Helen: Not get heated! It's 90 degrees you idiot!!
Dec: Will it be … the pretty blonde one who doesn't say anything?
[Zoom in on Hayley, who smiles decoratively]
Dec: Will it be ... the middle aged woman who bosses everyone around?
[Zoom in on SHULA, wearing a sensible blouse, and trousers with an elasticated waist]
Shula: Look, we're all hot, goodness knows I'm hot, it doesn't help to argue, can't you think about other people for a change?
Dec: Will it be ... the solid, dependable one with the quiet sense of humour that the bookies have already got at two to one on to win!
[Zoom in on NEIL, wearing normal, manly sort of gear and a nice Australian hat]
Neil: OK, how about we put the lizard on the barbeque skewers, and then see what we can do with the paw paw and that nice chutney that Mrs Archer put into the last food parcel?
Dec: Or will it be ... the seemingly practical one who goes raving bonkers half way through?
[Zoom in on RUTH, who is wrapped in her hammock with just the top of her head showing]
Ant: But first: they've got a surprise in store!
[Sound of whirring helicopter, it hoves into view above the canopy, someone floats down in a parachute and lands on the campfire. Screams and shouts. The parachutist untangles himself and is revealed as ...]
Shula: Alistair! Darling! [sobs] Darling! Alistair! I knew you'd be here for me!
Alistair: Well, the doctor suggested that a few weeks in the rain forest might be the only way of drying out ...
Neil: This is really good! We can use that parachute to make some useful mosquito nets for poor Ruth, who's been suffering so much. And Alistair can probably help sooth her bites, can't you Alistair, after all you've got medical training.
Alistair: [smiles] I have indeed Neil, I have indeed. Now Ruth, just roll up your sleeves.
Ruth: Ooooo Nooooo. [Runs screaming off into the forest]
Dec: Next: the bushtucker trial!
Ant: We can tell you: it's REALLY NASTY!
Dec: Get your votes in for who should take it. The lines are open NOW.
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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