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William Grundsworth's Diary
by Lennie the Cat
One for the Molesworth fans...
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Spring is here
agane wot with Hassett Hills lambs skiping in the fields litle do
they kno there sad fate as untouched skool dinners for the OIKS at
Borchester Green Comp that ahem seat of learning once atended by myself
and Grundsworth 2 the litle tick less said the better as when last
seen if not crimminally damaging bus stop vilage bench ect up to his
eyeballs in
Ìý
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SUBSTANCES with frends practsing
there so-called music tho mum says is all a waste of time and he will
never get a Proper Job good thing she does not know about the SUBSTANCES
or about the Vet i think he mite be a peadofile hanging about there band
sniffing SUBSTANCES and looking at Fallon’s ahem chest from wot I here
- I simply canot understand him gurls being wot they are xcept for Emmur
with whom I once well never mind - even Grog hav more sense having worked
out at last that Hellin prefer watching her horible cheese dry to nites
in with him.
Where was I ah yes spring on
vilage green I overhere uterly wet and weedy discussion about pussy willows
in church and zoom away altho not before methinks the vicar’s mind less
on Litugry but on Lurve just at the minute as her hare is even coming
undone at mere thort of doctor home alone with 0 but takeway pizza, jar
of instant and hevy metal albums his mrs having left him for brite lights
of ahem Felpersham and dodgy embrace of Local Cad needing new shock absorbers
on Merc - I canot help wondering wot mite hapen if . . . I mene to say
wot if Dad were sudenly to present us with Grundsworth 3 - it do not bear
thinking about at there age and mum always sa she prefer a nice cup of
tea anywa.
Dad do not relise how sad he
is distracting me from my manly work with latest useles idea of entertanement
you would think he had not heard of any poplar TV programs viz Eastenders
Brokside ect watched by normal people I mene even Old Man Horible hav
worked out where to find p*rn ect on computer in Borchester libry - anway
pop’s feret racing actually is not bad fun - curses wot am I saying -
I had a fert once I was quite fond of it until Old Man Horible did for
it in Medow Rise and a cow embarsingly named after now-forgotten Pop Star
but which somehow has not died a deth unlike other neglected and forgoten
creeturs in Ambridge viz Daniel’s Hamster curses chiz
Also while dreming on vilage
green I here mi grate hero and patron Matt Crawford hav got up everone’s
noses with latest Housing Develpment and all are up in arms - gosh mi
dere dorric colmns how vulgar would never do here and wot will their jumble
be like (thinks: my goodness tho they might akshually have something more
useful than a stufed badger to get rid of) and the vuew from our windows
totaly spoilt (you would think was something like Constable’s Haywane
ect not rusting old tractor and some slurry) methinks truth is Local Toffs
unable to cope with idea that newcmers mite be more sucesful and ahem
richer and beter at there jobs than them and even perish the thort drive
super cars or at any rate beter than Tony’s cranky old grid Brine’s wonky
Merc or wotever menewhile eyes of proles gleme at thort of offloading
there scarse pluming skills, flat bere, bootleg videos or wotever at speshul
rates on unsuspecting townies . . .
More parodies - from Agatha Christie
to Damon Runyon
.
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