Jiggles Does It Again
by Anglo Norman
There's been a sudden of Biggles parodies on the Fantasy Archers topic of Here's just one - with considerable apologies to Captain W E Johns:
The sky was brightening rapidly as the last of the dawn patrol aircraft came into land, bouncing gently on the turf landing strip, before rolling to a stand still, the engines of the three Sopwith Herefords ticking over idly, and the propellers slowing and stopping. The pilots clambered stiffly from the cramped cockpits and leapt to the ground. A dashing figure strode over to them.
"What ho, Jiggles!" called Lieutenant David 'Archie' Archer to the leading pilot.
The object of his address was none other that Captain Jill 'Jiggles' Teasworth, the Royal Flying Corps' only woman fighter pilot and their leading ace. She looked up from trying to free her hand-knitted pilot's scarf from where it had caught in her biplane's struts, and waved a harassed greeting.
"What ho, Archie!" she exclaimed. She struggled a bit more, there was a sad little tearing sound and Jiggles fell flat on her face.
"How was it up there?" asked Archie of the recumbent ace whilst lighting his pipe casually.
"Touch hot" returned Jiggles, somewhat muffled. "Von Aldridge's circus was buzzing about. Oberleutnant Deborwitz nearly got me, but then the blighter had to rescue Adolf Mausie who had got stuck in a tree." Von Aldridge's staffel were old enemies of Jiggles and her comrades, and the sight of their brightly coloured aircraft were a familiar sight over the trenches.
"What ho!" came the voice of Sam 'Ginger' Cowman. Jiggles and Archie chorused "What ho!" back at him, and then Jiggles added, "Could someone help me up, please?" Bruce Wayne, Jiggles' batman, was dispatched to fetch a crane to recover the heroine, whilst Ginger explained the reason for his What hoing. The unit's commander, Squadron Leader 'Phil' Philips, wanted to see Jiggles and her companions right away, immediately, this minute, pronto. Jiggles, Archie and Ginger went for a drink in the bar and ambled in to Philips' office half an hour later. As they passed his secretary, Ruth, Archie - as was his custom - winked at her and asked if she would marry him. Nobody knew why he did this, since they had been married for years and had three children. With such merry japes did they pass their time in the RFC.
"Ah, Jiggles! There you are!" declared Philips.
"No, sir. That's the hat stand" Ruth gently reminded him. Having put on his glasses and - after three goes - correctly identified Jiggles, Philips bellowed, "What ho!"
The three pilots What hoed back at him.
"Just had a report" said the Squadron Leader, addressing the hat stand again. "Looks like something big is about to blow up. I want you to go and take a dekko."
"Jolly good" said Jiggles, and leapt though the office window straight into the cockpit of her Hereford, which was conveniently parked outside. She tore off the parking ticket that a military traffic warden had just issued, and roared airborne, Archie and Ginger close behind in their own fighters.
***
They had been in the air for an hour when Jiggles realised they were heading in the wrong direction, so turned in a manoeuvre that would have thrilled anyone who happened to be watching (though no-one was) and headed back towards the German lines. Then a sinister sound reached their ears: the harsh rattle of Spandex machine-guns! It was Von Aldridge!...
Jiggles turned away sharply as Von Aldridge came at her, his black-crossed machine speeding through the sky. With him were Deborwitz and Mausie, the latter in his startling red Fokker Triplane that had earned him the nickname 'The Strawberry Baron'. The planes dived and span, the sunlight flashing on their wings. Suddenly Jiggles' Hereford shuddered as it was struck by bullets, and she yelled in alarm as liquid began streaming from the tanks:
"THE TEA!" she screamed. During his last pass Von Aldridge had managed to hole her thermos. There was nothing for it - Jiggles would have to land now, behind enemy lines as she was - or worse, be thirsty. She signalled wildly at Archie to indicate she was going down, then headed earthwards. Outnumbered as they were, Archie and Ginger had no choice but to head back and report to Squadron Leader Philips.
Reaching the ground, Jiggles executed a perfect nose-dive into the earth and flipped over. It was the work of a moment to free herself from the cockpit straps before she dropped neatly onto her head. She hurriedly collected what remained of the tea, and then used her Very Pistol to destroy the plane, lest the Germans should learn the secret of vacuum flasks. She turned to find herself watched by an impassive French peasant in a dirty smock.
"Je suis Eddie Grundy" said the Frenchman in his native language. "Tu est un British pilot, nez parr?"
"Wee" replied Jiggles in perfect French.
"Allez with moi" the peasant instructed. Jiggles followed, and was taken to a pleasant homestead called 'Le Cottage de Keeper' where she was welcomed warmly by the peasant's family. Just as she was settling in, however, the door burst open and in marched… Von Aldridge!
"Vot ho, Yiggles" he said, in authentic cinematic Prussian as his men marched in behind him. "Zo, vee meet again!"
"Indeed" returned Jiggles calmly, curling her lip at his Teutonic clichés.
"Unt now I haf you" continued the German ace, "zere vill be no hope for zee Britischer sweinhunds! Gentlemen… zee vor is ours! Ahahahahah! Ahahahah! Ahahahahahahaah…..!"
"But how did you know I was here?" asked Jiggles suspiciously.
"It vas simple" enlightened Von Aldridge. "First, zee wreckage off your plane is yust outside."
"Ah!"
"Second, alzo zey seem like a velcoming French peasant family, zer son Villiam verks for me!" Jiggles' face set.
"Mmmmmm mmmm?" she said.
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said, Villiam Verks?" explained Jiggles, unsetting her face again.
"Nein, Villiam Grundy" Von Aldridge corrected, somewhat facetiously in Deborwitz's opinion. "Unt now" he continued, "I vill take you avay unt haff you shot." But Jiggles was not beaten yet. Seizing the remains of the tea she hurled it in Von Aldridge's face. The German gave a scream -
"Gerblunden! How many sugars did you put in zat?!"
But by then Jiggles was racing for freedom. With a muttered oath ("Zee truth, zee whole truth unt nothing but zee truth") the horrible Huns gave chase. Jiggles used her head start to make it to the tree line. She raced up the nearest and, seizing a squirrel, used a bandage from her first aid kit to strap it to her head. Mausie appeared. Jiggles stayed very still. He stared right at her, so she said, "Neep, neep, neep."
The German pilot moved on. Thank goodness! Jiggles' cunning woodland disguise had worked. Now all she had to do was make it through hostile territory with half the German armed forces searching for her, make it across the German lines, get to the British trenches via no-man's-land, and find a decent cup of tea…
