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Borsetshire!
by Mr Snowy
 The Fantasy Archers topic on is attracting just as high a standard of contribution as the old board. Here's a bumper offering:
BORSETSHIRE!!
Produced and directed by Lynda Snell
Written by Lynda Snell (with acknowledgements to Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein III)
(Lyndie-note in margin: I must stop them saying Borsetsher in vague rustic accents. It's Borset-shyer, as Hollywood would say it)
OPENING CHORUS
Borrrrrrr - setshire!
Where the wind comes sweepin' down the Am
Where the farmers moan in Mono-Tone
Where the parrot smiles for the web-cam
Borrrrrrr - setshire!
Ev'ry night that awful Sam and Ruth
Mutter through their teeth 'bout the price of beef
And the milk yield figures, it's the truth.
We say "Oi get orf of moi land
Or you'll feel the back of my hand"
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
We're only sayin'
You're doin' fine,
Borsetshire!
Borsetshire Today
(Lyndie-note in margin: I must speak to Borsetshire Today magazine to see whether they will sponsor us for such a shameless plug)
ENTER BRIAN SINGING IN LIGHT BARITONE
There's a fine GM maize in the meadow
There's a fine GM maize in the meadow
It's nearly as high as an elephant's eye,
Good grief, it is climbing right up to the sky.
Oh, what a terrible morning
Oh, what a terrible day.
I got this sickening feeling
Young Kate is coming to stay
MATT CRAWFORD TAKES UP THE SONG
All the NIMBYs hate Brian's poly tunnels
All the NIMBYs hate Brian's poly tunnels
We're more underhand here at Borchester Land
Five hundred new houses are what we have planned
I've been the planners suborning
I've got them all in my pay
And after my double-dealing
Ev'ryone's voting my way.
CUT TO ALISTAIR (logging on again to the Internet poker):
I'm just a guy who can't say "No"
I can't stop laying a bet
Listen now to my tale of woe
Deeper and deeper in debt
CHORUS OF TUCKERS, FRYS AND HORROBINS
The Carters and the Grundys should be friends,
Oh, the Carters and the Grundys should be friends.
One man likes to work with pigs, the other seldom gives two figs
But that's no reason why they can't be friends.
Working-class folk should stick together
Working-class folk should all be mates
Grundys dance with the Carter daughter
We'll leave that one to the Fates
MEANWHILE AT AMBRIDGE ORGANICS, HELEN AND KIRSTY ARE SINGING
(Hint: think "Surrey with the Fringe on Top")
You will think that you've dropped a clanger
If you eat a Tom Archer banger
If you eat a Tom Archer banger made from GM crop
You were told that it was organic
Now you find that you're in a panic
Soon you'll find that you're going manic and your eyes will pop
It's not manna, it's a banger made from Brian's GM crop
DIRECTOR'S NOTE
Songs still to write:
Everything's up to date in Loxley Barrett
Poor Greg is Dead
FINALLY IN THE CARAVAN ED WARNS EMMA AGAINST REVEALING THEIR SECRET PLAN TO ESCAPE FROM AMBRIDGE
Don't mutter "Sacre Bleu"
Don't throw baguettes to me
Don't sing "No Regrets" to me
People will say we're in France
Sweetheart, slow down un peu
You quote Le Monde too much
You double entendre too much
People will know we're in France!
Don't act the francophile
We'll lead them a merry dance
Keep them in the dark a while
Don't let them know we're in France
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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