Borsetshire Saints
by SausageEater
This potted hagiography was SausageEater's first contribution to the Fantasy Archers topic of
St Adam the Pure, 1388AD-1428AD
Born illegitimately, his paternity is uncertain, though some accounts mention a red-haired cowherd. We do know, however, that his mother was a stupid woman of questionable virtue. As soon as he reached his maturity, St Adam left his native county of Borsetshire and ventured forth into the parched desert plains of Africa to follow his vocation. For many years he wandered the African continent and, although we know little about this phase of his life, he remained in contact with his mother, never failing to dispatch an annual message to her at Christmastide.
Mysteriously and inexplicably, after a period of 20-odd years, St Adam returned to the place of his birth, there to discover that his mother had remarried a wealthy but lecherous farmer. He tended a small strawberry patch, earning himself and his stepfather a meagre pittance from this enterprise.
Despite the attentions of the local harlotry, St Adam remained devoted to his friend, St Dorothy, occasionally lapsing to visit the local taverns frequented by men in brightly-coloured hose - often accompanied by his aunt, a notorious painted harlot of advanced vintage. However, he invariably returned repentant to the simple monastic existence of his strawberry patch. Predictably, the enterprise later failed.
Little is known of either his views or opinions. It is thought that he may well have not held any. Many have questioned the actual point of his existence. However, the incomparable purity of this holy and virtuous Saint is without question. Too refined for this earthly plane, it was said that he became so rarefied that eventually his body simply transmogrified into pure ether, though some accounts testify that, not knowing what else to do, he merged into a cloud and was carried off to Heaven, there to take his place amongst the Blessed pantheon for Eternity.
St Hayley the Martyr, 900AD-929AD
The exemplary life of St Hayley is well-known to many. This devout and virtuous Saint is famed for the intense suffering she underwent at the machinations of the heathen hordes, into whose evil hands she tragically fell. Born in a poverty-stricken wattle and daub estate in Anglo-Saxon Birmingham, her vocation brought her to a small rudimentary settlement in darkest Borsetshire, where she attended to the whims of the pampered children of local lords and nobles.
Having been betrothed to the son of a prosperous farmer, John the Barsteward, she was cruelly betrayed when he committed an adulterous act with a local peasant girl of dubious morals. It is said that he was killed by Divine intervention, crushed to a pulp when his wagon overturned into a shallow ditch. Nevertheless, after his death St Hayley continued to tend his small pig farm, but fell foul of his wicked sister, Helen the Vile, who promptly cast St Hayley out into the wilds of the Millenarian Wood. (It is said that God punished Helen by causing her to live in sin with the most miserable man in Borsetshire).
Later, St Hayley became betrothed to a serf named Roy, son of Michael, a one-eyed misanthropic milk-peddler. Soon after this, however, they were forced to move to the family seat, a pokey, tumbledown hovel, where St Hayley was subjected to the most appalling invasion of privacy at the hands of Roy's kinsmen. It is here that St Hayley famously underwent her martyrdom; having been found guilty of expressing an opinion, her tongue was cut out, from which time forward she was never heard to speak again.
St Shula of the Stables, 1059AD-1140AD
Perhaps the most well-known of all the Borsetshire Saints, St Shula is also by far the most inspiring. Born into a yeoman farming family of low intellect, her early life was spent in abject licentiousness. It is thought that there was not one man dwelling in the whole of Borsetshire who had not lain with her, though this may be an exaggeration.
According to the popular rhyme:
O, St Shula did lie with many a man
Yea, many a man dropp'd their hoses
Yet because she belong'd to the old Archer clan
She came out of it smelling of roses.
She was betrothed and wedded to Mark, a man practiced in Law, who later died when his chariot mysteriously crashed. Some have said that the incomparable Holiness of his Sainted wife was too much for him to bear, and that the crash was intentional. One thing is certain; it was around this time that St Shula embarked fully upon the Saintly path. Miracles occurred, which included the appearance of the Blessed One bathed in a radiant Holy light, witnessed by multitudes. At times the intensity of this radiance was simply too unbearable, causing the commonfolk to spontaneously vomit, cover their eyes and flee in disgust.
The many tribulations which St Shula suffered are well-documented. Now a widow, she found herself with child (some say, by the Devil himself), and underwent actual physical torment at the hands of the wicked Baron Pemberton, eventually finding happiness with a local animal physician. Sadly, the holy effulgence of the Saint being too much for him, a mere mortal, to live up to, he was oft seen squandering his wealth at nearby gambling houses. Miraculously, however St Shula, using her saintly powers, redeemed her husband from his sins in persuading him to perform penance by re-decorating their bedchamber. This pleased God and he was forgiven.
