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Tom Alban is becoming a little concerned that his 18-month old twins are learning two more languages than he is in Toddler Talk

Mike Barfield on the thorny subject of choosing a name for your child in Give A Sprog A Bad Name
"When it comes to naming another human being it's left to rank amateurs - parents." And in My Music it doesn't get any easier for Mike when the babies grow up, "My daughter has great taste in music - mine. My record collection has been kidnapped into her room." In A Clean Act, Mike's trying not to swear in front of his young son - "Oh! butter! Oh! biscuit!"

Josie Barnard discovers that when it comes to organising shelves, as well as life, there's more than one way...Shelf Life. Turning a blind eye to the 'shoot outs' while the apple of her eye was in nappies, Josie found her son's 'inalienable right to bear arms' took on a different hue when nursery became part of the scene in Guns An' Boys

Laura Beaumont searches desperately for someone perfect enough to be her daughter's guardian in Guardian Angel.

Christine Bress searches for love amongst the cookery books in Full Freezer.

Simon Brett considers British manners in Stranger Etiquette, wonders how to avoid a social life in Child Excuse and tries, bizarrely, to predict the day he'll die ¾±²ÔÌýA Date With Death. In Humming Syndrome, Simon confesses his personal demon, "I have a problem with humming ..."

Bill Brittain recollects one of the more unusual chemistry experiments he participated in while at university making... Underpants Beer.

Ted Bruning recounts his opportunity to return to a student lifestyle in Â鶹ԼÅÄ Alone. In Town and Country Crime he compare attitudes to crime in town and country. With trembling knee and shaking hand, Ted allows his musical past to catch up with him Adolescence Revisited, "Going to see the band, Caravan, 25 years on, filled me with dread. How big a let-down was reality going to be?" In Illicit Pleasures, Ted ruminates on why, after eight years of abstinence, he's taken up smoking again, "The truth is that even when I'm not smoking, I'm a smoker..." And without the least enthusiasm, he takes up badminton in Exercise is Bad for Me - "My cardiovascular system is as bone idle as the rest of me - it doesn’t want a good workout...". In Moving Tales Ted ruminates on the trials and tribulations of putting his house on the market. At his brother's 60th birthday, Ted did something he now regrets - expressed some Brotherly Love.

Jo Bunting in Nose Piercing describes the deal she rashly struck with her teenage daughter - "Get your GCSE’s out of the way and I’ll agree to you having your nose pierced". Despite being reasonably articulate and confident, Jo has never got the hang of the social intercourse that is Small Talk.

Tom Bussman muses on the etiquette of the nudist beach in Summer Holiday and takes a wander through the seven deadly sins. Well, only four so far: Anger, Envy and Sloth and Lust.

Robert Calver believes that the death of pets, though painful, can provide important lessons for children about life, in Dead Pets

Bea Campbell ponders the nature of Belonging "I felt like Gulliver, a giant, too big or too old or too strange for our little house...home began to be a strange place..."

Iris Carryer transatlantic correspondent writes from her splendid retirement condominium in Florida about a truly depressing shopping trip in ÌýClothes & the Older Woman "I don't know what to wear! Everything's beginning to sag!" But things begin to look up as Iris gets a Therapy Fix.

Mavis Cheek on what it is like to enter the dating jungle - Me Jane - You Tarzan , Party Politics and the "joys" of parenthood in Feckless Mother, whilst taking on Shakespeare's blithe assumption about names in Name Horror.

Confined to bed, Mike Coleman observes the ebb and flow of family life in And So To Bed "I pictured the whole family gathered around my bedside to sing madrigals..."

Patrick Condron muses on his role as a Â鶹ԼÅÄ Alone House Husband

At the birth of their second child, Peter Curran worries about convincing his 3-year-old son that he is still the apple of his eye in Sibling Envy. As the two kids grow older, and noisier, he resorts to the car for a bit of peace and quiet in Stealing Time.

With a little help from the local garden centre, Pat Cumper's life takes a new route in My Garden Needs Me

Johnny Deadman discovers that parents aren't infallible in Losing Faith In My Parents.

Domestic bliss is the idee fixe for Anne Enright as she waxes lyrical about Hovering Heaven, Laundry Bliss, Machine Mayhem, Wallpaper, Steaming ByÌýbefore she goesPrivately Mad. Anne also finds inspiration in the Faces in a Crowd and revisits childhood uncertainties in Semi-detachedÌý²¹²Ô»åÌýPecking Order. The shrewd Enright eye is turned towards teenage angst ¾±²ÔÌýExam Weather,Ìý the pitfalls of eating ¾±²ÔÌýUnsexy Food, and Father Christmas' dress sense gets the once over in Santa Wore Yellow. She also questions whether men really are that good at Directions.

A new phase opens in Anne's life in Baby Talk
"If you want your child to be a genius you talk iida icle baba like dis. Yes You Do!"Ìý In Gazumped!, gazumpee Anne is still seething mad with Mr X who's living in the house she wanted! In Moving Day Rubbish Anne tries to throw out some of her accumulated past, but well, it's just not that easy to let go...

Gillian Ferguson lets the fridge decide her fate in Fridge of Fear and 'feels the fear and does it anyway' when she talks about her Flea Days.

Geoff Godber Ford, now ninety years old, remembers his two older half-brothers who died in the Flanders mud of the First World War in Remembrance Day, "Going to the front soon, tell mother not to worry about me. Goodbye dear - your ever-loving brother Jack."

"Crayfish are aggressive beasts with voracious appetites - not unlike my two small sons ...", says Nick Fisher ¾±²ÔÌýCrustacean Crisis.

Sue Gaisford struggles with things that nearly work in Techno Wilt. When her daughter passes her driving test Sue finds herself less than thrilled in Driving Dilemma. Sue's decided she won't be cowed by her daughter's derision at her dancefloor moves, and continues Dancing On.

Bryan Gallagher explains why for him the sacrament of confirmation will forever be associated with the town of Ballyhooley, County Cork in The Map of Ireland. He recalls a magical day spent in a place so special he's never dared go back, in A Day To Remember. Going to a friend's funeral, Bryan finds himself unexpectedly pressed into service as a pall bearer, in Bearing Up. Photographs are a potent reminder of the past, but in The Reunion Bryan can't even remember who took the photograph that's made him confront his own mortality. Bryan's childhood experience of Learning to Swim has left a deep impression on him. Bryan explains why, during his adolescence, he was forced to go boot-to-boot with the ballroom hobnail boot mafia.

After a 14 year absence Michael Goldfarb returns to his native town of Boston in Â鶹ԼÅÄ is where... where he tries to re-build his relationship with his brother ¾±²ÔÌý Why Don't You Call?. Phones are back again as Michael finds working from home just a little confusing ¾±²ÔÌýÂ鶹ԼÅÄ Phone Confessions, and ponders the meaning of a Christmas tree in a Jewish and Christian household in To Tree Or Not To Tree? "We're moving - the cull of our accumulated stuff over eleven years is already underway" Michael and his wife (well, Michael anyway) agonise over what to keep and what to throw out in Throwers & Hoarders

It's taken Clare Gorham 30 odd years to realise that the most integral part of the black female identity is Hair Care which might be why, until recently, she's had Coconut Hair.

In All Change Please Ray Gosling recalls the Catholicism of his youth, and gets himself barred from his Dad's kitchen in Washing-Up Snooper.

Martin Gurdon goes all broody in Our Feathered Friends.

72 year-old Hazel is, according to her son, Growing Old Disgracefully.

Maggie Hall's got mnemonics on the mind in Unforgettable?

Michele Hanson dreams of enjoying a Weekend Lie-in on Saturday, watching Sex on TV on Sunday. However, she has to endure Telephone Trials and a Bad Hair Life. Life's not great outside, either as My Garden's a Jungle... and indoors Lodgers threaten the kitchen decor. So she's Shouting Out. Buying a new car is a trauma in theThe Love Bug, and Michele shamelessly uses her ninety-three-year-old mother as an excuse to dodge the New Year celebrations ¾±²ÔÌýMillennium Allergy.

Even when life is going well, Michele and her mother are dab hands at undermining their own peace of mind in Worst Case Scenario, and equally excellent at delaying tactics in Procrastination. In Champion Fibber Michele tells the true story of her Aunt, Moonface ... "Auntie could've fibbed for Britain - her fibs were better than the truth. People believed her every time."

It's Mother's Last Christmas (again) and Michele's ninety-four-year-old mother keeps daughter and granddaughter on their toes with a spot of emotional blackmail, "This is my Last Christmas," she roared, "and Your Daugher's spoilt it!" From Christmas to beach holidays, and the level of angst remains high for Michele in Grotesque Bodies. Giving her own body a break, Michele turns a sceptical eye on men's fashions in Dull Men - "Now here we are in 2001 and a man may still not wear a frock..." Still whirling with anger, Michele exercises her right to rage in public in Mind Your Own Business. Following a stroke, Michele's mother has lost much of her ability to speak - in Mum's The Word she reflects on how communication can thrive when speech dries up. Michelle's 24 year old daughter is Flat Hunting and wants mum's advice - and help on finding the right one.

While on a skiing holiday, Nicola Harrison has cause to say Told You So! to her family, wonders whether giving up nicotine was really worth the effort in Without The Weed
and looks at the societies little annoyances in Blissful Irritation. As an avowed under-achiever, Nicola assesses the ups and downs of the school sports day in School Sports Day, proves herself an over-achiever in Embarrassing Parents, and a woman of dodgy clothes sense in Nerdy Dresser. In Leaving The Kids Behind, Nicola-the-intrepid is reduced to a gibbering wreck at the thought of being parted from her children...for ten days. Not content with worrying about her own brood, in Lord of all Hopefulness, Nicola consents to becoming a Godmother - for the fourth time. Not content with godchildren, Nicola adonipts Tyke the Terrible Terrier
who finds his voice and is transformed from bad boy, to model dog. Time spent with one's children is an important commodity, but Nicola laments the passing of this Mother Time. Nicola finds she become subject to work and family Overload recently.

Tim Healey, is quickly becoming what he never thought he would, an Embarrassing Dad and continues to cause his children to blush in I Think I'm Losing It "The first time I put the Marmite in the fridge it was like an electric shock ..." The children are still giving him grief in Me and My Ponytail - a heroic and solitary figure, he defends his right to wear his ponytail in peace.

Read Phil Hogan and his family of six on feeding time, Choosy Children - Cooking Chaos, watching the Beautiful Game in World Cup Worries, Pet Traumas, adjusting to music in Music In The Familyand being a dutiful parent in Participating Parents. Phil also attempts to instil a sense of responsibility in his children in It's Your Turn and fails to avoid overindulgence during the Festive season - Well, it is Christmas.... When it comes to being assertive, Phil can give you a few tips in Guy Who Can't Say No - except when he's at the hairdressers, in Short Back and Sides, Sir?. The full horror of party games and board games are revealed in Bored Games ..."You're just thinking how things couldn't possibly get more tedious when someone suggests a nice game of Monopoly..." moans Phil, and there's some bare-faced nostalgia in Fresh Air versus Computers, as the traditonal family day out bites the dust.

Judith Holder discovers that evening classes are not so much about self-improvement as "hotbeds of flirtations!" in Evening Class Flings.

Breaking grim news is no easy task. In the case of Richard Hoyes' father it was easier to tell virtual strangers than to tell his wife, as Richard tells us in Breaking the News

Nigel Jenkins talks about his feelings on catching up with the age at which his father died in Older Than My Dad, "Dad died just after his forty-eighth birthday - now turning forty-eight myself, I'm overtaking my old man."

It's Martin Kelner's turn to be confused when his son doesn't make it into the junior football team in Fantasy Football.

Ray Kershaw bemoans insincerity in "Have A Nice Day" and goes misty-eyed over childhood food in Mind-Watering Food.

Sue Limb recalls some Vexing Visitors and the symbolic power of her late father's running shoes in Shrines. ÌýIn Insured Against Life, Sue realises that insurance isn't the cure-all it's made out to be.

Ash Logan explains how to jettison friends and aquaintances after they've outlived their usefulness in How To Dump A Friend and wants his father to go back to his own home in Dad the Dosser. In How Not To Propose, Ash finds popping the question is can be as hard on the knees as it is on the ego...

In Quiet! Tim Lott puts his case for that increasingly rare commodity ... silence.

Adrian Mathew's dream of a quiet flat in Paris is interrupted by his noisy neighbours in Two's Company.

In Phoney War, Helen Matthew's is in two minds about letting her 10 year old daughter, Bronwen, have a mobile phone for Christmas.

Writer Diane Messias steps into dangerous waters as she ponders the etiquette of dividing the spoils after a divorce in Divorce and Things.

Henye Meyer rebels against her parents and returns to her Jewish roots in Return To My Religion, going on to rebel as a parent herself in, Babies Bore Me, "Most people have an instinctive affection for a new baby - I'm willing to admit publicly that I don’t."

After 10 years in London, writer, Jaishree Misra, her husband and young daughter decide to return to India in Going Back to Mum's. Settling back into the old country has had its problems. In Haute Denture Jaishree recalls her grandmother taking false teeth into the realms of high fashion.

Ronald Monroe realises his daughter is truly grown up in Letting Go.

Adrian Mourby is baffled about who to side with when friends get divorced in Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

In A Â鶹ԼÅÄ Truth, Neil Nixon, a big fan of Carlisle United football club, wants his son to be a big fan too. No chance.

Tim Parks discusses strategies for Turning Off the Telly, inheritance of character in Just Like Dad?and how children deal with the death of a grandparent in Grandad's Departure.Ìý As his children change, Tim observes them ¾±²ÔÌýHow To Grow Up and wonders how to deal with his daughter's Steffie's demand to be baptized ¾±²ÔÌýSpiritual Identity. In Video WarsÌý the Parks family eventually find a video they all want to watch whilst in Beating Dad!ÌýTim's 14-year-old son, Michele, just doesn't know when to let his father win! Constantly shifting alliances within the family, keeps Tim on his toes in Family Alliances. Getting the kids to school on time is his main aim in Family Breakfast, as he juggles not very successfully with plaits, satchels, cereals and assorted Italian cats.

Harry Pearson seeks some Male Bondingto help him cope with childbirth,

Anthony Peregrine, struggles to communicate with a foreign student in Exchange Visit, pleads with his children not to buy him a Father's Day present ¾±²ÔÌý What Daddy Doesn't WantÌý,and hits a spot of marital tension over all things green in Gardening Gripe.

Eileen Pound pays tribute her grandmother who taught her the importance of friendship ¾±²ÔÌýMy Grandma, My Friend.

Why do we never tell our loved ones how much they mean to us whilst they're still alive to hear it? Deborah Prosser does in Living Obituary

Louise Rennison ponders the Gene Trap "Are none of my features really mine? They say I have my Dad's nose and my Mum's smile..." And in That Night Before Feeling, Louise has a confession to make...and another in Pal Paranoia, and straight talks on the subject of walks in Don't Walk.

Kim Revill has just entered her second childhood - orthodontically speaking at least...ÌýTin Grin.

"My silver thimble meant much to me & so little to the thieves who took it..." says Angela Robinson who mourns the loss of a treasured possession in Stolen Memories.

In The Toy Torrent Tom Robinson considers the Christmas orgy of gift-giving and the effect it has on his son and bares his all in Happiness Is A Swimming Pool. When a family friend commits suicide, Tom tries to come to terms with his feelings in Forgiving The Unforgiveable. In Flea Invasion, Tom and his family have unwelcome company, "Ricky, from Wandsworth Pest Control, pulled on his surgical gloves and primed his action spraygun..."

Kim Revill comes to terms with growing up in a mixed race family in Identity Crisis and wants her dollies back from her 3-year-old niece in Doll Power.

Leslie Riddoch finds a novel solution to getting to know the locals in Country Living.

Nicholas Royle has got a great new gift - He has Crying On Tap