麻豆约拍

Across two days in February 2017, an interdisciplinary panel of speakers met to discuss Ambridge past, present and future.

From coercive control to cake, from Flower and Produce Show skullduggery to flood protection to… the penis size of Ambridge residents, no stone of Ambridge life was left unturned.

From two days of rigorous analysis, there is only so much that can be covered here, but these are five crucial questions that were answered.

Before reading this, please draw the curtains, close your eyes, and choose the Ambridge man who you imagine to be most attractive. Then choose the most intimidating man. Finally, imagine the penis size of each: STRICTLY FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES.

This is what attendees of The Academic Archers conference were asked to do by Drs Cara Courage and Ali Goode in a survey whose results were used to explore issues of masculinity, specifically whether or not our perception of a man's character can influence our perception of his penis size.

The room erupted as it was revealed that the majority of respondees believe that is stowing away Ambridge’s largest "physical attribute" under his kilt (with second), that harbours the least impressive example of Flower & Produce (they don’t call him "Titchyknob" for nothing) and – this caused a controversial gasp – that of the all-male test-group was imagined most attractive overall.

Ambridge has an ageing population who subsist on a diet in which cake is the dominant food group. This should put them in the high-risk zone for obesity and Type 2 diabetes. However, diabetes rates in Ambridge are far below the national average.

Health journalist Christine Michael’s exploration of this fascinating “public health anomaly” is based on "20 years of observational studies of the defined rural cohort in Ambridge."

She reports that exercise could well be a factor in explaining the “robust metabolic health of this cohort,” noting that Ambridge residents expend 800 more calories per week in food preparation than the general UK population, earning them two extra slices of cake in every seven-day period. She also cites the unnecessary exercise undertaken by those within the cohort as a potential factor – birthday cards that could be posted are delivered by hand, messages are relayed face-to-face that could be texted or emailed. And then there is diet: red wine, coffee and soup, all Ambridge staples, are considered to be factors that ward against Type 2 diabetes.

But by far the most thrilling part of Ms Michael’s groundbreaking study posits that the polyphenol compounds found in lemon zest and therefore in lemon drizzle cake – an Ambridge dietary staple – “could be a mitigating or preventative factor in the development of metabolic disease”. Could the small village of Ambridge have unwittingly discovered the deterrent to this public health time bomb that is plaguing the rest of the UK?

Given the persuasive evidence, Ms Michael recommends that the Department for Health consider overturning existing nutritional guidelines and replacing them with the Ambridge model. Anyone for cake?

Louise Gillies (King's College, London) and Helen M Burrows pitted the middle-class, well-respected against the much-derided, criminal fraternity of the Horrobins in their study of "family dysfunctionality” in Ambridge.

In the Horrobins they found much evidence of criminal behaviour – arson, etc. Less was to be found of the Aldridges in Borsetshire’s police records, with as the main proponent of illegality – cautioned for breaking into properties, and (more informally) responsible for car theft, vandalism and .

Gillies and Burrows theorised that it is only through marriage that (as the former wife of an alcoholic) and had managed to pull their children up the social ladder and away from what could potentially have been a similar life-course to the Horrobins. It is considered that “Aldridge crimes are crimes of privilege and entitlement… children getting up to hi-jinks” whereas Horrobin crimes are “more serious crimes but you could see them as linked to poverty… a lack of life chances.”

It is in the area of familial relationships that Gillies and Burrows found that the balance was significantly tipped. In the Horrobins they found family loyalty, strong marriages and a supportive family network. In the Aldridges, on the other hand, they cited ( and ), infidelity (, , , , , Debbie), inter-family conflict (Brian v Adam, Kate v Phoebe) and child abandonment.

So Jeremy Kyle… who do you fancy having on?

Forensic psychologist Professor Jennifer Brown (Co-Director, Mannheim Centre, London School of Economics) provided an in-depth and thoughtful analysis of Rob Titchener in her Keynote Speech: "Rob is not a monster: understanding the antecedents of the domestic violence perpetrator using The Archers coercive controlling behaviour storyline as a case study."

Having analysed and his psychological profile in great depth, she predicted what Rob might do next. As a serial offender lacking self-insight she felt it was unlikely that he would seek help and support to change his behaviour.

Instead, Brown posits the most likely outcome is that he is “likely to stay in Minnesota and look for a new victim” or “to store it up and come back to exact revenge on Helen or the family – either scenario is possible.”

Who is the most powerful person in Ambridge? Justin Elliott, MD of Damara Capital? Peggy Woolley or Jill Archer as matriarchs of its most influential dynasties? Brian Aldridge, Squire of 麻豆约拍 Farm?

Dr Nicola Headlam analysed the networks and kinship structures that exist within Ambridge to investigate status as it currently exists in Ambridge:

• The : spanning three generations and one household*;
• spanning four generations, 12 members, and two households.
• /Bellamys spanning four generations, 29 members, sustaining nine households.

*though Rickyard could arguably be considered a second...

So Jennifer’s status in Ambridge’s hierarchy is confirmed. CASE CLOSED.

Well, not exactly…

There are many different sources of power in Ambridge, asserts Headlam – kinship (Peggy, Jill, the Grundys, ), possession of employees or tenants (Justin, , and – who employ more people in the village than anyone else), formal governance (, ), informal governance (, ), information sharing (Jenny, Susan) and problem solving (). Knowledge is also power.

There is another crucial factor that influences the situations of Ambridge residents, and it is here that Headlam hypothesises that the root of Ambridge’s future power structures could lie - not merely with people, nor places, but with things. “Things… exert power and agency” – they move the plot along. Think how crucial , Otto the Bull or have been in influencing the fortunes of Ambridge residents.

Ambridge’s most powerful or influential person, then, is likely to be found “when you link people and things together and look for the most linked people and things”.

And when you do this, you find… at the top of the tree!

So all hail the new King of Ambridge. We hereby rename our programme "The Grundys" and will be found at bbc.co.uk/thegrundys from this day forward.

Thank you to all of the incredible speakers and the organisers of Academic Archers who created such an illuminating, entertaining and thought-provoking two days. Here's to next year!