‘It’s not always about you’: Five tips for negotiating better in everyday life
You might not realise it, but we are negotiating pretty much every day of our lives.
From getting the kids ready for school to deciding who’s cooking the dinner, to managing a team at work or asking for that pay rise, we use communication to try and reach agreement and a path forward.
But what is the most effective way to negotiate and make our lives easier?
Nicky Perfect is a former police hostage and crisis negotiator with the New Scotland Yard Crisis Negotiation Unit. She joined Â鶹ԼÅÄ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour for our special New Year’s Day programme all about women and negotiation and shared her advice for negotiating in our everyday lives.
Read on for her five tips.
1. ‘Remember that your view of the world is not necessarily the same as everyone else’s’
“Every morning you put on a pair of glasses, and in your glasses are a set of lenses. And in those lenses are your experience values and beliefs”, says Nicky.
If you do that with your own relationships... you'll see a huge transformation.Nicky Perfect, former police negotiator
“Everybody you meet during your day, they have their own set of lenses, and so they see the world very differently from you - it doesn't mean that they're opposed to you, it just means that they see the world differently from you. My first tip is to remember that.”
2. ‘Be present in the conversation’
"Most of the time, we communicate from an unconscious place”, says Nicky. “That means that we're not fully present with the other person when we're fully present with them.
“There’s research on children and parents around this. If you give your child 15 minutes a week where you do nothing but focus on the child - no email, no phones, no computers – then when you ask them to do something, they're more likely to respond and do that for you.
“If you do that with your own relationships with the people that are in your lives every day, you'll see a huge transformation in those relationships.”
3. ‘Remember it’s not always about you’
“Most of our conversations are about us and what we want and how we see the world”, says Nicky. “Just be conscious of that, and think about what the other person’s saying, and see the world perhaps from their perspective.
Think about what's the benefit to them?Nicky Perfect, former police negotiator
“Imagine there is a number six drawn on the floor. You're standing at one end, so you can see a six, the other person is standing at the other end, and they can see a nine. This is a bone of contention for you both because you're both arguing from your perspective.
“Sometimes if we just move around a little bit, then we can see the world from somebody else's point of view.”
4. ‘Don’t forget to listen’
“Listening is the most underrated skill, I believe, in the world”, says Nicky. “We're not taught how to listen - we're generally taught how to talk.
“When we know how to listen, and really listen to what's being said and what's not being said, that can change the conversation, that can change the dynamics. And it can change the relationships that we have with other people.”
5. ‘If you’re asking somebody for something, sell them the benefits to them’
“Unfortunately, I taught my 16-year-old this when she was six”, says Nicky. “She still uses this very, very well.
“It's about selling the benefits to them. So, if you're asking for a pay rise, what's the benefit to your employer? Is it that you have the pay rise? Or is it because you're going to be more committed? Is it because you've got a project that you think might change how your employer does things? What's the benefit to them?”
Enjoyed this article? Why not listen to our Woman’s Hour special programme all about negotiation – click here to listen on Â鶹ԼÅÄ Sounds.
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