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Sometimes in life, not everything goes your way. Maybe you didn’t get an interview for your dream job, a friend cancelled plans last minute, you’re refused a pay rise at work, or the person you matched with on a dating app just doesn’t want to pursue a relationship.

Experiencing rejection is a normal part of life. So, why do many of us feel a sense of shame when we hear the word ‘No’?

Kate Wills knows this feeling all too well. She’s written about her fear of rejection, how it held her back in life, and an experiment she undertook to try to cure it. She joined Nuala McGovern on Â鶹ԼÅÄ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour to share her story.

Plus, psychologist Fiona Murden has some tips on how to overcome a fear of rejection.

Keep reading for their advice…

Kate's story

“No one loves hearing ‘no’, but I found it particularly excruciating,” says Kate. “I never put myself out there for things. I would never apply for jobs; I've never asked for a pay rise or promotion. Even in my friendships and relationships I was really scared of putting myself out there and getting knocked back.

“I'd be in awe of these people who could just ask for what they wanted and if they got a no, it was no big deal, and they’d brush themselves off and ask again. I started to wonder if it was holding me back or affecting my life.

“I started to look online for tips on overcoming it and I got all of the usual things, like: ‘Don't take it personally’ or 'What's the worst that can happen?’ For me, it was just so difficult even getting a very polite ‘thanks, but no thanks’ email. I would immediately delete it and I'd wake up in the night thinking: ‘It’s so embarrassing that they didn't like that idea’. I was just filled with shame, basically, every time I got turned down.”

So, what steps can we take to overcome this fear of rejection?

1. Challenge yourself to experience more rejection

One of the ways journalist Kate Wills tried to overcome her own fear of rejection was by increasing her exposure to it. She was inspired by Jia Jiang’s 2016 TEDx talk where he tried to seek out rejection every day for 100 days.

“It can be almost like a game,” says Kate. “I set myself the challenge of getting rejected every day for one month. I did all kinds of things. I asked a stranger to borrow £100. I pushed to the front of a queue, which obviously went against every fibre of my being, being British. I went into a bookshop, and I asked if I could borrow a book. I took a Windows PC to an Apple store and asked if they could help me.

“At the beginning, it was awful. It was terrifying. I felt like I was about to do a skydive or something. I had a pounding chest and sweaty palms. I was like: ‘I'm not going to be able to do 30 days of it. How am I going to get out there?’

“But by the end of the month, it wasn’t a big deal. I was loving getting rejected. Now I find it much easier to deal with. It's not a big thing. You're building up your tolerance to it, like a muscle.”

“You could call it a mental muscle,” says psychologist Fiona Murden. “You’re strengthening alternate neural pathways in the brain to help you counterbalance the fear of rejection. You can only build confidence in your ability to overcome rejection if you put yourself out there and try it.

“Move beyond your comfort zone and into what we call the stretch zone. Take little steps to start with, rather than running headlong into things and give yourself time to ‘recover’ in between, returning to your comfort zone to take a mental break. Take it easy with any of these approaches and seek professional help if it becomes too much.”

2. Try to ignore what others think of you

“I think we often take rejection to heart and expand it to mean: ‘I must be worthless or not good enough or useless’,” says Kate. “When, in fact, there can be myriad reasons why it wasn't the right fit at that particular point in time. It's just one person's opinion and the next person might feel differently.

“I always used to ruminate on my rejections and what people who rejected me must think about me, but in fact they're probably not thinking about you at all!”

“It’s easier said than done, but also think about whether it’s someone whose opinion you actually care about,” says Fiona. “We often take onboard criticism (which is a form of rejection) from people whose opinion we don’t even care about. We have to make a conscious effort in order to counter it. So, try noticing if that’s what you’re doing and asking yourself how much you value the opinion of that person.”

3. Rethink the way you look at rejections

“If you get rejected, it's not a sign to run away and stop trying and give up and hide,” says Kate. “I love the Sylvia Plath quote: ‘I love my rejection slips - they show me I try’. It's just an indicator that you need to approach the situation differently or try a different person at a different time.”

“You could take a rejection as there being something wrong with you,” says Fiona. “For example, if you ask someone out on a date and they say no, you might think: ‘It’s because I’m not attractive enough’. Instead, think of the other reasons it could be that aren’t dependent on who you are as a person – for example, they may already have a partner, or they may have just had a messy breakup.

“Instead of dwelling on the flaws that you think may have contributed to the rejection, focus on your strengths and accomplishments. Remind yourself of your positive qualities and achievements. We automatically go to the negative – that’s the way our brain works - but listing strengths and reflecting on achievements can help bring us back to what’s good. We can take on board a growth mindset, seeing rejection as an opportunity to grow and learn.”

4. Speak openly about it with those around you

“We are all rejected, and most people feel horrendous as a result,” says Fiona. “Sometimes we need to talk a rejection through with someone else. This will help normalise it. Speaking also helps to take some of the emotional weight of any issue away and helps us to process it. If you can’t or don’t want to speak to people about it, try writing it down instead. That also helps us to process it.”

“I think a lot of the power and intensity of feeling around getting rejected is because it feels shameful,” says Kate. “I used to have to immediately delete my rejection emails and never ever approach that person again. I wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened because I was so embarrassed.

“Although in the moment it feels easier to forget it and not speak about it, if you can be open and accept your rejections for what they are (just one person's opinion), they lose a lot of their power. If we talk more openly about rejections, we often discover lots of people we know have experienced them and overcame them too.”

5. Try, try and try again

“Barely anyone gets exactly what they want on the first try or achieves things effortlessly (no matter what their social media might suggest!),” says Kate. “Persistence, tenacity and believing in yourself are all really important qualities to cultivate in yourself. And you only get those by putting yourself out there consistently. If you don't ask, you don't get. And if you don't try for things you want, you'll never know what's possible. There really is no harm in just posing the question.”

“Keep going, try to remember the strategies that have helped you in the past and re-use them, and track how it has helped you learn, grow and opened your world up to greater opportunity,” says Fiona. “This will help you to understand that it’s worth the mental effort of going through a bit of emotional discomfort.

“Instead of ruminating on the rejection, try to do something like setting new goals or trying new things. By taking action, you can regain a sense of control which can boost self-esteem and confidence.”

You can listen to the full interview with Kate and Fiona on Â鶹ԼÅÄ Sounds - it’s the episode from 3 May.

Join the conversation on and @bbcwomanshour.