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The party was in full swing when Lindsey arrived, bodies mingled and merged; dancing, talking, hsugging, laughing. Lindsey searched the crowd trying to find a familiar face. Pushing herself through the throng a pathway materialised in front of her only to evaporate once she had passed by. Somewhere amongst this mass she would find Seth, butterflies skipped in her stomach at the thought of seeing him. Would he be pleased that she had made the effort to attend this party or would he be annoyed at her last minute arrival? It was this question more than the thought of seeing him which were giving Lindsey butterflies. She had an underlying dread of upsetting Seth and avoided it at all cost. They had had a petty row which had escalated until Lyndsey had said she was not going to the 鈥 stupid party. ' After Seth had left she felt the old feeling of guilt creep over her at the thought of letting him down and had changed her mind. She had dressed quickly hoping that she would not be too long behind him, but the taxi had been late, there were traffic jams as she entered town, everything had seemed to conspire against her. So it was that when she eventually arrived at the party it was already packed to capacity.
Taking her jacket off she threw it over the banister. S he felt drab and dated compared to everyone else. She looked around but could see no sign of Seth. After an hour she was frantic with worry and imagined that as she entered one room Seth had just that second walked into another. A drink was passed to her; swallowing it automatically she placed the empty glass on a nearby table. Lindsey walked into the garden; it was bathed in a fluorescent glow from twinkling lights which hung from the trees and hedges which bordered the garden. People mingled chatting and laughing and with the soft twinkling lights and the pale moonlight shining down on them they seemed to be ethereal beings caught briefly in a snapshot; but still Seth was not amongst them. Another drink, this time champagne, was passed to her and was consumed with equal swiftness. After an hour Lindsey felt uneasy wondering around on her own as people bustled and jostled against her. On entering the garden for the umpteenth time Lyndsey sat down on a lone garden seat. Maybe if I sit here long enough, Lindsey reasoned, I will see Seth emerging from one of his many bolt holes.
鈥 Hi there! Are you Okay? 鈥
Lindsey looked up. A large, thick set man was staring down at her. 鈥 Oh yes I'm fine, thanks. 鈥
He looked down dubiously at her, 鈥 You look a bit lost sitting there all on your own, would you like a drink? 鈥
Lindsey paused for a few seconds and said, 鈥 Why not! 鈥
He laughed, 鈥 Why not indeed! 鈥
He returned almost immediately with two glasses held in each hand. 鈥 Well I hope you like wine because this is the best I could do. 鈥
Lindsey smiling up at him said, 鈥 Oh I'm not fussy! 鈥
Seth was talking to Caroline a work colleague and friend who was bright and attractive. Several years ago they had had a brief affair and Seth smiled wryly to himself remembering how Caroline had acted hysterically at first when he had ended it. She had even threatened to tell Lindsey. Eventually recognised the affair for what it was , a brief interlude that had developed out of mere curiosity than anything of real substance. Seth felt no guilt at their brief liaison or at any of the others that he had orchestrated over the years . As far as he was concerned as long as Lyndsey never found out where was the harm?
Thomas, one of Seth's closest friends, came over, 鈥淚 thought you said Lindsey wasn't coming tonight, I've just seen her in the garden,鈥 he said interrupting tSeth and Caroline's conversation.
鈥淗ave you,鈥 Seth returned, 鈥淲ell that's news to me she must have changed her mind.鈥 Turning to Caroline Seth said, 鈥淲ait here a minute I'll go and find her.鈥
Seth walked across the jostling room towards the open patio doors that led to the garden. It was a wonderful July evening, warm after a hot, sweltering day. The soft smell of roses greeted him as he stepped out into the garden. Gentle music was playing competing with the more raucous music of the house; he stood still searching the crowd for his wife. Seth spotted her, she was talking to a man he had never seen before. They were standing beneath a tree shadowed against its frame. He smiled a surge of pride engulfing him, one that she had decided to attend after all and two that she looked so beautiful. Her blond hair was caught up in a pony tail and she was wearing a loose summer dress, yet she still managed to look better than the overdressed, adorned women who were milling around her.
He walked over towards her.
鈥 Hey you! 鈥 he said playfully, she jumped a flicker of uneasiness clouding her previous carefree expression.
鈥 Seth, where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you! 鈥 The large man who she was with stepped back, a smile frozen on his face.
鈥 Seth this is James, he's been keeping me company. 鈥
Seth held out his hand, 鈥 Nice to meet you. 鈥
鈥 Likewise, 鈥 James replied.
鈥 Hope she hasn't been boring you too much, 鈥 Seth joked but Lindsey's face grew tense.
James stared at Seth and said, 鈥 How earth could she do that? 鈥 but he returned Seth's smile.
Lindsey seemed flustered, 鈥 Well it was nice talking to you James maybe I'll see you again? 鈥
James lifted his glass to the couple in a gesture of farewell and said 鈥 You never know. 鈥 He walked away from them and was lost from view as he re-entered the house.
It was a year later and the party was a hazy memory that resurfaced for Lindsey only as a reminder that if she had not attended things would be so different. She was slowly emerging from a fitful sleep and as she opened her eyes she stared at her husband sleeping peacefully next to her. She could hear his shallow breaths and stared at him knowing it would be the last time that she would wake up next to him. He slept on blissfully unaware that she was leaving him. Lindsey knew that if she did not leave now she never would. She would be consumed by him, encompassed into his world, losing all sense of her own identity. Lyndsey knew that she had been drowning for years and it was James who had thrown her the lifeline that she needed. Seth was selfish, self obsessed, full of his own self worth which had suffocated her. When she had met James at the party and then by chance the following week they had fallen into an affair almost by accident, what she hadn't expected was to fall in love.
So now that the fateful day had arrived she realised she did not even have the guts to tell Seth that she was going. She would leave a note and maybe at some other point she would be able to talk to him. Lindsey dressed quietly. She felt duplicitous and deceitful but she knew there was no way she could act upfront, she was a coward and a long drawn out battle was not to her taste. She paused at the bedroom door and looked at his sleeping frame. She could make out his handsome profile and remembered how when she first met him she would stare at him for hours, pinching herself that he had even looked at her. She heard him sigh gently to himself and pulling herself together she left.
Seth opened his eyes as he heard the bedroom door close quietly behind Lindsey. So she's left me, he thought, the waiting game was over. He breathed in deeply and felt the pain gnawing at his stomach. Why didn't he get up now and stop her, tell her how much he loved and needed her? No, Seth could not do that his own ego would not allow it. He understood his own flaws; they had slowly been plucked out of him one by one as he saw Lindsey flower before his eyes. He had watched as she had blossomed into the vivacious, confident and best of all funny women that he had first fallen in love with.
Seth knew it was far too late to change the situation. For far too long he had acted the role of the macho male and it had finally occurred to him that it was not what Lindsey needed; in fact it was not what he needed. Running after women when all along the only women he had truly loved had now walked out of his life. Seth knew it was James Lindsey was leaving him for. He would even go as far to admit that he could understand their attraction. He had seen it the night of that party when he had discovered them talking beneath the tree. There seemed to be a calmness between them even then but he had ignored it refusing to have faith in his own intuition. As he lay looking up at the bedroom ceiling a blur of tears stung his eyes, he blinked them away rapidly refusing to feel their relief.
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