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Punch and Judy
by Piers Plowman
 Recent Archers scenes reimagined with a swozzle and stick, from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
PUNCH: For the time to while away,
Methinks we shall perform a play.
I, PUNCH, King of Dramatic Art,
Of course, shall take the leading part:
DAVID, a farmer brave and true ...
JUDY: Your casting's quickly gone askew!
PUNCH: Silence when the Master speaks,
Or else he quickly vengeance wreaks!
[Hits JUDY with platemeter]
JUDY: Ow!
PUNCH: JUDY, you, as in real life,
Shall play my false, deceitful wife,
(Typecast indeed, I say in truth):
The hooting, howling, harr'dan RUTH.
JUDY: This rubbish part my time won't waste,
Fair SOPHIE's far more to my taste!
PUNCH: Silence! I'm the director here,
Do not presume to interfere!
[Hits JUDY with platemeter]
JUDY: Ow!
[Enter OLD NICK]
PUNCH: Ah, OLD NICK, you're just the man,
To play that rasc'lly COWMAN SAM.
OLD NICK: I have an evil premonition,
For this role I shall not audition!
PUNCH: Just a minute, not so fast!
There's no audition, you've been cast!
[Hits OLD NICK with platemeter]
OLD NICK: Ow!
PUNCH: Here, your costumes, quick, get in,
The curtain rises, we begin.
JUDY: DAVID, love, are you about?
To the cowshed I'll nip out.
PUNCH: Yes, whatever, off you go,
And tell friend SAM I say "Hello".
How dutifully she makes her rounds!
My trust in her doth know no bounds.
JUDY: Off I sneak, where none can see,
I feel so guilty; shame on me!
OLD NICK: Darling, I thought you'd never come!
Give us a kiss, my dearest one!
[Cue slurping sounds]
PUNCH: RUTH's left her wellies! That's too bad,
I'll bring them out, 'twill make her glad.
O! What horror must I see?
Darkness come and swallow me!
JUDY AND OLD NICK TOGETHER:
Wait! O David, stay thy hand!
It's like this, please understand ...
PUNCH: Wife and cowman both untrue,
I fear I know not what I do!
[Hits JUDY and OLD NICK repeatedly with platemeter]
JUDY AND OLD NICK TOGETHER: Ow, Ow, Ow!
[JUDY and OLD NICK lie still]
PUNCH: Oh, a madness seiz'ed me,
I fear I've killed them, c'est la vie.
In the boxes and the stalls,
Time to clap, the curtain falls.
And if these shadows have offended,
Tough luck; for now the play is ended!
At Honeysuckle Cottage
Scene: Honeysuckle Cottage
BRIAN: Alice, darling! We're so proud!
For joy I'd like to shout out loud!
A cheque I've written, and it's signed.
On the table?
ADAM: Yes, that's fine.
ALICE: Oh, how I'd love to wring your neck!
[Aside] (But when you're gone I'll take the cheque.)
BRIAN: Oh, boo hoo hoo!
Everything I say is wrong!
This has gone on far too long.
[Whoosh! And the DEVIL appears in a cloud of smoke.]
ALICE: What a horrid brimstone reek!
Who are you, you ugly freak?
DEVIL: I'm the Devil, surly teen.
I think you need a change of scene.
Daughters who their fathers spurn
Are namely doomed in Hell to burn.
--- Disobedient, unchaste ---
They're punished there.
Here, have a taste!
[Stabs ALICE with pitchfork]
ALICE: Ow!
ADAM: Just a minute, hold on there!
That's my sister, have a care!
DEVIL: Oh, aren't we the chivalrous one!
Here's something for the dutiful son!
[Hits ADAM with platemeter]
ADAM: Ow!
DEVIL: Can't waste the whole day here, you know.
Back to Hell, then, off we go!
[Grabs ALICE and disappears in a cloud of smoke]
BRIAN: I spoiled her, it's all my fault!
This sorry end is what I've wrought!
BRIAN and ADAM together: Ungrateful children, repent betimes,
Or burn in Hell for all your crimes!
[Curtain]
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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