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Old Jimmy's Game
by Mr Snowy
 The Archers meets the Â鶹ԼÅÄ Radio 4 series Old Harry's Game in this clever comedy, from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
Professor Jim Lloyd looked around rather glumly
JL: You know, there's been a terrible mistake
Large red being (sounding somewhat familiar to Jim): Well now, that's what they all say. That's right, innit, Scumspawn?
Scumspawn: Absolutely, my Lord. I don't think I can remember anyone who didn't say it.
LRB: That's right. They all claim that they weren't really bad. Possibly the odd peccadillo here and there. Nothing major, just small things like the massacre of the innocents, introducing syphilis into the New World, voting for Will Young in the first series of Pop Idol. But taking things in the round they think really deserve to be in Heaven.
JL: Oh no, you misunderstand me, Lucifer. You are Lucifer, aren't you?
LRB: Only to old and trusted confidantes. Mere oiks like you, probies and such, should always address me as Prince of Darkness
JL: Certainly, oh Prince of Darkness. No one ever accused me of being lacking in respect; not anyone important at least. But tell me; why the silly voice. It sounds more human than devilish
Prince of Darkness (for we must abandon this silly plot device of not telling you who this character is and use his true title) It's all down to the PR Dept
JL: You've not got a PR Dept?
PoD: Well you'd have thought not for all the decent publicity we got for the last Lord-knows how many aeons. But then this new lass arrived; Brenda Tucker her name is……
JL ….. what? Brenda Tucker is dead?
PoD: Well has anyone heard a peep of her lately? If that girl hasn't been talking, she has to be dead. Anyway she kept banging on about how earthly perceptions of Hell had been so negative but this was transformed by listening to Old Harry's Game. So she suggested some ….er…….. now what did she call it
Scumspawn: I think the word was "rebranding", my Lord
PoD: Yeh that's right "rebranding". So we're not Hell anymore; we're Infernos R Us. And whenever the name comes up we all have to say it very loudly. But she also said that Andy Hamilton seemed to have made me more socially acceptable. She wanted me to try out his voice
JL: That's all very interesting. But clearly that's not Andy's voice you are using.
PoD: I did try it. The main problem was that I keep slipping into Matt Crawford. Know wot I mean, squire. And after a while I just accepted it. Anyway she tells me that our approval ratings have soared - apart from with the newts and skylarks obviously. So well in fact that I changed Scumspawn's voice too; couldn't find the real Uriah Heep so I settled for Will Grundy.
JL: Sounds like a good idea from Brenda then. I heard that she was a bright girl (but I always took the Ambridge view of "bright" with a pinch of salt) What's she working on now?
PoD: It's seems that she has another talent; finding loopholes in regulations. I've got her working on an appeal.
JL: Have you had a planning application turned down?
PoD: Not really. She's looking into the possibility of an appeal against the Fall. Some sort of claim that God was acting "ultra vires", get a celestial review. I'm quite hopeful, you know.
JL: Why's that?
PoD: Well where's God going to get a lawyer from amongst his lot? But enough of that. This mistake you mentioned. So you're not claiming you should be in Heaven?
JL: I most definitely am not!
PoD: So what gives then, mate?
JL: It's not a matter of whether I should be in Heaven or Hell. I'm an atheist; I shouldn't be anywhere.
PoD/ Scumspawn (smiling at each other): Hmmm!! One of those
***
Some time later (I'd say how long but this is Hell and earthly notions of time have no meaning here). There is a knock on the door to PoD's office
PoD: Come in
Scumspawn enters
Scumspawn: Is this a good time for my progress report?
PoD: Certainly. Pull up a pew. And might I congratulate you on the good price for which you bought them from the Rev Franks.
Scumspawn: You know what I always say, my Prince. Why should the Almighty have all the best seats?
PoD: Well tell me what's happening. How's my latest development going?
Scumspawn: The 3000 new bijou inferno-ettes? Everything's running according to schedule. And the production line for red-haired Irish temptresses is now operating at full tilt. You'll also be pleased to know that we have had a new delivery of Mankwold so that the stench in Sector G is truly damnable.
PoD: Everything tickety-boo then, Scumspawn?
Scumspawn: Well there is one minor problem, oh great one.
PoD (cocking an infernal eyebrow) Oh there is?
Scumspawn: Just a tiny, little one. You remember Professor Lloyd?
PoD: The atheist. Struck me as a chap with whom I could have some interesting conversations.
Scumspawn: Yes him. He is being a little difficult about deciding on his role within your realm.
PoD: You've shown him the usual options
Scumspawn: Of course, my Prince. He says that none of him seem quite him. His broken leg is obviously a problem.
PoD: Looks like we'll have to go to the default position
Scumspawn: The default position? I don't think I've ever come across that before.
PoD: Actually it's never come up before. But I did envisage that it might one day. It is really good that it has happened with someone who doesn't believe in me.
Scumspawn: But you still haven't said what it is.
Pod: Give me time. This is what it is all about...
***
Later still: Jim Lloyd is being escorted along an infernal corridor by Scumspawn. They go through a door.
JL: Well I must say this doesn't seem such a bad neck of the woods. More pleasant certainly than the other options you showed me.
Scumspawn: It's brand new here: 3000 bijou inferno-ettes. We've called it the Doris Archer Wing after one of the Prince's greatest servants.
JL: I think a chap could make himself jolly comfortable here. But will I be all right with the leg in the cast. Still that ought to be off any day now.
Scumspawn: Well actually no.
JL: Whyever not?
Scumspawn: It's all to do with the default position.
JL: The default position? What in Heaven's name - if you'll excuse the expression - is that?
Scumspawn: It's because you wouldn't choose any of the roles offered to you. The Prince of Darkness gets to decide on the precise nature of your punishment.
JL: And he has decided to put me somewhere nice but he won't let me enjoy it because I will have a broken leg for all eternity.
Scumspawn: Yes it's something like that
JL: Oh well I suppose I should count my blessings. I still reckon it's better than the other options.
Scumspawn: You might choose to say that; I of course couldn't possibly comment. But that is only part of the scenario. The Prince knew that the leg would cause you a problem so he's arranged some help. Your room mate will be along shortly.
Scumspawn departs, passing Jim's new room mate.
Room mate: Hello, Jim.
JL: Shula!! Whatever are you doing here??
SHL: Well it's not what I imagined all my life. You know - I tried to be good, help people, be kind to animals, go to church several times every Sunday. I did hope for a higher reward. But the way things turned out I can't really complain. Even when I was told I'd have to share accommodation with you. There's a certain poetic justice in it. And you've got to admit this default position is a pretty good wheeze by the Prince.
JL: How do you mean?
SHL: Well, making you share eternity with the person you hate most in the world - same punishment for both of us really.
JL: And I suppose that you'll keep ramming it down my throat that there really is a Heaven
SHL: Naturally.
JL: Even so, if Heaven does exist, why haven't you gone there?
SHL: You don't remember? (Jim shakes his head) Not at all? (Jim continues shaking his head) Don't you feel a little sore around the back of the head?
JL: A bit of stiffness in the neck perhaps.
SHL: That'll be it, I expect. You must remember pushing me once too often and I suddenly found this turkey to hand. There were rather a lot of them.
JL: You don't mean you slugged me with it. How interesting!
SHL: I'm afraid I do, Jim. I just lost it - and I'll be left to rue that one mistake forever.
Listeners: No, it's at least two. Remember Richard Locke.
JL: Even so, Shula, I wouldn't have thought you could do that much damage with a turkey. Even the Grundy ones were quite rounded and plump.
SHL: You seem to think it was defrosted.
JL: Ah, I see.
SHL (sighing in her signature vaguely-martyred way): Yes, Jim. But whatever am I thinking of - I've just been cooking you lunch.
JL: Oh good. You know, I think I could get used to this. What is it?
SHL: Just a couple of concoctions of my own; turkaleekie soup followed by salad grundysoise. And there's plenty more where this came from.
JL: You don't mean?
SHL: I certainly do
JL: Jesus Christ! The same yesterday, today and tomorrow!
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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