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The Midweek Ambridge Omnibus
by Slightly-Foxed
 One of the most prolific - and robust - Archers parodists goes by the name of Slightly Foxed (with variants). Here is his latest version of recent events in Ambridge, from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER: And now, in The Archers, Ambridge is off to Lourdes!
AUDIENCE: Praise be! A miracle!
SIR ARTHUR WOOD: [for it is he] Dum de Dum de Dum De Dum ….
EXTERIOR: Lords Cricket Ground. DAYVEED, BRINE, SID and JOLENE are all milling about excitedly in front of the turnstiles.
SFX: Background crowd noises from Test Match Special (B/W 1967.) Sounds of cake consumption have been digitally edited out by the Â鶹ԼÅÄ Radiophonic Workshop.
BRINE: It's a shame Ruth couldn't come.
DAYVEED: That's exactly what Sam said. How's Ruari?
BRINE: Oh, he's given a whole new direction to my life!
RUARI: Turn left in four hundred yards.
DAYVEED: Who's in charge of The Bull, then?
JOLENE: Oh, er, we left Fallon in charge. With Ed.
BRINE: Ed! Are you mad? That's like putting Dracula in charge of a transfusion!
JOLENE: No, he's actually a very good, reliable, solid barman.
SID: For a smackhead.
INTERIOR: Behind the bar at The Bull. FALLON is showing ED her pipes.
FALLON: When I pour it, I make sure I give it some head
ED: Nnnnnng! Pop!
KENTON enters.
KENTON: Right, Ed, we need our liquid levels topping up. I want a jug of Mai-Tai.
ED: Mai Tai have a moment to consider that request? [Aside, to Fallon] What do I do?
FALLON: Don't worry, I'll show you where I keep my jugs.
EXTERIOR: Lords cricket ground. The Ambridge contingent have found their way to their seats.
SID: This is superb. We're right behind the bowler's arm. Coo-eee [waves] Oh, they've stopped playing again, and they're all looking over here.
DAYVEED: Perhaps there's someone famous in the vicinity
AUDIENCE: Did you hear that enormous "clunk?"
DAYVEED: So, who do you think is going to win, Woodhouse Grange or Findon? They got 220 for 2, and Kingsbury made a great hundred.
AUDIENCE: Argh! A topical insert!
DAYVEED: Sid? Sid? Has anyone seen Sid?
JOLENE: He's been gone for 40 minutes, he must be stuck in the gents.
BRINE: All together now … "Oh dear, what can the matter be"
DAYVEED: Brine, will you come to the gents with me?
BRINE: OK, but shouldn't we look for Sid first?
INTERIOR: The Bull. ED is still working out the ingredients for Mai-Tai.
ED: Fallon, have we got any Cure-A-Cow?
FALLON: Nope, - sounds like the sort of thing Alastair might keep in stock, though.
EXTERIOR: Lords Cricket Ground, behind the toilets.
JOLENE: Oh, look. There's Sid. Coming out the gents with a strange man.
MIKE GATTING: [For it is he] So, you've been on an umpiring course, Sid. Tell me more about Umpiring. Cricket needs impartial umpires, I should know.
AUDIENCE: Could we make it Lourdes after all?
JOLENE: Sid! Coo-ee! Sid!
MIKE GATTING: A transvestite appears to be trying to catch your attention.
SID: That's no transvestite, I've seen her in the shower. She's my wife.
JOLENE [breathlessly] Sid! Where have you been [notices Gatting] Oooh. Helll-ooo!
MIKE GATTING: Hello, er …
JOLENE: Jolene. I'm a barmaid.
MIKE GATTING: Oh noooo!
THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY "NI": What we need is a shrubbery!
JOLENE: Can I take a photo of you?
MIKE GATTING: Er, I spose so.
JOLENE: Say "jockstrap"!
INTERIOR: Willow farm. MOIKE is contemplating breakfast. From the bathroom comes prolonged sounds of retching and heaving, followed by the flushing of the lavatory. HAYLEY enters, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
HAYLEY: Urgh! That's better! What's wrong with you?
MOIKE: Oi've got to ring Wendy. At work. What am I going to say?
HAYLEY: Well, I guess she'll do the talking. She's got a tongue in her head.
MOIKE: [distantly] Yes, she certainly has. Er … anyway, Oi thought Oi'd invite her down The Bull, as a preliminary to snogging.
HAYLEY: Oh God I feel sick again …. Bluergh!
EXTERIOR: Brookfield. RUTH is pouring the tea. PHIL has come over to help out with suitable tasks for an 80 year old.
SFX: The usual terrified bleating and mooing that attends all the animals in the care of RUTH and DAYVEED throughout their short nasty lives.
PHIL: How's it going?
RUTH: Fine, Phil, I just need to hose down.
PHIL: Don't let me stop you. Shouldn't you get undressed first?
RUTH: This is eating into the time you could be spending watching vegetables gro
w.
AUDIENCE: We know how he feels.
RUTH: Anyway I have to go off to my school catering committee meeting. We're selling the school our own produce, so I get to send myself an invoice.
PHIL: Never bad! And it's all subsidised by Natural England!
INTERIOR: Â鶹ԼÅÄ Farm. RUARI is getting ready for school.
JENNIFER: Twitter twitter twitter come on Ruari.
RUARI: I don't want to go, 500 yards down the road, to the roundabout.
JENNIFER: Twitter twitter twitter Loxley Barratt
RUARI: Take the third exit. I feel sick
JENNIFER: Twitter twitter twitter Freddie, Lily,
RUARI: You have reached your destination. Can I take Mousie?
INTERIOR: ALICE'S bedroom at IAN and ADAM's cottage. ALICE has no clothes on. Let us all pause for a moment in our busy daily round and savour that image. True. Alice is rich, and spoilt, and probably has a backside the size of Rajahstan, but nevertheless, she is 18 and has no clothes on. Ahem, where was I? Oh yes. ADAM enters.
ADAM: Alice - I was just wondering - oh! Sorry!
ALICE: How dare you walk in on me in my underwear?
ADAM: I'm sorry, I was just trying it on for kicks
ALICE: I can't decide what to wear
ADAM: Go like that! It'll be a blast!
ALICE: Do you think a lemon trouser suit is too butch?
ADAM: On Ian, yes. On you, no. Do you feel happier in trousers? I know I do.
ALICE: Ask me a couple of questions.
ADAM: Oh - OK. Name an offensive aircraft.
ALICE: That ** who woke me up flying over at 5.30 this morning. Ian left me a smoothie for breakfast
AUDIENCE: Insert gay joke of your preference at this point.
EXTERIOR: PHIL's vegetable patch. RUTH has come seeking heavily charged vegetable symbolism.
RUTH: Phil? I brought you a flask of coffee.
[PHIL looks around for possible escape routes and decides reluctantly he had better accept the proffered beverage]
PHIL: I was just measuring my offering
RUTH: Can I have a look? I promise not to touch. Wow Phil, some of these are monsters!
PHIL: It's not just about size, it's about quality and uniformity
RUTH: Could I eat one at teatime?
JANE BIRKIN: Je'taime, dooo doo dooo doo do
SERGE GAINSBOURG: Moi Non Plus
WALTER GABRIEL: Oooh that's no way to get the pigs in, me beauty, me darling…
INTERIOR: The Bull. MOIKE, WENDY, TONY, and EDDIE are all sharing memories of veterinary disasters.
TONY: I remember one time, Lilian got struck by lightning and I got splattered with the afterbirth
EDDIE: Pull up a couple of stools
WENDY: Bluergh!
TONY: Do you do much gardening
WENDY: I've got tubs on my patio
TUBBS: It's a LOCAL patio, for LOCAL people.
EDDIE: You know Oi'm celebrating tonight. Great aunt {Hilda? Who cares!} left Willyum a stack of money
Nothing for Ed though. That's another blow for him.
FALLON: I wish!
Cue the Doom Music
KIRSTY WARK/YOUNG/LAING [delete as applicable] Tonight on Front Row, we'll be looking at a potato sent in by a Mr Bert Fry of Ambridge, which looks exactly like Annie Leibowitz's groundbreaking portrait of a pregnant Demi Moore.
AUDIENCE: zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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