Â鶹ԼÅÄ

A Midsummers' Carol - Part Two
by Clint Driftwood

Read Part One

This Dickens parody was the winner in the prose section of our Summer Parodies competition, and was originally contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic on The Archers .

The outer door to AldridgeÂ’s office opened and there silhouetted against the shimmering sunlight he saw the form of a well-built young man.
"Hello uncle!" The young man announced with gusto as he strode purposely into the room. He always called Aldridge ‘uncle’: he was not in fact his uncle, Aldridge had had an association with his mother many years ago and she had encouraged the boy to always address him in that way.

"Bah!" was AldridgeÂ’s response.
"Oh, donÂ’t be like that uncle, especially on a day like today."
"And what, may I enquire do you consider to be so singular about today that marks it as being different from any other?" Aldridge questioned scornfully, not lifting his head from his paperwork.
"But uncle itÂ’s a day like this that makes one glad to be alive. The sunshine, the scent of newly mown grass." The young man enthused.
"Oh, you are glad to be alive are you? I donÂ’t see how you can arrive at that conclusion as an assessment of your present situation, youÂ’re poor enough."
"And you uncle should not be so grim, youÂ’re rich enough."
"Humbug" hissed Aldridge.

"Uncle, I have come to ask you to join my wife and I tomorrow night, we are having a MidsummerÂ’s party and we are inviting a few friends, do come uncle."
"Bah! Humbug." Grumbled Aldridge.
"Oh please donÂ’t be like that uncle."
"And how else should I be? Replied Aldridge, "When I see a fool squander money that he can ill afford on trivialities to celebrate a meaningless solar event. You had little wealth before you married that woman and you now have debt in its place. I tried my best to dissuade you from wedlock, but my sound advice was ignored. Marriage is for fools with little or no will power, who are too easily persuaded by a pretty face to part with their cash in return for a tumble in the bedchamber. If I had my way every Bridegroom would be hanged from the church steeple by his brideÂ’s train immediately the service was concluded!"
"Bu- but uncle." Stuttered the young man.
"But nothing!" exclaimed Aldridge "You keep the solstice in your way, and let me keep it in mine."
"ThatÂ’s my point uncle, you donÂ’t keep any days of the year a being special or sacred."
"And I shall continue not to keep them, as is my want. And you can keep them in your way, as is yours, and let us see who profits from them the most. Now good day to you Sir!"

"Uncle, there are many things that I have spent money on without thought of return, I did it in the spirit friendship, to please a fellow human being who had shown me a kindness, or at the least, a consideration for my feelings. A man is not remembered by how much he loved, but by how much he was loved, nor is his standing judged by the amount of money he has put by during his lifetime.
Hearing this AldridgeÂ’s secretary let out an involuntary "Yes!" Then realising her mistake brought her hand to her mouth and feigned a cough. Not being taken in, Aldridge admonished her by saying, "And any more of that and you will mark tomorrow by loosing your position!"
"DonÂ’t be angry uncle, please come to us tomorrow night"
"Bah!" Aldridge responded, rounding it off with, "Now good day to you Sir!"
"There will be a place set for you uncle. I will bother you no more today, least to say on parting that I still hold a hope of you joining us tomorrow night. Good day to you uncle."

With that the young man turned and made his way to the outer office where he stopped, exchanged pleasantries with the secretary and bid her good day. As he left AldridgeÂ’s office he let two gentlemen in. They nodded to the secretary and presently stood before AldridgeÂ’s desk.

"Do I have the pleasure of addressing Mr Crawford or Mr Aldridge?" Said one, consulting his notebook. "Mr Crawford has been dead these seven years." Replied Aldridge, "He died seven years ago this very night."
"We are sure that his generosity is well maintained by his surviving partner." Said the gentleman, handing to Aldridge his credentials.
It certainly was, but not in the way the two gentlemen presumed. Crawford and Aldridge were as the proverbial two peas in a pod. On hearing the word ‘Generosity’ Aldridge gripped the edge of his desk tightly for a moment, then looking up slowly he tossed the credentials across the desk towards the two gentlemen.

"We are here today collecting donations towards a fund for the children and senior citizens of the district who are in need." Said the gentleman," How much shall I put you down for?"
"Nothing." Aldridge answered.
"Oh, I see Sir; you wish to make an anonymous donation."
"Are there no old peopleÂ’s homes?" Aldridge asked.
"There are many." The gentleman replied.
"Social workers, foster homes and the WomenÂ’s Refuge," Aldridge asked sternly, "Do they still function?"
"They do Sir, though I wish that there was less need of their services."
"Then why bother me?" Aldridge chided. "Sir, some of us have got together to help the needy with a little extra food or clothing" The gentleman explained, not sure as yet of AldridgeÂ’s standing on the matter.

Aldridge soon made his standpoint abundantly clear.
"And to you Sir I say that I already support those institutions through my taxes. The Government seizes money that is hard earned from me, and proceeds to spend it willy-nilly on such nonsense without care for my wishes to the contrary. I tell you Sir that those who are so badly off should take advantage of my enforced generosity in those quarters."
"But Mr Aldridge," The gentleman implored, now feeling totally out of his depth. "Many are not able, and others would rather die."
"If they would rather die, then they had better do it, and be sharp about it." Aldridge suggested wickedly, and as an afterthought barked, "And decrease the surplus population!"

The two gentlemen looked at each other in astonishment upon hearing AldridgeÂ’s last remark.

Aldridge feeling greatly self-satisfied for the way in which he had dealt with the latest interruption to his day, and seeing the two gentlemen were greatly perplexed, decided to put the ‘top hat’ on the interview by enquiring sarcastically, "Now gentlemen, unless you have any other business here I will bid you good day?"

Realising is was useless to press the point further, the two gentlemen hurried out of the office pausing only momentarily to give the secretary a look of sympathy. As the outer door closed behind them Aldridge celebrated his victory and their exit by exclaiming "Bah! Humbug!" then returned to his labour.
Presently the church clock struck seven and Aldridge had to regretfully admit that the time had come to close the office for the day. He pondered that time was the greatest hindrance to his making a profit: there were not enough hours in the day.

He shouted to his secretary "You will be wanting to leave now I suppose?"
"Yes Sir, if you donÂ’t mind Sir?" She answered timidly.
"And what if I said I did mind, then what, eh?" Returned Aldridge, seizing his last chance of the day for a little sport with her.
"I suppose you will be out late tonight, enjoying yourself?" He forced the word ‘enjoy’ through his teeth as he sneered at the very thought of its meaning.
"Well yes, I shall Sir" She whispered, looking at the floor: not daring to meet his gaze.
"And you Madam, with an income of one hundred pounds a week are able to afford such a luxury? IÂ’ll wager you are not, but still you will go. Take heed of this Madam, if you are but one second late in the morning you will pay for your foolishness with the loss of your position. Now away with you!"

Read Part Three

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon