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The Lower Loxley Handbook - Part 2
by various
 From the Fantasy Archers topic of , listeners have contributed more extracts from the script issued to Lower Loxley's tour guides.
The Lower Attic
We now move on to the Lower Attic. Please note that children under 12 are not permitted in this room. They may be safely left in the Day Nursery under the care of our nanny, Hayley Tucker. No more than 30 children at any one time, please.
The Lower Attic is currently home to some of Lower Loxley's most prized possessions, the surviving paintings of Rupert Pargetter, great-uncle of the present owner. It is hoped that these will eventually be hung in a dedicated annexe to the existing art gallery (admission extra) but until this is completed the paintings have been carefully placed here for preservation by Elizabeth Pargetter, wife of the owner.
The artistic career of Rupert Pargetter (1880-1973) had a difficult start, when one of his oils was rejected by the Royal Academy on a number of grounds, including public lewdness. The painting, now known as 'Pastoral Scene with Cricket Match', but originally submitted for exhibition as 'Batting for Darrington', can be seen propped against the south wall, unfortunately rather obscured by the broken television set directly in front of it. Following this rejection, Pargetter established a summer school with a few equally talented friends in a small Belgian fishing village, and the watercolour lying by the east wall, 'Hauling Nets at Sunset', is perhaps one of the best examples of work produced by the Krappe Group. Prints of this painting are available in the Lower Loxley Shoppe. A painting-by-numbers set of 'Pastoral Scene with Cricket Match' has unfortunately had to be withdrawn from the Children's Section of the Shoppe.
We draw your attention to the large tin, with attractive Regency-style decoration. The manufacturer's mark leads experts to believe that it may once have contained assorted sweetmeats, and this has been corroborated by the discovery of a label nearby bearing the legend, 'Have a super Christmas, Mummy, lots of love, Nigel and Camilla'. The tin now houses the Lower Loxley Collection of Christmas Decorations. These are normally only exhibited between 24 December and 6 January but as part of the Greener Lower Loxley Project we are currently displaying a work from the tin by Miss Lily Pargetter entitled 'Ambridge Fairy' which shows an inspirational use of recycled materials including a toilet roll, paper doily and used baking foil.
Please take care when leaving the Lower Attic. If you have any further questions arising from your visit, please address them to Ms Usha Gupta, at the offices of Jefferson Crabtree, Felpersham.
The Bodging Room
We are now entering the Bodging Room. This room was established in the late 20th Century and demonstrates the continued link between the Pargetters and the land.
As you enter please note the humorous porcelain door plaque (circa 1998) with the word Bodging crossed through and "Botching" added in amusingly colourful letters. This again is the work of the talented Miss Lily Pargetter and is thought to bode well for her future career as a street artist. It is not certain who added the post-it note ("Oh Nigel you're such a bodger" on curled yellow paper, with coffee stain, carbon dated to 2001) but graphologists agree it is most likely the hand of Mr Kenton Archer, a local entrepreneur and wit.
The extension in which the Bodging Room resides is an early 20th century addition and I think you will agree that the elegantly peeling walls and attractively distressed window panes are wholly in keeping with the spirit of the property.
If you look to your left you will see the tools of the bodger's trade, laid neatly in order and with labels explaining their function. These were hand written by the current owner and they provide as comprehensive account of bodging as you are ever likely to see, or indeed want.
In front you see the very pole lathe with which the current owner bodges. Bodging demonstrations are on offer at most of our open days. This gives you an opportunity to try the craft for yourself and go home with your own unique thoroughly bodged artefact. This leaflet provides more information about this enjoyable and fulfilling activity. Please note that Lower Loxley cannot be held responsible for any lost fingers or toes.
On our right we see the breathtaking products of a master bodger's hand. I shall give you a few minutes to examine their exquisite detail and startling originality. Note that the price of each piece is inscribed, also by the bodger's own hand, on the underside of each item.
Once you have had your fill of the bodging, you can follow me to the next part of the tour.
The Library
Records show that the Library once possessed a number of volumes of great interest, including an illuminated manuscript from the medieval Felpersham Abbey, early works by Pope and Milton, and most excitingly of all a First Folio of Shakespeare's plays. Sadly, these all seem to have mysteriously disappeared following the Great Freeze of 1802, a severe winter unfortunately accompanied by a fuel shortage.
Much still remains to be seen, however. Knowledgeable visitors will have immediately spotted the link between Lower Loxley and the family of the late Diana, Princess of Wales: we possess the entire works of the Princess's step-grandmother, Dame Barbara Cartland. This magnificent collection, which takes up the east wall of the Library, was the devoted work of Julia Pargetter Carmichael, mother of the present owner.
Mrs Pargetter Carmichael was herself a budding author. Sadly, her first major oeuvre remained unfinished at her death but at her son's request, facsimile editions* of her manuscript have been prepared and are available for purchase in the Lower Loxley Shoppe (£25.00 or can be purchased as a joint item with Julia, a Life through her Art for £48.99).
Please note the trompe l'oeil work on the south wall. This wallpaper designed to resemble bookshelves was a recent purchase from a well known London emporium, made during the Pugsley-Titcombe Expedition of 2007.
Those of you who enjoyed your visit to the Bodging Room will be interested to note the book lying on the small card table - Bodging for Dummies. This book is currently on loan to Lower Loxley from the archives of Borchester Public Library.
The small blue bags on the larger card table bear the crest of Loxley Barrett Primary School and are the Book Bags of Master Freddie and Miss Lily Pargetter. Readings from the Book Bags will take place at 4.15 each afternoon in the Library.
As we leave, please pause by the west window to admire Lower Loxley's only Da Vinci.**
Errata:
* please substitute 'photocopied' for 'facsimile'
** this should read 'Lower Loxley's only Da Vinci Code, a new edition, slightly travel-stained, believed to have been purchased from Hollerton Junction in 2004'.
The Pargetter Historic Bicycle Museum and Exhibition
Formerly the pride and joy of family black sheep and reclusive misfit Cousin 'Swotty' Pargetter (1845-1897), the Study, situated in the West Wing, has for many years been a somewhat neglected room. Traditionally it was only used when a naughty child was 'Sent to the Study to Read a Book' as the ultimate punishment a Nanny Pargetter could inflict. Family tradition has it that this punishment was so feared that even the merest hint of a spell in 'Swotty's' was enough to quell even the most rebellious among the Pargetter young.
The present owner has recently revamped and extended the Study and it now has a new lease of life as the centrepiece of the Pargetter Historic Bicycle Museum and Exhibition. With the aid of a grant from the National Lottery and an interest-free loan from English Heritage, the new feature seems destined to become one of the most popular attractions at Lower Loxley.
The Museum not only houses the extensive collection of over 248 bicycles personally owned by members of the family from 1897 to the present day but also shows how the family has been involved with bicycling history over the years. Exhibits range from the grand basketwork 'howdah' tricycle upon which the late Queen Mary exercised along the North Terrace during her visit to Lower Loxley in 1921, to the last remaining machine of the ill-fated Pargetter Bicycle Battalion, the bicycle-mounted infantry brigade whose gallant but ultimately tragic efforts made absolutely no difference to the outcome of the Boer War.
Before leaving the Study, take a moment to admire the Pargetter family crest above the fireplace. This delightful feature, designed by Mr Nigel Pargetter, is cleverly composed of bicycle gears, pumps, saddles and reflectors. Lower Loxley would like to acknowledge the help and sponsorship of NoMoreNails plc in the creation of this very special art installation.
[For those visitors who have been inspired by the Bicycle Museum, bicycles are available for hire for use on the all-weather track around the Lower Lake. Helmets, elbow and shin pads must be worn. Bicycle hire at visitors own risk. The Management of Lower Loxley Enterprises accepts no liability for any personal injury. For your peace of mind we advise the purchase of Lower Loxley Personal Injury Insurance.]
The Still Room
The Still Room was an important part of the house. This is where the reigning Mistress Pargetter would mix her lotions and potions - medicines for the household, soaps, perfumes, make-up, hairwashes, hair dyes, tooth powders and mouth washes. These recipes would have been handed down to her from her mother and her mother-in-law and she would experiment with her own mixtures. A selection of these are now available in the Lower Loxley Shoppe or online from Pargetter's Products. Lady Barbara's Mole Enhancer should not be used at the same time as Dame Jocelyne's Wart Remover.
Please note that supplies of Mistress Elizabeth's Vanishing Cream have temporarily been withdrawn, in accordance with a Court Order obtained (under the Trade Description Act) by Sharpe Practices of Tunbridge Wells.
The Gallery
Visitors to the Gallery will notice the stained Chinese carpet in the middle of the floor and wonder how the stain, seemingly so fresh, got there. This is a story, strange to relate, which Oscar Wilde used for his delightful tale, The Lower Loxley Hall Ghost later renamed The Canterville Ghost in view of copyright matters.
[Guides, there's a cassette made by the twins reading this out, which is set on the timer. Nobody can move onto the next room once you've started it playing: so use this opportunity to sell taster glasses of Lower Loxley wine to the visitors, please. There's a penny commission for every full 12 bottles you sell!]
The gallery is also home to the ice-cream label collection, with the Ms Snowy collection being particularly noteworthy to visitors interested in crêmeglacéeology - the lime-lolly limited edition and the chewing-gum oyster wrapper being especially rare. Mr Snowy also has a corner displaying his wares but unfortunately these are lake-stained.
You will note the collection, mounted on the walls, of all the greetings cards ever sold from the Ambridge Village Shop. Three of these even have the distinction of numbering the only known instances of such cards having been posted. All the others were hand delivered, as is the custom round here.
[The tape should have now finished. You can suggest putting it on again if the visitors have failed to buy less than five cases]
The Kitchen
Before leaving, do take time to visit The Kitchen. This is the House Kitchen and is not part of our catering operation, which uses new kitchens built to the west of the house on the Old Cesspit site.
On entering The Kitchen, your eyes will no doubt be caught by the colourful display of pizza delivery leaflets on the east wall. These authentically stained artworks are on temporary loan to Lower Loxley from the collection of Mrs Ruth Archer, sister-in-law to Mrs Pargetter. The nibbled ends on some of the leaflets are the work of Monty the Muntjac, former pet of the Archer family and now resident in our Pet Zoo. Don't miss visiting Monty and his companions (admission extra, enter at your own risk).
Please look out for the spit in the south fireplace. We seem unable to cure Titcombe of this unfortunate habit.
The casserole on the oak table was the gift of Mrs Jennifer Aldridge, cousin of Mrs Pargetter, amateur local historian and doyenne of a busy and happy farming family - one of our local success stories, thanks to the hands-on attitude of Mr Brian Aldridge. Mrs Aldridge has produced a fascinating local history website and as part of Interactive Lower Loxley you may log onto this in the Old Stables (wireless connection, 50p per minute).
The old bread oven on the north wall still produces old bread and this is naturally available both as an accompaniment to a meal in the Orangery Café or to take home from the Lower Loxley Shoppe (please do not feed this bread to animals in the Pet Zoo).
As part of the Greener Lower Loxley Project, all food waste from The Kitchen is recycled, by being offered to deserving local families. Letters of appreciation for these gifts are currently to be seen at the offices of Jefferson Crabtree, Felpersham.
Our thanks to fieldplace, Lantana2, Rosie T, sovietsong and VickyS
Read part one
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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