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Lily's News
by Vicky S
 More news from Lily, courtesy of this contribution to the Fantasy Archers topic of .
Yesterday after school I could not go to tea with Jessica even though she is my best friend in Year 3 because it was a very special day for my family because my granny and my grandpa have been nearly married for a very long time so they have to have a photograph of us so they know what we look like. I had to go home instead and all my family came to my house for the photograph. Except Jamie did not come and Meriel did not come. But the rest of my family did come. Except Ruari did not come, and Sipho and Nolly did not come they are brown and Phoebe did not come but Phoebe is not brown because Roy is not brown.
When I said why is Jamie not coming Mummy said it is because Uncle Kenton is not Jamie's real daddy, and Freddie said is Uncle Alastair coming then because he is not Daniel's real daddy, and mummy said no that's different, and before you say anything Freddie it just is. And I said is Phoebe not coming because Hayley is not her real mummy then or is that another different thing and Mummy said you need to go and put a clean pair of tights on. When I came down Freddie was crying and I hadn't touched him. Anyway he was shouting "Its not fair, me and Lily and PipnJoshnBen are the only people in our family who have an ordinary mummy and an ordinary daddy. I want a mummy and a daddy who aren't a real mummy and daddy like Jamie and Daniel and Phoebe, or a dead mummy like Ruairi." Uncle Kenton made a noise in his nose and Mummy looked at him and made Freddie blow his nose and his eyes went all red. And Aunty Ruth said something but I don't know what it was.
I said to Daddy was Lewis going to be in the photograph because he is like Daddy's step father like in a story. And Daddy said to me to shush please Lily, things are complicated enough as it is without you putting in your two penny worth, I said I haven't got two pence I've only got a five and a ten and a fifty pence and £148.35 in the bank. And Daddy said make sure you don't tell your mother you've got that much, but if you lend it to me I will use it when I buy the new horse and that means you can own a bit of it for your own, like an ear. So we did a high five so now I own some of the horse and Freddie doesn't.
It took a long time to do the photograph and I missed my programme. Mummy said to Aunty Shula thank god that's over I'm exhausted and Aunty Shula said well it's alright for you I've had to break my neck getting here from the Cathedral School for half past and Alastair and I both had to cancel two appointments so its cost us money and Mummy said well I'm so sorry for the inconvenience of inviting you to use our ballroom, maybe we can all squeeze into your tack room next year, or line up in the Brookfield milking parlour. And Uncle David said I vote we just order extra copies of the school photographs next year.
Did you know that if you eat strawberry icecream you will have pink sick and that of course it will never come out its an 18th Century Persian silk carpet for heavens sake.
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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