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Harry Potter and the Worm of Ambridge, Part 3
by lantana2
 The epic mingling of Harry Potter and The Archers continues. Later instalments can be found on the Fantasy Archers topic of .
With Harry and Snape returned to their original appearance and Bellatrix Letrange posing as an exotic dancer in search of her snake, Professor Snape has decided Harry must return to Hogwarts.
"What?", said Harry indignantly.
"I will be able to deal with Bella much more easily if I am not baby-sitting you, Potter. And I can not believe the Headmaster would want you exposed to discovery by so notorious and loyal a Death Eater. Do not protest, Potter. My mind is made up. Now, I am about to create the smallest of magical diversions".
Snape looked at the bar, where Bellatrix was listening to the older Muggle, then gave a slight wave of the hand. As far as Harry was concerned, nothing had changed. Then the morose landlord gave a shout. "Hey, who's responsible for that". He emerged from behind the bar and stalked to a table at the opposite end of The Bull. He picked something up and brandished it in the air. "Another cigarette end!", he blustered loudly and indignantly. "I won't have it. And a few stalks of corn, no, maize - it's got to be Macy". "Don't be daft, Sid", said his wife, "Adam doesn't smoke". She also left the bar, and they began a heated discussion. At last, Bellatrix's hooded eyes moved to the distant table, and she surveyed the scene with a look of amused contempt. "Now, Potter", said Snape in a sharp whisper, and pulled Harry along a shadowy wall towards the door, through it and out into the open air.
"Follow me, Potter", said Snape briskly. "We will find a quiet spot from which to apparate to The Laurels".
"But why do I have to go back..sir?" asked Harry. "I could always hide from Lestrange - camp in the woods or something".
"Camp in the woods, Potter? What on earth would you achieve doing that? You're not yet on 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'. I am responsible to the Headmaster for your safety. I can no longer guarantee that safety, therefore you will return to Hogwarts. Once at The Laurels, Madam Antrobus can notify the Headmaster by patronus, and someone will be dispatched to collect you - no, do not argue with me, Potter - and I, meanwhile, will return to The Bull. Ah, that appears to be a suitable spot over there".
Harry followed Snape, rage bubbling inside him. "What about the Muggles in The Bull while we're doing all of that? Supposing Lestrange attacks them?"
"And a further deduction of ten points from Gryffindor, Potter. I have warned you repeatedly about your insolent form of address. Before we left The Bull, I could hear the older Muggle, one Joe Grundy, telling Bellatrix his stories of The Wyrm. Bellatrix will listen closely in case he knows something that will be of use. Further, I have, ahem, 'suggested' to Mr Grundy, that he telephone another elderly man in the village, who possesses a wide knowledge of local folklore. Once Mr Fry arrives, I think it highly unlikely that Bellatrix will be leaving before my return. We must not delay however, there is a fine line to be drawn. I myself, in conversation with Mr Fry, have been tempted to use…yes, this spot will do. Take my arm, Potter".
Later, in Marjorie Antrobus' bathroom at The Laurels, Harry picked up his robes, and pulled off the tee-shirt which he was wearing. Snape had already explained the situation and gone, leaving Madam Antrobus to alert Dumbledore and Harry to change back into his wizarding robes.
Harry was still furious at being sent back to Hogwarts. "I'm not some little kid", he thought resentfully, kicking the 'Make love, not war' tee-shirt across the floor. "I've faced He Who Can Not Be Spelled four times now and beaten him. When's Snape ever faced him? Only when He wants to talk to his Deatheaters. 'Yes, my lord, no, my lord', how hard can that be? Especially when the git is probably still on He Who Can Not Be Spelled's side anyway - ?"
Suddenly, Harry froze. Why hadn't he realised it? He remembered Snape's words in The Bull, "I have never known the Dark Lord to send Bella on such a mission…". Why send Lestrange on an important task when you could send Snape, who, as he had so frequently informed Harry, knew so much about undercover work? All that Scarlett del Monte stuff wasn't meant to be serious, 'Bella' wasn't sent to find Nagini, she had been sent so that Snape had an excuse for getting rid of Harry, so he could find Nagini himself and bring her to his master.
Harry sat down on the edge of the bath. What should he do? Talk to Dumbledore, said Hermione Granger's voice somewhere inside Harry's head. And what would Dumbledore say? Harry could hear the answer already, the same answer as always:" I trust Professor Snape, Harry". By the time Harry had got Dumbledore to take him seriously -if he even could- it might be too late.
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door. "Harry, are you alright, dear?", asked Madam Antrobus. "I've just received a reply from Albus. He is sending Nymphadora Tonks to collect you. Unfortunately though, she had a little accident with one of the moving staircases on the way to Dumbledore's office. She's fine, Madam Pomfrey is just patching her up, and then she'll be on her way to us. Meanwhile, would you like a cup of tea? I've put the kettle on"
"Yes, yes thank you, I'm nearly ready", Harry called. He picked up his robes, and noticed a silver gleam from one pocket. It was his Invisibility Cloak. He had forgotten to transfer it to his Muggle clothes after taking the Polyjuice Potion. Now it seemed that, as if by luck, he had found an answer to his dilemma.
Harry refolded his robes and put the tee-shirt back on. He stowed his wand in the back waistband of the chinos, and wrapped himself in the Invisibility Cloak. He opened the bathroom door a crack; Madam Antrobus was spooning out tea leaves, her back to Harry. He wished he had some way of letting her know what was happening, but he had no quill or parchment. Opening the door, he tiptoed from the bathroom and moved to the main door. It clicked as it opened, but fortunately Marjorie Antrobus seemed to be rather deaf and did not hear. Harry slipped from the room, down the stairs and out of The Laurels.
Emerging from the shady driveway of The Laurels, Harry blinked in the late afternoon sun. It was a long walk back to The Bull; would he be in time? He pulled off the Invisibility Cloak, stuffed it into a pocket and set off. Hearing a noise behind him he turned. A milk float was coming along the road, and as it drew up to Harry, the driver called out, "Need a lift, mate?"
Gratefully, Harry climbed aboard. "Thanks", he said to the young driver, "I need to get to The Bull". "Don't we all!", replied the driver. "Not from round here, are you?"
Harry thought it best to keep to the cover story Snape had given out. "Jazzer, Jazzer McCreary", said the milkman in reply to Harry's introduction and explanation. "So your dad's a vicar? That must cramp your style a bit?". "Yeah", said Harry. "Still, you get on with him ok, your old man?" "Not really", replied Harry, "in fact we don't get on at all". "Bummer", replied Jazzer. "I had the same trouble with my dad, that's how I ended up here. Not a bad life though, delivering the milk". He winked at Harry.
"You're working late", commented Harry, looking at the lengthening shadows. Jazzer laughed. "That's my attention to customer service, kid. The boss thinks the customers pay over the odds because they like something fresh and different on the doorstep, and so they do". He winked again. "I'll give this a bit of welly", Jazzer continued, "get it up to the full twenty". "Thanks again for the lift", said Harry. "No probs, mate", replied Jazzer. "I'll pop in The Bull anyway, see if Fallon's there - Jolene's daughter. Ed might be there too, by now. Mate of mine", he explained to Harry. "Well, they both are. Mind you, it can be awkward - thing is, they fancy each other, but neither of them'll admit it and get on with it. Makes it a bit difficult sometimes, know what I mean". As a friend of Ron and Hermione, Harry certainly did.
The journey, even at the float's top speed seemed to take forever. Harry grew more and more anxious. When they arrived, he dashed into The Bull, only to find the bar empty apart from an annoyed looking Jolene who was drying glasses. "Er, excuse me", said Harry, "have you seen my…my father anywhere?" Jolene looked up. "Hello, love", she said, "feeling better now? Shame you had to rush off and miss your treacle sponge. Your dad was quite concerned about you. Wonderful man, isn't he?" Harry made what he hoped was some muffled noise of agreement. "Oh dear, feeling ill again? " asked Jolene, "just step off the carpet, love, it's nearly new".
"No, I'm ok, really", said Harry desperately. "I just need to find my…him" "He was here a minute or two ago", said Jolene, looking round puzzled. Harry felt panic rising in him. Where was Snape? Where was Bellatrix? "Might he be with that woman?", he asked. "Scarlett del Monte?" "Well, that's possible, I suppose", said Jolene, tight-lipped. "Robert Snell's just gone out to the car park with her, giving her a lift to Grey Gables, the hotel, you know, and every other man in the place, including my husband, seems to have gone out to make sure she can manage to get in the car. I'd have credited your dad with more taste though. Nothing about her was real, and I don't just mean her name".
"Thanks", said Harry. "I'll go and check". "That way", said Jolene and Harry dashed out. In the dark lobby, he pulled on his cloak, then pushed open the door which led to the car park at the rear of the pub. There was no sign of Snape, but he immediately spotted Bellatrix Lestrange. She was standing, tapping a foot in a way that worried Harry, while the landlord, and the two Muggles who had been in the bar, Snell and Grundy, were standing with another Muggle, a stocky elderly man. They were looking at the front of what was obviously Snell's car, the front passenger door of which stood open. Harry edged as close as he dared.
"Oi just don't know what happened", the stocky Muggle was saying. "I was just starting to recite my Ode to the Wyrm for Miss Del Monte here, and that headlamp just exploded. Oi wouldn't mind, but the same thing happened in the gents just now. I was putting the finishing touches to the Ode while Oi washed my hands, and just as that there new vicar come in, and started listening, the light bulb blew up. Oi don't know what to make of it".
"Tis the curse of the Wyrm, Bert Fry", said Grundy, happily.
"I'm sure it was nothing more than a coincidence, Bert", said Snell reassuringly.
"Oi certainly hope so", replied Bert. "If something's going to blow up every time Oi say a line of poetry, Oi'll have to give it up. MoiFreda won't have it".
Behind them, Bellatrix Lestrange coughed pointedly. "Miss Del Monte, do forgive us", said Snell. "I'll take you to Grey Gables and then get the light fixed." They turned towards the car.
There seemed only one thing to do. Under cover of the cloak, Harry dived into the car, and crouched on the floor beneath the back seat. He heard Snell assisting Bellatrix into the front passenger seat, and then opening the driver's door. After a few moments, the engine started, and they left The Bull.
Harry crouched in the back of the car, listening to Robert Snell pointing out the sights of Ambridge to Bellatrix, whose method of dealing with this appeared to be to repeat the name of the attraction in question, "The shop…the duckpond…the village hall…" in an increasingly puzzled tone. What a pretty voice she had though, reflected Harry, how nice it would be if she were speaking just to him. He began to drift into a pleasant reverie, sharply interrupted by the memory of Snape's voice, "She is perfumed with essence of Amorentia". Sighing, Harry wrapped his nose and mouth more firmly in the Invisibility Cloak. This did not add anything to the comfort of the journey.
Robert Snell was still talking. "I'm sure that chap on the motorbike has overtaken us once already", he was saying, "looks like Alan's bike, but of course he's away".
Just as Harry was beginning to think he would be permanently stuck in the back of this car, there was a sound of gravel on the tyres, and they stopped moving. Robert Snell switched off the engine and, getting out of the car, walked around to open the passenger door. He helped Bellatrix out and they stood for a moment with their backs to the car, surveying the front of a large country house. Harry managed to scrabble into the front seat and fall out of the door onto the gravel. He was not enjoying this trip.
"I think you'll find Grey Gables very comfortable, Miss del Monte", Robert Snell was saying.
"I'm sure I will", replied Bellatrix smoothly, adding under her breath, "Muggle dunghill".
Under cover of the cloak, Harry sped past them up the stone stairs and into what was clearly the reception area of the hotel. There was no sign of Snape. A young man was sitting at the reception desk, talking to a very pretty girl of about Harry's age. He reflected sadly that being invisible was no great improvement on being Eddie if rather less embarrassing.
"Well, I'll be getting on then, Roy". the girl said.
"Yeah, thanks, Alice" replied Roy. "You're doing a great job here, you know", he added in a rather patronising tone. "We'd be very keen to keep you on or have you back".
"Thanks, Roy, I'll bear that in mind", Alice replied, adding in an undertone as Roy answered the telephone, "in the unlikely event of me not going to uni or joining the RAF, AND having to take a boring dead-end job that'll mean staying in Ambridge for ever and marrying Jazzer".
Robert Snell entered with Bellatrix. As they approached the reception, Roy hastily put down the phone, clearly cutting off the caller, and hastened to greet them. Robert introduced Scarlett del Monte, explaining that she was the possible owner of the Ambridge Wyrm.
"If you'll just sign the register, Miss del Monte, I'm sure you'll find everything here to your comfort and satisfaction", murmured Roy who appeared to be auditioning for the part of Uriah Heep.
Alice peered at the register. "I thought Mr Snell said you were called Scarlett del Monte", she said.
"That is my stage name", Bellatrix Lestrange said in an icy tone which Harry felt did not bode well. He reached for his wand, but could not retrieve it easily while keeping the cloak tightly around him.
"Right", said Alice, "Whereas Bellatrix Lestrange is your actual…."
Fortunately, Robert Snell obviously also felt intervention would be timely. "Miss Le…Del Monte is most interested to see the room where the snake was first seen, and to hear more about it".
"I bet she is", thought Harry grimly. Where was Snape?
"I saw the man who had the room", said Alice, "he had a ponytail and smelt disgusting. I was…."
"Thanks, Alice", said Roy hastily. "As the manager here, and one of the first to see the snake itself, I'll show Miss Del Monte the room, and explain everything to her. You were just going home, weren't you? Oh, excuse me, one moment". A large group of people who appeared to have been attending a business meeting emerged from a downstairs room, and one of the men approached to talk to Roy.
Hoping he was completely hidden from view, Harry took the opportunity to partially remove the cloak to free his wand.
"That was very impressive", said a female voice beside him. Harry jumped, but it was not Bellatrix but a young woman in a very new looking business suit. "I can do a bit of magic of course, I once had the 'Young Magician's Trick Box' for Christmas. I could probably give you some tips on appearing more spectacularly than that. And you could try saying I AM INVISIBLE as well to make it more exciting."
"Yeah, thanks", said Harry, trying not to panic. "Look, can you keep your voice down a bit, I'm a ..a..er surprise act for tonight and I don't want to be seen". Thoughts of infringement of the Wizarding Secrecy Laws were running through his head. This was not going well.
"Right", said the young woman. "I could help if you wanted". She was not unattractive, but there was a certain greasy smell in her hair, reminding Harry of burgers and chips. "Pity Snape's not here", he thought irrelevantly. "He could probably cop off with her".
Fortunately at that moment, the man who had been speaking to Roy called, "We'll be off then, Brenda". "Sorry", said the young woman , "Duty calls", and to Harry's immense relief, she left with the business group.
Securely wrapped in the cloak, he saw that Bellatrix and Roy were now going up the staircase. Alice was still at the desk, talking to Robert Snell. Harry prepared to follow Bellatrix when his blood ran cold.
"….saw Ian and Ruairi today. Ruairi is a delightful little chap, isn't he?".
"Sorry, Robert", said Alice sounding upset. "I can't agree". Her voice grew louder. " I know none of this is Ruairi's fault, but he really is a vile brat. He is so spoilt and he just wants to take things that aren't his and break them. Perhaps he'll improve as he gets older. Look, I'd better get going or I'll be late for supper". She waved and walked out of the hotel.
Bellatrix Lestrange had stopped on the stairs. She had turned very pale, and her hooded eyes were darkened. "A moment", she said imperiously to Roy, "there is something I must attend to". She swept down the stairs, and followed Alice outside.
Harry did not stop to listen to Snell's and Roy's puzzled exclamations. He dashed for the door, nearly tripping over the cloak in his haste.
Outside, he could see Alice sauntering towards the car park. Bellatrix was just behind and called, "Stop, Muggle!"
Alice swung round. "Sorry, are you talking to me?".
Bellatrix advanced on Alice. She had produced a wand which was pointed directly at the girl. "You filthy Muggle. You dare to speak the Dark Lord's name with your filthy, muddy Muggle tongue. You dare to sully his greatness, you dare to insult him, you piece of Muggle dirt, you…"
"I don't know what you're talking about", said Alice, "but you clearly need help. The only person I've been talking about is that wretched Ruairi".
Harry could not reach his wand, his stumble over the Invisibility Cloak had dislodged it. Bellatrix spat once on the ground, and levelled her wand. "Die, Muggle filth. AVADA …."
There was a flash of light. Harry closed his eyes and heard;
"Protego! Expelliarmus! Stupefy!"
The Killing Curse never reached the girl. Bellatrix's wand spun from her hand, and she herself crumpled to the ground.
Snape stepped from the shadows.
More next week
More next week.
More Potter Parodies:
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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