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Harry Potter and the Worm of Ambridge, Part 2
by lantana2
 The epic mingling of Harry Potter and The Archers continues. Later instalments can be found on the Fantasy Archers topic of .
Disguised as Clarrie and Eddie, Professor Snape and Harry are trying to keep Ruairi safe from the snake Nagini.
It was a long walk to Â鶹ԼÅÄ Farm. Harry wondered if Snape ever considered stopping for lunch, or even a drink.
Snape turned to Harry. "We do not know the extent of the Dark Lord's powers, Potter", he said. "However, we have observed that his magic is already strong. It may be that already he can use Leglimency. Since you have failed to grasp even the basics of Occlumency, you must keep away from him as much as possible. Keep behind me, do not let him look at you directly. Ah, here we are".
They approached the large farm house. Aldridge was outside, pulling off a pair of boots. He looked up at Snape's approach. "Ah, Clarrie", he said, "hello again. Oh, and hello, Eddie", he added rather less enthusiastically as he saw Harry bringing up the rear. Harry noticed that Snape's hand rested lightly on the wand pocket. Harry would not like to be in Brian Aldridge's crocodile skin loafers if he made another pass at 'Clarrie'.
Snape wasted no time. "Oi've just heard that Ruairi's been out and about, Mr Aldridge", he said reproachfully. "Oi did warn you about that awful snake."
Aldridge frowned. "Look, Clarrie, while I'm very grateful, as I've already said, I'm not sure this is really your business. I was with Ruairi earlier at the lake and then his, um, er, Ian took him kite flying, when I simply had to work. He was really quite safe. Oh, excuse me a moment..." His mobile was ringing.
Aldridge looked delighted as he closed the phone. "That was Adam", he said. "Alice has done brilliantly in her A-levels, 3 As and a B."
"NEWTS", hissed Harry to Snape, trying to be helpful. Aldridge looked puzzled. "Oi thought I saw a newt over there", Harry said hastily. "Oh, Edday", said Snape menacingly. "Right, well if you don't mind, I'd just like to ring Alice", replied a still puzzled Aldridge.
"That's quite alright, Mr Aldridge", beamed Snape, "You go ahead. What a clever girl. Unlike you, Potter", he hissed, as Aldridge opened his phone again. "Another interruption like that, and YOU will be a newt. I am perfectly aware of the Muggle educational system, thank you. Everything alright, Mr Aldridge?" he continued as Brian Aldridge put the phone away, looking disappointed.
"Alice isn't answering", he said. "I'd really like to go round and see her, take some champagne, you know, a little gift. But I don't want to take Ruairi out again so soon. I don't suppose..."
"Edday and me'd be delighted", said Snape. "Where is the little chap?"
"In the kitchen", replied Aldridge. "Well, I am most grateful. I'll just get the champagne out of the cellar and I'll be off. You go on in."
Snape and Harry entered the house. "I see the purchase of loyalty with dubious trinkets and promises is a family trait", he muttered. They located the kitchen. "Stand by the door, Potter", commanded Snape. "Do not look directly at the Dark Lord".
Harry could see at once that the kitchen would be the envy of Aunt Petunia, although she might not approve of its somewhat untidy state. He Who Can Not Be Spelled was sitting on the tiled floor, playing with a green soft toy and a large kitchen knife.
"Poor Mousie", Ruairi was saying. "Mousie's lost his paw. If Mousie is very, very good, Ruairi will give him a nice new one".
Snape dived for the knife and placed it on the table top. Ruairi threw himself onto the tiles and started to scream. This did not bother Harry, who had been brought up with Dudley Dursley. He picked up a copy of 'Where the Wild Things Are' and started reading. Uncle Vernon had considered picture books "a complete waste of money". Snape, however, looked rather anxious. "Now, now, er dear, don't take on", he was saying. "Look", his hand flicked over the wand pocket, "Oi've brought you a lovely ice-cream." Ruairi cheered up immediately and took the large cone which Snape had produced from thin air. "Who are you?", Ruairi asked.
"Oi'm Auntie Clarrie", replied Snape. "Daddy's gone out, so Oi'm looking after you".
"Is Daddy dead?", enquired Ruairi.
"No, no, he'll be back soon, dear", replied Snape. "Why don't you and me go and play with your toys, while Uncle Edday makes us all a nice cup of tea?"
Harry concentrated on the book while Snape and Ruairi went past him through the door. Harry was rather disappointed not to see more of 'Auntie Clarrie's babysitting skills, but he was thirsty. He washed up and made tea. He found some chocolate brownies which were rather burned but tasted fine compared to Hagrid's rock cakes. Stuffing a few into his mouth, he went out of the kitchen with the mugs of tea.
Harry followed the trail of ice-cream drips to a newly painted bedroom. Ruairi, covered in ice-cream, was playing with a toy tractor, while Snape was facing the windows, muttering incantations. Harry coughed. Snape motioned that he should leave the tea on a chest of drawers. As he did so, Harry knocked over a silver photo frame.
"That's my mammy's picture", said Ruairi. Harry hastily picked up the frame (Snape was glaring at him) and saw again the red-haired woman whose photograph he had seen in Ruairi's Memory Box and who had, for a moment, reminded him so poignantly of his own mother, Lily. He was about to prop the frame up and leave when Snape's hand took it from him.
Snape stared at the woman in the photo. "That's my mammy", Ruairi said again. Snape made an odd choking noise. He touched the woman's long red-gold hair. "…lovely girl...", Snape murmured, "…so vibrant… beautiful hair..."
Harry felt as though he had just eaten a Puking Pastille, and regretted the brownies. What on earth was wrong with Snape today? He looked as if he might start snogging the photo at any moment. "She's dead, she's a long way away", said Ruairi, and Snape seemed to pull himself back to reality.
"Never mind, dear", he said to Ruairi, "we can always remember her… always".
The Puking Pastille sensation returned to Harry, but at that moment they heard a car door slam. "Daddy", said Ruairi, looking out of the window. Harry and Snape looked too. It did not appear that Brian Aldridge's visit had been very successful. He was still clutching the champagne. Snape was looking intently at Aldridge. "Well, Potter", he said, "it appears the Aldridge girl is bright in more ways than one. Still, fathers can often be a disappointment to us, wouldn't you agree, Potter?" Harry flushed, but at that moment Aldridge came upstairs.
After they left Â鶹ԼÅÄ Farm, Snape wordlessly set off again towards Ambridge. He was clearly not in the mood for discussion, which suited Harry. Even handicapped by a pleated skirt and support tights, Snape managed to stride along rapidly. Harry trailed behind. He wished he had not stuffed down so many brownies, he wished he had finished his mug of tea, he wished he had thought to visit the toilet before leaving, and he wished they would stop wandering about. He suspected Snape might feel the same, but Harry didn't care. Snape was behaving weirdly, but he was still managing to take points off Harry, mess about in his head and insult James. Why couldn't they find Nagini? What would they do when they had found her? Why did no one ever explain stuff properly to Harry? He felt he and Snape had wasted hours visiting Ambridge and achieved nothing.
As if in response, Snape began to speak. "On balance, a successful visit, I think, Potter. I was able to warn Aldridge again before leaving, and I have managed to place a number of charms on the building which should prevent Nagini gaining access to the boy inside". He paused, saw that Harry was lagging behind and turned to wait for him. Harry, head down, did not notice. "And", continued Snape, "it can have done no harm for us to have gained the Dark Lord's confidence".
"You gained that alright", Harry thought bitterly to himself, "when you betrayed my mum and dad to him."
"What.. did …you …just… say… Potter?" Snape seemed to be having trouble forcing the words out.
"Nothing", said Harry.
"Liar", shouted Snape. His face was deathly white and he was almost incoherent. "I never meant… would rather have di… not your mother… I lo…"
"WHO CARES WHAT YOU MEANT?" Harry yelled back, hardly hearing, "SHE'S STILL DEAD ISN'T SHE?"
They stared at each other for a moment in complete silence.
Then a voice said, "Eddie? Clarrie? Is everything all right? Would it help to talk about it?"
It took Harry and Snape a moment to turn and see who had spoken. A man, casually dressed, but wearing a dog collar, was standing in a gateway, looking at them with concern.
Snape took a deep breath. "Oh, Alan, Oi'm really sorry you had to hear that. It's just, well it's Edday's Aunt Hilda. He were that upset when the van broke down and we couldn't get to her funeral. We both loved her… we both loved Auntie Hilda… and we just… got a bit... silly, loike". Snape pulled a tissue from the apron pocket and began dabbing at his eyes.
"Got to give it to the git", thought Harry, "he is a brilliant actor. Probably how he fools Dumbledore."
"That's understandable", replied Alan. "Grief can do strange things to us. Look, I've got a few minutes. Why don't you come into the vicarage and have a cup of tea?"
Harry willed Snape to accept. He just wanted to sit quietly for a while (that is, after he had found the vicarage bathroom).
Snape sniffed. "Thank you, Alan", he said in a choked voice, "That's ever so kind of you. I spec me and Edday just need a little chat"
"Expect on, mate", thought Harry, but he nodded and gratefully followed Snape and Alan into the vicarage.
They went into a sitting room. Harry was surprised to see a pretty black-haired girl lying on a sofa, talking on her mobile. Harry gave what he hoped was a cool smile, before remembering that he was a plump and balding middle-aged man. The girl hastily got off the sofa, and with a quick "Hello, Dad, hello, Clarrie' disappeared up the stairs. "Like totally gross...", they could hear her saying. Snape smirked at Harry. "Always remember to keep in character, Potter", he said in an undertone.
"Bring your case down, can you, Amy?", her father called up the stairs. "We're going away for a few days, now Amy has got her results. She's been feeling a bit low, row with a good friend, they probably won't see much of each other now. Well, you know how it is", he said to Snape and Harry.
"Oh, Oi do, Oi do", said Snape and starting mopping his eyes again. What was he doing, hoping for the Order of Merlin for his acting abilities, thought Harry, exasperated. He was about to ask Alan the way to the bathroom, when Snape said, sniffing, and throwing his tissue in a bin, "Edday, do you have a hankie?" Harry felt urgently in his pocket, and finding a handkerchief, tugged it out. Unfortunately, the two vials of Polyjuice Potion, which Harry had totally forgotten, came out with the handkerchief, and smashed onto the floor.
"Sorry", stammered Harry inadequately. He wondered whether it would be possible to apparate somewhere without the vicar noticing.
"Oh, Edday!", said Snape. "Oi told you not to bring that rubbish with you. His dad's snake-bite lotion, case we met the Wyrm", Snape explained to Alan. "Did you ever hear anything so daft?"
"Oi'll get a cloth", said Harry miserably. He imagined a career as a troll trainer stretching in front of him. You didn't need NEWTS for that. Or possibly, he reflected, looking briefly at Snape, just a career as a troll.
"Oi'll give Edday a hand", Harry was horrified to hear Snape say. "Oi don't want him breaking anything in the kitchen".
"Don't worry", said Alan, "you two sit down. I'll get a mop and the dustpan and brush". He left the room, to Harry's great regret.
"Words seldom fail me, Potter", said Snape, in a voice like ice splintering, "but I believe you may have managed to effect such a happening. Never have I witnessed or imagined such gross incompetence, and I speak as one who has taught not only Longbottom, but Crabbe and Goyle". He paused, then continued, "I had observed from the street that the vicarage borders both the churchyard and the cottage where the snakeskin was found. You will search everywhere about here for a sign of Nagini. If you find her, you will return at once and alert me - unless of course, Nagini finds you first, in which case I will have to reconcile myself to your inglorious death in the line of duty. Oh, Edday just needs a bit of air", Snape continued, as the vicar re-entered the room. Harry nodded dumbly and left the room as Snape sat down in a chair by the window.
Harry searched miserably for twenty minutes , but could find no trace of Nagini. Where in Ambridge could a twelve foot snake hide? How much longer could this drag on? How would they continue without Polyjuice? He trudged back inside.
Snape and the vicar were standing in the hall; the dark-haired girl was in the open doorway. "Remember, Clarrie, those we love never truly leave us", Alan was saying. Snape glanced briefly at Harry, then turned back to the vicar, hand on his wand pocket. "That's really lovely, Alan", he was saying. "Before we go, do you mind if Oi pop upstairs, tidy up a bit? Oi feel such a mess."
"No, not at all", Alan said. "Look, here's our taxi. Take these keys, Clarrie. Just lock up and pop them through the letterbox.
"Clothes, Potter", hissed Snape as they reached the landing. Harry looked blank. "For a reason which entirely escapes me" Snape continued, tight-lipped, " we have no further supplies of Polyjuice Potion, and I imagine there is little call for Boomslang skins in the village shop. We can not revert to our true appearance in these outfits. Find something suitable as quickly as possible, I can feel the potion beginning to wear off"
Snape was right. As Harry pulled off the grubby denim jacket he was wearing, he felt himself shrinking to his usual size. He rummaged in what was clearly the girl's bedroom, and managed to find some chinos which vaguely fitted him. He covered up with a large tee-shirt, which he noticed too late bore the slogan 'Make love not war'. However, to his great relief he also located the bathroom. Emerging, he blinked; why was Snape in wizarding robes? Then he noticed the dog-collar, and realised Snape was dressed in one of the vicar's cassocks.
"Come, Potter", said Snape. He swept through the front door, and pocketed the key after locking it. "We are going to the pub."
"Is that for a reconnaissance exercise... sir?", asked Harry, desperately trying to sound intelligent.
"No, Potter", replied Snape. "It is because I am in need of a very stiff drink"
***
"Sit there, Potter". Snape indicated a table tucked behind a large computer screen. "I know it will be hard but try not to make yourself too conspicuous".
Harry obeyed, and Snape made his way to the bar. The Bull was fairly quiet, but there were two Muggles standing at the bar, one middle-aged and one elderly, talking to the morose-looking landlord and his blonde wife, who reminded Harry of pictures he had seen of Celestina Warbeck, Mrs Weasley's favourite singer.
Harry leaned towards the bar and strained to hear snatches of conversation. The landlord began to speak to Snape, but his wife swiftly imposed herself between the two and began to take his order.
"...cover for Reverend Franks' holiday….Father Jessup…"
The older Muggle coughed. "Catholic…?"
"…High Anglican "
"...dunno... Mrs Woolley… say about that".
Snape returned in a swirl of robes. Harry could see the landlady watching him, leaning over the bar.
"He looks… exactly… Rickman", Harry heard her say in tones which managed to sound awestruck and lustful at the same time. Harry wondered what on earth she was talking about.
"A shandy for you, Potter", said Snape, placing a glass of malt whisky on his own coaster. "I have ordered you sausage and chips and treacle sponge pudding. I trust that is satisfactory."
"Thank you… sir", said Harry surprised.
Snape waved a hand dismissively. "I can hardly return you to Professor Dumbledore in a state of starvation", he said. He sipped his whisky and then closed his eyes. As he drank his shandy, Harry wondered if Snape was dozing, but he suddenly spoke, and Harry realised Snape had been listening to the conversations at the bar. "The older Muggle knows many stories of the 'Wyrm' ", he said to Harry. "Most of it complete tripe of course, but there may be some nuggets of assistance to us."
"We... we don't seem to be getting very far", Harry ventured, adding hastily, "sir". Snape seemed to have mellowed with the whisky but given the day so far Harry was taking no chances.
"The search for Nagini is indeed proving more time-consuming and certainly far, far more tedious than I had anticipated, Potter", replied Snape, "but that is the nature of undercover work. I…"
The landlady appeared with Harry's sausage and chips and a small omelette for Snape. She put Harry's plate down hastily and turned to address Snape.
"Our best free-range eggs and organic mushrooms", she beamed, indicating the omelette. "So, you won't be here for very long, Father Jessup?"
"No, madam, as I explained, only as long as Reverend Franks is on holiday. Still, I look forward to spending a few quiet days in the country with my... my son."
Harry choked on a chip and took a hasty gulp of shandy.
"Do call me Jolene, Father. You'll find plenty of interesting things to do in Ambridge."
"Really", said Snape in tones of barely suppressed incredulity. The landlady did not seem to notice, although she was still looking avidly at Snape. Then her husband called tetchily from the bar, "Jolene? I could do with some help here!".
Harry thought that unlikely, seeing that both the men at the bar already had drinks, but the landlady flounced off, giving Snape a departing smile over her shoulder.
Snape sighed. "I will perform a disillusionment charm", he said. "Then we may be able to eat in peace."
"I don't think so, sir", said Harry. "Bellatrix Lestrange has just walked through the door".
Snape pulled Harry back. Harry could hear him murmuring. "The strongest possible disillusionment charm", he hissed when he had finished. "It would deceive Muggles for days… but with Bellatrix we may have less than an hour. I have never known the Dark Lord to send Bella on such a mission. He must be displeased indeed with what the Carrows achieved." Snape's eyes were fixed on Bellatrix, his right hand gripping his left arm.
The tall woman with hooded dark eyes swept to the bar and surveyed the Muggles. Both the customers leaped up, offering her their bar stools.
"She is perfumed with essence of Amorentia" said Snape, observing. His hand moved to his wand as the landlady glared at Bellatrix, whose attention was fortunately diverted by the landlord offering her a drink, "Free... on the house... on us."
Harry looked angrily at Bellatrix. Here stood the woman who had sent his beloved godfather, Sirius, beyond the veil. "Clear your mind, Potter", hissed Snape. "Listen and learn."
Bellatrix was talking to the Muggles, and waving a newspaper. Some conversation drifted over to Harry.
"My Bertie… stolen… exotic dancer… Scarlett del Monte."
Harry almost choked on another chip. Snape glared.
"Abysmal", he said, "truly abysmal. Never have I heard a more pathetic cover story. The name was presumably researched at a grocery counter"
"I thought it was quite funny", Harry muttered and immediately wished he had kept silent.
"We are in a Muggle building, with a fanatical Death Eater and Muggle torturer. If she discovers me, then it will take much ingenuity to explain my being here. If she discovers you…" Snape's voice trailed off, and he gave an almost imperceptible shudder. "But, Potter, do continue to extract what nuggets of humour you can from this situation. Far be it from me to put a damper on your enjoyment or bring to your attention the seriousness of the situation. But then I am forgetting, what others may regard as dangerous and foolish, such as, let's see, running with werewolves, your family find highly diverting".
Harry glared. "So", he said, "what are you going to do about it then?".
"What are you going to do about it, SIR", said Snape. "I am remaining here, Potter. YOU will be leaving immediately"
More next week.
More Potter Parodies:
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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