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Ambridge Valley PTA
by Loda Bullox
 This parody of the song "Harper Valley PTA" was inspired by the recent Archer family photo, and contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic of .
Caution - contains strong language
I wanna tell you all a story 'bout an Ambridge publican's ex-wife,
She had a young son Jamie who attended Ambridge Village Junior High
One day her partner, lovely Kenton, came and told her with a scowl upon his brow
"I've just been talking to my sister - she really is a bloody cow!
"They're taking a group photo, to celebrate our parents' special day
"And the whole family will be there - or so my awful sisters say...
"But just because we haven't bought a wedding ring or tied the knot,
"The buggers have the cheek to say they won't let you be in the shot!"
It happened that the photo shoot was due to be that very afternoon
And they were sure surprised when Mrs Perks came striding, head up high, into the room.
She looked around the studio and took in the assembled compan-ee
And she said "I've got some things to say about the Archer famil-ee...
"To start with, look at Alistair, who's posing as the perfect vet
"But he nearly lost his marriage just because he can't resist a bet...
"And Shula's done some things that would have made her poor old parents blush!
"Did you know why Doctor Locke once left the village in a mighty rush?
"The two who live at Brookfield, seems they can't get enough of sex...
"Well, there's David Archer, who was lusting over Sophie his old ex.
"And Ruth's pretence at innocence, I tell you it is nothing but a sham -
"Did you know about the time she went to Oxford with the cowman Sam?
"I'm sorry that this next bit will come as quite a shock to Jill -
"But what about the time when Nigel ended up in bed with Phil?
"And Lizzie's such a snob she always gets on everybody's tits -
"This place is worse than Albert Square - and you're all Ambridge Village hypocrites!
"And yet you have the nerve to tell me, to your precious photo shoot I can't come -
"Well you can stick your flipping photo - right up your collective bum!!"
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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