Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

Little public notice for you. Found: one watch, photo enclosed. Bit crap but it might be sentimental to someone. Apply here.

82 hours into the tour and despite some concerns, the whole team are getting on really well. The bus isn't too smelly, but it's starting to get messy - Laura you need to get your marigolds out. Nottingham boys gave it their all tonight but the cute factor was low and I think Laura is starting to get worried that she won't find a hunk of burning love. The judges need to starting picking some hotties. We had an interesting conversation in the bar tonight about wildlife - wolves in particular, TV Will (or the Michael Winner of Radio 1) paticularly enjoyed it. Got to sign off now - my coffin is a calling...........

Why why why why why why why why why am I sat up on the bus at 4.15 discussing the ins and outs, success and failures, highs and lows & rights and wrongs of Radio 1 with Scott and Miles? First of all I want to know how the conversation went from utter gutter to management speak via 1001 things to do with a rasher of bacon, a piece of string an old two pence piece in the space of 10 minutes. It went from silly to surreal to serious as quickly as you could say "Rhys...you are WRONG".

Security Bear Paul just got right on my pip. It's 7.28, my alarm is due to go off at 7.30, but Paul decides to give me a call. Now I'm sitting here with my heart racing because the only time Paul usually calls me is if I've massively over-slept. He is in fact calling to see if my room's free yet because he needs an "Eartha' and a shave. I am not happy but wise experience has taught me never to let this show to the Bear...he's bigger than me, well certainly wider.

It's all getting too much. I'm so tired that even winding Miles (Tour Manager) up has lost its appeal. The grumpiness level has reached a new high and that's without Chappers on the bus. Speaking of which he was missed last night. As grumpy as he is it would have been nice to have had him nearby as we watched Man Utd beat West Ham in the hotel bar at 2.00am. As a fellow Manc he's the closest thing I have to family on this bus of Mocha drinking southern meeja types...only joking, love them all.

Right, 2 hours sleep then....might have spent a little too long back at the bus talking nonsense with Scott and Huey.

Last night - a large one. Far too many drinks. Contestants all a laugh. Tip for future contestants - don't wear a scooby doo outfit...wrongness. At some point someone randomly brought back a poster from the hotel toilet wall with the latest attraction to the hotel's bar on Saturday. A retro pop group called "Agent Orange", classic pop synth duo from off of the eighties fame.. we're thinking of trying to persuade Zane Lowe to give them a session. The poster's now in our bus toilet. Rest of the evening a blur. Woke up this morning feeling the most RUBBISH I have ever felt! We won't get going to Newcastle until 9.30 at this rate, but hopefully we'll make it in time for the show(!)

Pete Roach is now running around with his finger sticking out of his trousers, and Will is talking filth every two minutes. Indeed the topic of conversation mentioned was about wolf something or other.....

I have laughed quite a lot on this tour, there've been some good stories - here's the latest: I have to introduce Roger - he's one of our esteemed engineers. In order for this to make sense to you, I have to fill you in a bit about Roger and Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ OB (outside Broadcast) engineers in general. They're an excellent bunch, mainly good humoured, up for a laugh and can always be relied upon when the brown stuff is approaching the electric whirly thing at high velocity. I would say that Roger is among the quieter of the engineering crew which makes what follows all the more remarkable.

The engineer chaps are travelling on the big mobile studio and on arrival at Nottingham, Steve (head honcho) relates the following. During a 'comfort break' Roger has taken his leave to the gentlemen's. Next moment, Steve receives a call from a panicky Roger to say he's had catastrophic underwear malfunction - in short his underpants have given out under massive tension. What is perhaps more interesting is that we discover Roger is something of a thong wearer. Poor Big John is despatched back to Roger's suitcase to find a suitable replacement and the crew continue on their journey.

Now. Steve is standing telling us this story and Roger is listening and his parting words are, "They're not thongs, they're tanga briefs". Genius.

We are TV and we are running tings. We've still got 25 bags of lights, cameras and other bits, but the previously carefully packed bags are now in a completey random order. Where is the camera charger? No idea.

As I predicted on Monday leaving the hotel on time each morning just isn't happening. "BE ON THE BUS ON TIME OR IT LEAVES WITHOUT YOU" said Tour Daddy Miles. Who were we waiting for this morning? Miles naturally. Will, Huey, Miles and I are sitting in the downstairs bit of the tour bus at the minute talking about lady bits and watching some of the 'specialist' material on Miles' phone. I think we could all do with some fresh air.

This morning Moyles was playing 'The Wheels On The Bus' song and now it really is stuck in all our heads. However, as I have blogged before the level of discussion in the bus never rises out of the gutter. So I'm thinking we change it to 'The Filth on the Bus Goes Round and Round'.

The talk of filth is not healthy. I think its really getting to Roachy. You know in cartoons when someone is starving and whoever they look at turns into plucked cooked chicken. Well Roachy is giving me those looks and I know its not chicken he's imagining.

Just read the blogs and Roachy's reminded me of the new Beef. It looks like me and Huey have patched things up over the iPod incident by drinking lots... We're now great "showbiz mates", mate!

So the new beef involves TV vs Radio. This surely is RADIO 1 not TV 1 . Will and Roachy keep trying to take over the place with their thousands of bits of kit and lights and nonsense. They've even put a sign up on the office saying they 'run tings'. Well this reached boiling point at last night's auditions when the TV (forward slash interweb picture monkeys) held up proceedings at least 4 times with tape changes, makeup and other such rubbish... Rhys reminded them of their place in the pecking order here in a very LOUD way!! So interweb tv picture monkeys, back in your box!!!! Radio rulez here. Alright???!

I feel a bit dirty and it's not just being on the bus with the gutter chat and Miles' phone fun. It's this TV vs Radio beef. I am essentially a radio person, I rather like my colleagues from wireless. Yet I have been attracted by the many bags of equipment, the literally bright lights, the various girlys with clipboards and the opportunity to shout 'cut' all the bloody time.

I feel my engineering chums have turned their backs on me. I would say we were tolerated, not welcome, at their drinks table last night. Anyway, me and Roachy have decided to go to prontaprint on the way to Newcastle and get a big old A2 sign printed with 'TV Production Office' on it. That'll learn the backward radio boys...pictures! Thats the way forward!

Ahhh... First bath of the week. As I lay back enjoying a cup of tea and some shortbread room service arrives with a hammer and chisel for me to remove the black rings around the bath when i'm finished.

So you'll remember me talking about security Paul having an obsession with Ginsters Pasties... Basically, we have to arrange our route so that we pass a service station every 37 minutes for him to pick up a pasty. Well, I arranged for the people who make the pasties to meet us in Newcastle with a truck load of them for him... Which they very kindly did. .

I'm so hungry that I've hardly got the energy to type. With the exception of the biscuit I had in the bath I've not eaten since 7.30 this morning. I ordered an omlette 40 minutes ago and was wondering what was keeping it until I saw the chef walking into the kitchen. It was when I saw him walk like he was chewing a toffee through his backside that I realised he'd probably had trouble laying the eggs. When it arrived my plate was being mopped clean before the waiter could apologise for the chefs Nobby's. I know I know that was a bit low but that's just how bad things have got. Sleep deprivation, hunger and claustraphobia messes with the mind in a big way.

Scott's slighty losing it, I went in to the video suite before and caught Will chewing the side of his screen whilst Roachy was lying completely flat out on the floor like he'd just been taken out by Lee Harvey Oswald.

As I waited for my omlette I decided to draw his outline in tape. By the time I finished my food someone had added a dog. By Friday we'll all be madder than the people appearing in front of us every night.

Just been watching my sister 'work' during the show. Its so weird that people think she's actually famous! Ha Ha! It seems that cabin fever has started to kick in over here. I got into the hotel and was introduced to Scott who was at the time rolling about on the floor in hysterics. Can't wait till tonight! Bit worried about what father dearest is going to wear... or say for that matter! Anyway must dash! ciao! x

I've left it until late in the week to put up a blog for the trip. My small piece comes in the form of an apology to all my fellow crew members who've been caught down wind of me. After a week of cooked breakfasts, free lunches, evening meals and beer the result has been anything but pleasant for the crew. Sorry guys.. Oh yes. I'm responsible for the dog.

I've been so busy today that I've haven't had time to leave my blog. I got up this morning, I posed for photos whilst half asleep in a service station then Febreezed, Cillet Banged then Ousted the truck (other cleaning products are available).

I then did some press and had a photo taken of me stroking a car... I know very strange but not half as mad as some of the things going on here. Really... no really... everybody is on the cusp of hysterics and total madness. I collapsed on the floor earlier and just couldn't/didn't want to get up, Scott keeps getting the giggles and my sister worries for us all.

Must go now and get ready for tonight, what shall I wear? I think its gonna be a good one, but then again they all are in their own special way.

I've just finished my show and I can honestly say that I can hardly even talk which is a disadvantage in my job. I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, panties....ahhhhhhh!!!!! I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad, I'm going mad....

We've just sat down for dinner and been treated to one of the hottest chillis I've ever tasted. Even Roachy who eats vindaloo butties for breakfast bust out a sweat comparable to Will's chocolate sweat from Nottingham. We were using bath towels as napkins to mop our brows. A few minutes into the meal Will came up with the theory that chef might possibly be trying to give us southern media types a taste of what real northern men eat for dinner.

It was then the penny dropped and I enlightened him to the fact that perhaps the chef, like everyone else working in the hotel, had stumbled across my blog and took exception to my 17.15 entry. When I went to get my dessert he was more than enthusiastic about the custard for the crumble which he described as being 'very special and extra sweet'. Naturally I declined.

Romance isn't dead in Newcastle... just teminally ill. And as a result there won't be a Newcastle representative in the final next week, which Laura isn't pleased about. The friendship between Laura and Scott, which has always been tighter than an Andi Peters t-shirt, is in the balance after the panel voted off one of the best looking auditionees of the week simply because he didn't break a world record... it was harsh. The cracker muncher failed to swallow 3 crackers in 47 seconds and ended up spluttering crumbs all over the place, something that didn't help Laura's OCD... but she would've got over it. Had the same thing happened on Monday then I'm sure the whole thing would've been forgotten about withnin minutes, but the lack of sleep has left few raw edges and that didn't help matters. Come back Chappers all is forgiven.

Arrrrrgghhhhh!!!! the testosterone levels on the bus are in direct proportion to the countries water shortage. One of our parish is on the verge of explosion and if not obliged in the next 24 hours I fear for the safety of the other parisioners. The dress, wig and lipstick are almost out and the disturbing thing is the prospect of playing mum is now appealing to all. So for the love of god.... somebody please...help the men of this tour. They need relief.

We're sat in the hotel bar... again... Scott and Laura have gone back to the bus and still aren't talking. As for us we're scaping the bottom of the conversational barrel in an attempt to steer away from the usual subjects... mainly biology based. We've invented a geography game; Fill in the missing word "Newcastle ....... Capital if the World". We've done science; How many diffent kind of sweats are there? Curry Sweat, Chilli Sweat, Chocolate Sweat and we even invented a new one... Puppy sweat. And we've done Art painting some amazing pictures in our heads of what we'd all look like in drag... Oh hell. We're back at biology again.