麻豆约拍

LUCYOn the afternoon of Good Friday, we might imagine all was still and quiet. Jesus was dying; and the image we have in our minds are often that of a solitary cross, with sadness pervading the air. The reality was probably something more like this鈥︹��.I鈥檓 out in the middle of London surrounded by busy crowds. 聽It鈥檚 noisy, dirty, bustling with city life. Crucifixions took place outside the city walls in Jerusalem and the skyline would have been full of crosses. This form of public execution was a spectacle, designed to be seen. And so crowds gathered, having jostled Jesus when he carried his cross on the way to Golgotha, now jeering him as he died.
The isolation Jesus felt as he cried out to God asking why God had left him was not eased by the presence of the crowd. It might even have made it worse.
And so this Good Friday afternoon, I鈥檓 taking a moment to consider a theme of our modern society 鈥� loneliness 鈥� in the light of what Jesus when through on that day.
聽MUSICJessye Norman first line: 鈥淲ere you there when they crucified my Lord?鈥�
聽READING PSALM 22聽I am poured out like water, 聽聽 聽and all my bones are out of joint; 聽my heart is like wax; 聽聽 聽it is melted within my breast; 聽聽my mouth is dried up like a potsherd, 聽聽 聽and my tongue sticks to my jaws; 聽聽 聽you lay me in the dust of death. 聽聽


LEAH聽Lucy: We鈥檙e talking about loneliness on this particular Good Friday. Do you think that loneliness is just a normal part of being alive?Leah: There are different kinds of loneliness. Last night I was supposed to go to a function. It happened that I had to go on my own and I decided against it because I would have been with a lot of people and I didn鈥檛 want to be on my own.聽LUCYI鈥檝e been discussing loneliness with Leah Hoskin鈥︹��a member of my own congregation鈥�..聽LEAH聽鈥�.if you鈥檝e lost something that is the most important thing to you in the world, then you have to be alone. There is no person who can enter into that with you. It鈥檚 just not possible. You鈥檙e alone.
LUCY聽You sound like you know what you鈥檙e talking about.
LEAHWhen my husband died, there was a terrible loneliness but I hadn鈥檛 been with him all his life or all my life so there seemed to be more to be able to fall back on. The loss, in some ways, for his daughters and for his family was also very great and we shared it. It was different for me and I was alone. But when my daughter died, I was 鈥� and am 鈥� in that, completely alone. No one can enter into that loss because no one else was her mother.聽鈥︹��this is very difficult鈥�..when Sophie died I wasn鈥檛 there and when I got there, I couldn鈥檛 stay. So, did I run away? I don鈥檛 know. It was too much鈥︹��and it鈥檚 continued鈥�on one level I get on with my life. I have very good times. I have a family. I have another daughter. I have grandchildren and great-grandchildren and friends and I鈥檓 not lonely. But it鈥檚 often that I鈥檓 alone. Other people enter the loneliness of losing Sophie in a different way but for me, it never goes. That aloneness will never go because it can鈥檛 change.
SCOTT聽On one level, I don鈥檛 consider myself a lonely person鈥︹��. so I would more say I鈥檓 a person who spends a huge amount of time alone 鈥� and that is out of choice鈥�..
LUCYScott is a man in his 40s who lives by himself鈥︹��he too thinks a lot about what it means to be lonely 鈥�..聽SCOTT聽maybe I am lonely but the loneliness isn鈥檛 to do with other people, it鈥檚 to do with a kind of melancholy, or a loneliness inside of myself where I鈥檓 seeking a unity, a wholeness, a connection to something within me.Lucy: Do you think there鈥檚 a relationship between being physically alone and being lonely or do you think that being physically alone has nothing to do with being lonely?Ashley: Being physically alone and lonely. No. Because I know people who are achingly lonely and they鈥檙e in contact with people all the time. 聽

READING Mark 14. 32-40聽(Music: Bach: For Love My Saviour, St Matthew Passion)32 They went to a place called Gethsemane; and he said to his disciples, 鈥淪it here while I pray.鈥� 33 He took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be distressed and agitated. 34 And he said to them, 鈥淚 am deeply grieved, even to death; remain here, and keep awake.鈥� 35 And going a little farther, he threw himself on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. 36 He said, 鈥淎bba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me; yet, not what I want, but what you want.鈥� 37 He came and found them sleeping; and he said to Peter, 鈥淪imon, are you asleep? Could you not keep awake one hour? 38 Keep awake and pray that you may not come into the time of trial; the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.鈥� 39 And again he went away and prayed, saying the same words. 40 And once more he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were very heavy; and they did not know what to say to him. 聽聽LUCYMaybe having other people around but not being able to reach them鈥︹��or seeing them fall asleep when he鈥檇 asked them to stay with him, increased a sense of isolation for Jesus as he knew what the next day would bring鈥�.
MUSIC/HYMN: When I survey the wondrous cross
When I survey the wondrous CrossOn which the Prince of Glory diedMy richest gain, I count but lossAnd pour contempt on all my prideREADING John 19.25-27Meanwhile, standing near the cross of Jesus were his mother, and his mother鈥檚 sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. 26 When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing beside her, he said to his mother, 鈥淲oman, here is your son.鈥� 27 Then he said to the disciple, 鈥淗ere is your mother.鈥� And from that hour the disciple took her into his own home.
LUCYThere comes a time when life鈥檚 circumstances plunge us into loneliness because the people we love leave us鈥�.now aged 93, Mary Mannion, has had to come to terms with the death of many friends in recent years鈥︹�β燤ARYI used to feel very upset once upon a time but I don鈥檛 now because I think if you believe, they鈥檙e going home aren鈥檛 they? They鈥檙e going back to God. The body decays but your soul goes back to God. They鈥檙e going to a better place鈥�..in the presence of God. I feel sad they鈥檙e gone of course but I think one shouldn鈥檛 be afraid of death at all.Lucy: Part of the story of Good Friday is that his mother Mary stayed by the cross. Do you think about her?Mary: I do and it must be dreadful for her to watch her son on the cross. We call her 鈥楳ary Dolorosa鈥� don鈥檛 we? Mary of the Sorrows. 鈥楾hine own heart a soul shall pierce and out of many hearts, thoughts may be revealed.鈥� Mary did suffer terribly as any mother would watching her son being put to death. It must have been dreadful for her. So that is why we should pray to her for she understands everybody鈥檚 agony because she has been there and I think anybody who has been through it understands.
MUSIC/HYMN: When I survey the wondrous cross聽See from His head, His hands, His feet聽Sorrow and love flow mingled down聽Did ever such love and sorrow meet?聽Or thorns compose, so rich a crown
LEAHGood Friday to me 鈥� as a child 鈥� it was a day where I went to church and I heard the priest really go into detail about Christ鈥檚 wounds. I found it very difficult, very painful鈥�I longed for Easter Sunday so it was all over.Lucy: It鈥檚 a tough day鈥�.and tough to stay there at the cross. A couple of years ago in the church we were talking about Mary being at the foot of the cross and there was this book by Colm Toibin 鈥� 鈥楾he Testament of Mary鈥� 鈥� and the controversial thing he suggested was that Mary didn鈥檛 stay at the foot of the cross鈥�.Leah:鈥︹��of course she stayed鈥�.but if she left, then that鈥檚 understandable too. It could be so unbearable鈥︹��.I know that from seeing a person you probably love more than anyone鈥�.there鈥檚 a wanting to embrace but there鈥檚 also a wanting to run away, whichever she did was her love and the unbearableness of what had happened鈥�..the loss.聽MUSICJessye Norman聽Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, trembleWhere you there when they crucified my Lord?
LUCYJesus and Mary are within reach but totally out of reach of one another. 聽They are somehow together alone.
READING Mark 16When it was noon, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. At three o鈥檆lock Jesus cried out with a loud voice, 鈥楨loi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?鈥� which means, 鈥楳y God, my God, why have you forsaken me?鈥櫬燤USIC聽Christ & Evangelist singing this line from St Matthew Passion鈥︹��..聽SCOTT聽(Bach: 鈥楤e near me Lord when dying鈥� from St Matthew Passion)
I have had experiences of acute self-hatred and self-loathing鈥︹��now, that鈥檚 not all I am but I have experienced that a lot and that鈥檚 a hard thing to sit with because I know logically that I shouldn鈥檛 have that feeling. I shouldn鈥檛 feel that level of self-hatred and self-loathing. And that鈥檚 the kind of feeling you want to medicate out. So 鈥� I have a prayer life. I struggle with my prayer life. And I have periods when I pray and then periods when it鈥檚 just dry鈥︹��it鈥檚 not dry鈥�..I can鈥檛. I feel unable to pray. Unwilling to pray. Feeling locked out of prayer. And the last time my prayer life collapsed鈥�.things were building鈥�..and I went to pray and I was just experiencing this acute feeling of self-hatred and self-loathing鈥�.and as I went to pray, my prayer life is structured, I was unable to enter into the structure. And I just sat there and the voice said: 鈥淟et your distress be your prayer.鈥� And I sat there for 25 minutes and I just sat in distress. There was nothing I could do or say. For me, that鈥檚 a very Christian perspective 鈥� using your suffering and your distress as your prayer.

LUCYLeah, when you look at Jesus on the cross on Good Friday and he says 鈥淢y God why have you forsaken me?鈥� Do you recognise that prayer?
LEAH(Poulenc鈥檚 third Lenton motet)It鈥檚 so hard. It hurts. You鈥檝e given me something very, very hard. Yes I do recognise that prayer. Because yes 鈥� God had forsaken him鈥�he was allowed to die. He was allowed to suffer in the most horrendous way 鈥揑 want a happy ending. Which there was but not at that moment.
LUCY聽One of the things about Good Friday is that Jesus does look forsaken and alone 鈥� although that鈥檚 not a comforting picture 鈥� but faith does comfort us sometimes. But does it also help to know that God was lonely?
LEAH聽Yes. It means that when I talk to God, which sometimes I do in my head and sometimes I shout out as if God were deaf 鈥� I do at times feel very very strongly that I鈥檓 being heard and understood. And God is not going to say to me as very good friends do: 鈥極h, it鈥檒l all be alright鈥�. and Sophie wouldn鈥檛 want you to feel like this.鈥� There won鈥檛 be any of that stuff. I鈥檓 broken hearted鈥�..I am alone and I am lonely and I鈥檓 angry and sad鈥�.wishful and all those things鈥�.and I can just say it all and it鈥檚 heard. I do believe it鈥檚 heard.聽LUCYLetting our distress be our prayer and trusting that this prayer is heard by God is a huge challenge especially when it seems that God is far away. A Norwegian prayer asks God: 鈥淗old us through the age long minute when you are silent and the wind is shrill鈥�.
Time seems to stand still in Stevie Smith鈥檚 poem, as she describes the picture of a drowning man whose desperate calls for help are mistaken by others for enjoyment 鈥撀�
POEMNobody heard him, the dead man, 聽聽But still he lay moaning:I was much further out than you thought 聽聽And not waving but drowning.聽聽Poor chap, he always loved larkingAnd now he鈥檚 deadIt must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, 聽聽They said.聽聽Oh, no no no, it was too cold always 聽聽(Still the dead one lay moaning) 聽聽I was much too far out all my life 聽聽And not waving but drowning.聽
聽LUCY聽It鈥檚 not difficult to feel, even in a busy life that sometimes we are 鈥渕uch too far out鈥�. Our achievements can be mistaken by others for success when inside we might be struggling to stay afloat.
Loneliness can strike not just in the dark night of the soul but when the sun is high, at midday, when all seems to be as it should be. 聽Even when it seems to everyone else that your life looks great - after the birth of your first child for example, the isolation of being a first time Mum can be very tough to deal with 鈥� as Leah Heale explained when I met her 鈥� and seven month old Zak鈥�
LEAHHe was born at a quarter to nine in the morning鈥�he slept most of the day鈥�that鈥檚 what I expected and I thought: 鈥楪reat. Everything鈥檚 going to plan. He鈥檚 asleep.鈥� I decided to stay in the post natal ward that night just so that I could get breast feeding mastered. But he cried all night and I couldn鈥檛 work out the breast feeding part 鈥� it was very difficult. I just remember walking the halls like a ghost at 3am in the hope of getting him to sleep.Leah: 鈥�.it was a very lonely time that first night.聽Lucy: Was it hard to admit it?Leah: Yes. Because I didn鈥檛 want to let people down so soon. (laughs)I think I didn鈥檛 want to let myself down also. I didn鈥檛 want to admit to those feelings. I鈥檇 never felt lonely before really.And the overwhelming feeling of this new responsibility bearing down on me鈥�it wasn鈥檛 an amazing feeling, it was a really scarey feeling. I remember one day I went down to the promenade in Brighton because I thought: 鈥業f I stand there and see all the other mums with the pushchairs, I鈥檓 not going to feel like this anymore鈥� and it did help for a bit.Lucy: Even though you didn鈥檛 speak to them?Leah: No鈥�.just seeing them and thinking: 鈥業鈥檓 not the only one.鈥橪ucy: What you鈥檙e saying is that it鈥檚 very mixed and people always want you to accentuate the positive but it鈥檚 a whole maelstrom of things including loneliness.Leah: Yes exactly. (many baby noises from Zak)聽
LUCYSo maybe loneliness isn鈥檛 so much about the physical state of being alone, but the gap between the relationships we have and the relationships we want. And often our shame in not being able to express this loneliness to anyone else in case they think we鈥檙e a failure. The yearning we can feel is powerfully expressed in Antony and the Johnsons鈥檚 song about facing not only our own life but our own death鈥�..

MUSIC: ANTHONY AND THE JOHNSONSHope there's someone 聽聽Who'll take care of me 聽聽When I die, will I go 聽聽聽聽Hope there's someone 聽聽Who'll set my heart free 聽聽Nice to hold when I'm tired 聽聽聽聽There's a ghost on the horizon 聽聽When I go to bed 聽聽How can I fall asleep at night 聽聽How will I rest my head 聽聽聽聽Oh I'm scared of the middle place 聽聽Between light and nowhere 聽聽I don't want to be the one 聽聽Left in there, left in there 聽聽聽聽LUCYBut perhaps also relieving our loneliness isn鈥檛 always about being with other people, although that can help. The writer Jeanette Winterson has written that the opposite of loneliness isn鈥檛 company but 鈥渞eturn鈥�.聽
Remembering who we are inside, and knowing that person to be loved and accepted by God, can ease the loneliness we feel, whoever we鈥檙e with and whatever our circumstances.
The poet Derek Walcott died this year but this 鈥渞eturn鈥� seems to me to be here in his poem Love after Love
POEMThe time will come 聽when, with elation, 聽you will greet yourself arriving 聽at your own door, in your own mirror, 聽and each will smile at the other鈥檚 welcome, 聽and say, sit here. Eat. 聽You will love again the stranger who was your self. 聽Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 聽to itself, to the stranger who has loved youall your life, whom you ignored 聽for another, who knows you by heart. 聽Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,the photographs, the desperate notes, 聽peel your own image from the mirror. 聽Sit. Feast on your life.聽
LUCYSoon, Jesus will say that all is accomplished. He will give up his spirit to the God who breathed life into all that lives. He will return.
And for the people left behind?
The artist Mark Cazalet imagined in his Stations of the Cross for a convent in East London what Mary, the mother of Jesus, would have done on the evening of Good Friday. In her own grief and loneliness, the artist imagined that she went to visit someone she thought might understand: 聽Judas鈥檚 mother: 聽and he painted this picture. 聽Two women talking gently together about their terrible, terrible day. Two mothers whose sons had died in the story of the world鈥檚 salvation, returning to the truth of the matter, the horror - and the promise of beauty - in God鈥檚 Good Friday.
And so this afternoon, we leave them there, with a prayer that the loneliness each of us so readily feels, finds a home in the loneliness of Christ, and in finding a home there, is dissolved into love.
MUSICJessye Norman humming