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A laughable, laugh-free comedy drama, Uptown Girls is mercilessly mundane. 8 Mile's winsome Brittany Murphy manages to maintain her dignity (just) as an orphaned rich girl whose inheritance is swindled, meaning she must nanny a cynical sprog (Dakota Fanning) to earn her keep. But her charismatic cuteness does sometimes border on smackable, while Fanning is so movie-brat precocious you may wish against a happy ending.

Director Boaz Yakin made both the brilliant Fresh and expertly executed sports movie Remember The Titans (which made American Football appear - get this - exciting). But through a combination of ill-suited subject matter and reported studio interference (the film shows signs of hasty re-editing), he's come a depressing cropper here.

"SCHMALTZY, INSINCERE STORY"

The idea is that Murphy's spoilt socialite and Fanning's sour-faced kid teach each other life lessons, which run along the lines of "fundamentals are the building blocks of fun" and other such inanities. Murphy also falls for a wannabe rock star (Neighbours' Jesse Spencer, trying not to look embarrassed), a self-important prig who rejects her attempts to make him marketable ("I'm not a sell-out. I don't wear purple and I don't do hooks") before doing the bedroom lambada with Fanning's record exec mom (Heather Locklear).

Which might've proved an interesting angle if the makers were interested in people rather than trite statements, or would dwell on the hints of darkness in their schmaltzy, insincere story. As is, they settle for a sorry conclusion which betrays everything their lead has learned, topping a fairy tale of false emotion with a vomitous sing'n'swoon routine.

Twelve-year-old girls might wring some enjoyment out of Murphy's amiable mugging and the J17-style subject, but if you're part of a teenage target market, know this: you deserve better.