Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

It's the last day here at Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ Towers for most of the Ouch team, before we take off for our Christmas holidays - not that we stop thinking about disability over the festive season, you understand. Oh no. Even our seasonal TV viewing is centred around anything and everything related to or featuring wheelies, wobblers, blindies, deafies and every other possible impairment. (Though, if we're honest, we may be tempted into watching the Doctor Who Christmas Special, even if it includes none of the above.)

So that's why I'm sitting here with my double bumper extra special super duper bursting at the staples festive edition of the Radio Times (other listings magazines are available) and a pen, circling anything that might contain even the vaguest link to disability, all for your viewing pleasure. (Terrestrial channels only, so as not to leave out anyone who doesn't have a dish or a box or one of the other newfangled gizmos through which you can pick up 97 different shopping stations and repeats of 1980s situation comedies.)

Here goes, then ...

Casualty - Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ One, Saturday 20 December, 8.10pm & Saturday 27 December, 8.40pm - Featuring disabled actor as Luke Hamill as Adam Trueman's brother, Alex. He was a guest on our Christmas Podcast, you know - the interview's here for you to listen to again.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - ITV1, Christmas Eve, 4.50pm - The original version, starring Gene Wilder. May feature Oompa-Loompas, who are the ultimate people of restricted growth. We've written about them, too.

Scrooge - Five, Christmas Eve, 4.50pm - Otherwise known as A Christmas Carol. Otherwise known as that story with Tiny Tim in it. Ouch's version is better, of course, though this is the 1951 film featuring Alistair Sim as old Ebeneezer, and is by far the best in my ever so humble opinion.

A Christmas Carol - Channel 4, Christmas Eve, 6.45pm - In a great bit of scheduling, you can go straight from Scrooge on Five to this on C4. If you really want to. Which I don't. (It's the 1999 remake, with Patrick 'Star Trek' Stewart in the lead role.)

Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ One, Christmas Day, 4.30pm AND Wallace & Gromit in A Matter of Loaf and Death - Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ One, Christmas Day, 8.30pm - What? The famous plasticine animations feature disability? Really? Look, bear with me here, because I'm repeating a theory posed by Ouch's very own Gideon that Gromit (he's the dog) is in fact disabled. He has a speech impairment, you see. Because he never barks. Um, okay, whatever you say. Or rather don't say. Whatever.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol - Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ Two, Christmas Day, 7.00pm - Oh, good heavens. More Tiny Tim. But at least this one will be funny, and Rowan Atkinson will probably give the poor little urchin a scowl and a clip round the ear. Hurrah!

A Boy Called Alex - Channel 4, Christmas Day, 6.15pm - Finally! Some proper disability! What does the venerable RT tell us? "Alex Stobbs is a precociously gifted 16-year-old musician who also 'suffers' (their words, not mine) from a virulent form of cystic fibrosis." So it could be a bit, um, tragic. On the plus side, it might also feature some good classical music, if that's your thing. You can watch the original C4 trailer for this programme on .

EastEnders - Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ One, Christmas Day, 8.00pm & 9.00pm - So I can't entirely give the game away, and what we've read in the newspapers might be wrong, but if the rumours are correct then this year's Christmas visits to the Cockneys down Walford way may feature the return of an old character who is now a wheelchair user. I don't envy them trying to cope with the bumpy pavements in Albert Square, do you?

Nicholas Nickleby - Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ Two, Boxing Day, 5.55pm - I confess that I'm not very good on my knowledge of Charles Dickens, but this 2002 film adaptation of one of his books features the character of Smike, who - according to the always authoritative - "has deformed feet and is sickly". That'll do for me! In this version, he's played by young actor Jamie Bell, who previously danced his way across screen as Billy Elliott. Without deformed feet, presumably.

Daredevil - Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ One, Sunday 28 December, 11.35pm - If you're keeping a running total of impairments in these TV listings (What? You're not? Oh, never mind) then you'll notice that it's all been a bit, well, 'physical' so far. But fear not, because here comes a blind superhero, played by Ben Affleck. Your favourite disability website (that's us) had its finger on the pulse, of course, and reviewed the movie when it first came out in 2003.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Olympic Gold Medallist Special - ITV1, Monday 29 December, 9.00pm - Some top sportspeople sit opposite Chris Tarrant as he pauses for just a little too long, before asking them "Is that your final answer?" In this case, two of the contestants are Paralympic cyclist Darren Kenny and Paralympic swimmer Liz Johnson. Ooh, go crips, go crips!

Britain's Weirdest Phobias - ITV1, Tuesday 30 December, 8.00pm - I put this one to the vote in the Ouch office. "Is this disability-related? Is it? Is it?" The resounding answer was "no". But hey, this is my blog post and I don't care. Surely a woman who is "so terrified of knees that she even flinches at the word 'kneecap'" counts as disabled, doesn't she? Try putting that on your DLA form next year, I dare you.

Celebrity Big Brother: Live Launch - Channel 4, Friday 2 January, 9.00pm - After Mikey and Darnell in the non-celeb version, could we be in for some disability in this year's celebrity version? Rumours are rife. I heard talk of egghead Professor Stephen Hawking turning up, but somehow that seems unlikely. Surely no one would bet against Disability Bitch's favourite, Heather Mills, making an appearance, would they? Currently, however, the most probable bet for BB incarceration and humiliation looks like being short actor Verne Troyer, who plays Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies, as Damon revealed in this blog entry.

Blink - Five, Friday 2 January, 10.00pm - Last, and very probably least, round off your festive disability viewing by catching this 1994 movie thriller starring Madeline Stowe as a woman who has been blind since childhood, but receives a corneal graft to restore her sight. Her vision improves very slowly, and that means she cannot register what she has seen until a few days after she's seen it. Which is a bit of a thorny issue when you're the only witness to a murder. Gosh, sounds like an edge of the seat and snaffling popcorn job - well, unless there are twelve disabled celebs in a Big Brother cripfest over on Channel 4, in which case you'll probably want to give it a miss.

And that's yer lot. Not exactly the most golden line-up for disability-related TV fare this Christmas, but that's probably a good thing, as it'll allow the Ouch team to go off and watch the Strictly Come Dancing final, the return of The Royle Family, and Gavin & Stacey all without experiencing even the tiniest pang of guilt.

Whatever you're doing this festive season, have a good one, and don't spend all your Β£10 bonus on eggnog and mince pies. Happy Christmas!