ΒιΆΉΤΌΕΔ

I don't know if I can really help. But I think I do know what you mean by needing "inspiration."

I grew up with attention deficit disorder, though I didn't know it at the time. I wasn't diagnosed until age 26, duiring my first semester in graduate school and after five years of working as a writer. Back when I was a teenager, all I really knew was that staying organized, keeping track of all my things and managing my time well and staying focused on my work when it was time to complete assignments for school were all huge, overwhelming tasks.

I did meet all my deadlines for school so I still got good grades. But, one, I met these deadlines BECAUSE I had these deadlines: deadlines are one of the few things that succeed in helping me get focused and get things done. And, two, even then, I often completed assignments in part by pulling long hours and late hours. Some of that was because I had so much struggle just NOT daydreaming when it was time to work.

But the message I kept hearing when I was growing up was how critical it was for any good student -- or, indeed, for ANY successful person in ANY field or profession (though some more than others) -- to be WELL ORGANIZED. And focus well. And keep track of their things and manage their time wisely. I never, never heard the message that a person with zero innate ability to Just. Be. Organized. And. Just. FOCUS. Could still succeed in life if they just worked around their weaknesses by ____ (insert accommodation here). I just heard; Be organized. And the unarticulated subtext to that was, "Or you will fail."

And I remember I started to be conscious of all this during my teen years. There was one day in particular, I think in chem class, when all of this consolidated for me: that the message I always heard was "Be organized" but never with a suggestion what to do if you just COULDN'T.

As it happened the teacher was talking about how, in his own student days, he always took his notes home then copied them over again, in part to get them down more neatly and in part to reinforce all the material. And I was sitting there thinking how overwhelming it was just to get all my assignments done on time even just doing the bare minimum that I needed to do to satisfy project requirements. And thinking how inadequate I already felt that it was so hard to do something that the adults around me seemed to think ought to be so easy for someone as smart as I was. And now I was sitting there hearing how, if I were truly organized like a good smart student like me ought to be, then not only should I be meeting the bare minimum I needed to do to get my assignments done but I should also be copying over all my notes from the day each night. Which made me feel even more inadequate and scared for my future. Because the teacher was saying all this as part of a wider lecture on why being organized in general is so important for life. And I remember really wishing I could meet, or even at least HEAR ABOUT, just one person like me who had similar problems staying focused and getting themselves organized who still found some way to succeed in life.

What I wanted was to meet, or at least hear about, someone with attention deficit disorder who was still successful in life. But as I didn't know I had ADD back then, I didn't know that was the diagnostic label I was looking for. All I knew was, I desperately wanted some role model who reminded me of me, someone I could look up to and just know that I would be okay. If I could have gotten specific tips on how to compenstate for the fact that organizational skills, and the ability to stay focused for me would just point blank never be innate, that they would always be something overwhelming that I'd have to work at all my life--yes, that was part of what I was looking for and that would have been stupendous if I could have found it. But what I wanted most was just to see someone like me out there and know that it really was possible to be like that and still find a way to just ... go on.

For that type of inspiration I tend to look at people I know living ordinary lives despite the barriers they come up against.

I don't see the point in climbing a mountain or running across a country. I have more admiration for those who can devote their precious energy, pain tolerance, time remaining on this earth, whatever, to their own lives, their own families, their own communities. That's the stuff I think is admirable.

No disrespect intended to all those mountain-climbers, they just don't make me excited is all.

Having lived through the gradual - and occasionally dramatic, sudden and irretrievable - deterioration in my own condition, I'm not convinced the answer lies with being able to get up.

This may be, of course, because I have the sort of condition which makes ploughing on regardless downright dangerous, so getting up isn't an option for me.

However, what I can say is that the first time is the worst.

It may not feel like it at the moment, but you have developed enviable levels of skill in dealing with physical setbacks: you will come to terms with the new state in which you find yourself once your current crisis has settled. You will do this because you have done it before, and your mind therefore knows what to do.

I have found that the best thing (for me) to do is often to try to distract myself from the evidence of my body's further deterioration into terminal decrepitude because I have learned that my subconscious can do the coming to terms bit without me needing to play an active part in the process.

When the pain is too severe for me to do that, I have two oft-repeated mantras:-

"This too shall pass" -apparently a Chinese proverb. Better, in my opinion, than the Western, "time heals all ills". Because time clearly does nothing of the sort. But the immediate and current agony and despair do pass.

And,

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger".

When I was a child, my father used often to dismiss people's problems by saying, "Ah, well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

I thought that was the most appalling nonsense, and downright cruel.

But I have learned over the last sixteen years of pain that it is - for me at least - true.

Sometimes it is all you can do to simply endure. Sometimes expecting yourself to get up is putting unreasonable demands on yourself. Sometimes the absolute most you can do is to ride out the crisis and emerge as yourself at the other side. And then you can get up.

I wish you well, and I have great faith in your capacity to put two fingers up at the world and at your impairment.

Ironic. Elizabeth ... you're one of the people who inspires me.

Horaay, no pitchfork and burning torches....yet.

Andrea: I am really glad you wrote this all out - I found it an experience I could understand, and I think a lot of people will too.

Mary: I had a mountain climbing thing, but then I got to the top of a few mountains and went "That's it?" Simply living day to day deliberately seemed a lot harder. Which is why I like people like Lars Von Trier who has more phobias than probably anyone, yet somehow manages to actually make films (even if he has to take a canoe with him to rock in).

Lady Bracknell: I sort of meant a metaphorical "get up" not standing ala Rocky or planting the flag on a mountain. I just feel that if what I am planning isn't outraging PT's or OT's or doctors then I probably am being too soft on myself.

I appreciate your faith in my ability to um, have a consistant life view - I always said in Church that my spiritual gift was a sardonic viewpoint. I do however think that what doesn't kill me often leaves really interesting scars and ability to tell when the weather is about to change.

Rachelcreative: Back at you! You actually make art, while I just sort of moan online - admittedly a very practiced type of moaning. I really like the "Bad hair day" and "Awake in Bed" pictures.

I think the danger comes when either a non-disabled person claims a Disabled person is "inspirational" simply for doing what the non-disabled person would find commonplace, or when Disabled people are made to feel that they must perform some outlandish physical feat to be considered worthy by non-disabled people. The Disabled people who inspire me are those who have spent their time and effort working for the emancipation of other Disabled people - often at times when it was considered unfashionable or dangerous to society.

Consider the torch lit!

Thank you Elizabeth, for the second paragraph in your blog which acknowledges the achievements of a person with depression. It's the small victories that often go unnoticed by 'mainstream' - the things that are taken for granted as 'well, you should be able to do *that*, shouldn't you!'

That paragraph has - encouraged me, and affirmed me as well. Thanks again.

Chris Page - Thank you for explaining that to me, it makes perfect sense. Cheers!

Tigerwarriorprincess: I think of people who fight major depression, unidepression or Bipolar II as the great warriors because they recieve no praise and yet continue to fight, often while undervalued by those around them.