Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

During the summer, Ouch published the diary of Simon Minty, who was part of the Abnormally Funny People show playing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. On TV from this weekend, you can see what 'went down' up there.

The fast-paced documentary follows Minty as he puts together the acts, goes through rehearsals and the 29 nights at one of the world's greatest festivals.

Comedians include: Liz Carr, a sharp-witted stand-up virgin; Steve Day, probably Britain's only deaf comedian, who's been on the comedy circuit for 7 years; Chris McCausland, a blind Scouse comic who's given up his job in telesales to join the show; Tanyalee Davis, a sassy, fast-paced Las Vegas based comic, and finally the token able-bodied guy Steve Best, a veteran stand-up of five Edinburgh Fringes and co-producer of the show along with Simon.

Be sure to tune in to Sky 2 on Saturday 3 December at 11.00pm, Sky 3 on Thursday 15 December at 10,00pm and The Community Channel on Friday 23 December at 10.00pm.

Ιω Look out for Liz Carr, who is beginning a stint as an Ouch columnist from 12 December.

The tragically blind, former DWP minister, David Blunkett, is to be a guest editor of Radio 4's Today programme for a day.

The agenda-setting breakfast programme ordinarily sees politicians centre stage being grilled by the presenters, but this is a chance for one politician to dictate what goes on air.

David Blunkett said: "Editing the Today programme is something that I'm sure most listeners (and I am very much a listener now!) would want to have a go at."

During the Christmas period, we will hear the tables turned as Blunkett plays interviewer to regular host John Humphrys - feared by many politicians for his razor sharp questioning style. Blunkett is said to be keen to push him on the state of journalism and hopes his stint as editor will prove entertaining.

He goes on to say: "I'm particularly keen to reflect a better social and geographical spread, without alienating the traditional audience."

In-ter-esting. Crippled Monkey is sure that disabled people will be tuning in between Christmas and New Year to find out whether this 'social spread' includes fellow disableds, as he has previously found it a little difficult to ally himself with this particular societal grouping - one that you might expect him to be naturally appreciative of.

Let's remind ourselves of what the Blunkmeister said when a Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ journalist asked him if he identified himself as being disabled:

Ιω Listen to clip of Blunkett weazeling out of saying that he's disabled

"I identify myself as me. And I have all the obstacles, all the barriers to overcome, that other people who have no sight have. My challenge has been to do that in a way that enables people to forget that I can't see and to judge my performance as a politician, and my behaviour as a human being, on the same grounds as they do other people."

(Sorry Dave, we're forever dragging this up innit. We don't even particularly care either, that's the interesting thing)

UPDATE: It has just been confirmed that David Blunkett's guest editorship will be on December 30.

If you're deaf or hearing impaired, and keen on desirable items of consumer electronics - mmm, shiny! - then you may like to know that the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ NEWS 24 technology lifestyle programme (also shown on Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ ONE and Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ TWO) is running a five-week trial of online subtitles for the video stream of the show on its website, as part of an accessibility project. It's the first time that the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ has done a structured trial like this, asking directly for feedback from the audience. It's also a new technology, and if it's deemed successful then online subtitles will be rolled out to lots of other programmes in the future.

You can find the link to the video stream on the Click Online , where there's also more about the subtitles trial and the form to send in your comments. Plus, you can find out about the background to the whole project in from the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ News website's disability correspondent, Geoff Adams-Spink.

But most of all, get over to the Click Online site, watch the subtitles in action, and tell them what you think!

The Gateshead Housing Company has been awarded the Disability ("Two Ticks") Symbol by Jobcentre Plus. Now, this wouldn't ordinarily count as earth-shattering news in the Bracknell household. After all, any employer who can demonstrate that they are committed to the employment, retention, training and career development of disabled people can apply to their local Disability Employment Adviser to be considered for the symbol. The five commitments they have to sign up to are listed here: . Jobcentre Plus staff are falling over themselves to award as many of these symbols as possible. And, frankly, anyone who's ever attempted to exercise their right to a guaranteed interview under Two Ticks is likely to be more than a little cynical about just how rigorously some employers' commitment to the, um, commitments was checked.

Anyway, all pretty run of the mill stuff, right? Well, not according to this article - - in which the Disability Symbol is variously described as a "top award" and a "major employment prize". Erm, isn't a prize something you're given after you've beaten at least one other contestant? Lady Bracknell is, quite frankly, baffled . . .

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Read this first: OK, I need to begin this entry with a very strong WARNING. See, I've put it in bold capital letters to show you how serious it is. In this blog entry, there's a link to a story in Monday's edition of The Guardian which, for reasons that will become clear, contains a lot of rude words. A lot of them. If you find that kind of thing offensive, or if you're too young to be reading such strong language, please don't click on the link. Got that? Good. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Right then . . .

Ofcom, the regulator for broadcasting and communications, recently released a report entitled . This research looked at what viewers and listeners considered to be offensive language, and the relative strength of a number of supposedly taboo words depending on how people responded to them. Categories included religious words, body parts/body functions, sexual orientation, ethnic words and so on . . . plus, of course, offensive words relating to 'people with disabilities'.

It's this long list of terms that The Guardian summarised in Monday's paper under the title . That's the link, right there, but remember what I said above about clicking it. It's not for the saintly or squeamish.

From the list of disability words, here are some that caught my eye, together with a few brief lines about what the Great British Public thought of them:

Mong: Several haven't heard of this word - polarising - many say is inoffensive, but after discussion see that it could be offensive in the way that 'retard' is.

Retard: Quite polarising: offensive because of it effectively refers to a disability, but many do not see this as an issue. A few do, however; for one it is the new 'spastic'; others find it really objectionable.

Spastic: Recognised as very offensive to most people, though a few think it is okay to use the word 'spas' or spaz.

Here at Ouch we know all about offensive disability words, having conducted the poll to end all polls on the matter a couple of years ago in our Worst Word Vote - where 'retard' came out in pole position, closely followed by 'spastic'. We note that the Ofcom report couldn't, however, find a place for 'window-licker'. Must try harder next time, chaps.

Of course, what would be really interesting to know is how many of the people surveyed by Ofcom were disabled themselves. As our own poll discovered, words like 'brave', 'wheelchair-bound' and 'special' caused us far more upset than they did for the non-disabled. So can we have a breakdown of the research please, Ofcom?

So Tim Burton - director of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Night Before Christmas and other fantastical movies - might have . If Crippled Monkey were horribly cynical (which, of course, I'm not), I'd note that Mr Burton has now joined the long line of people who are quickly being diagnosed with AS or autism these days - a subject that our columnist Tom Shakespeare also wrote about a few months back, stoking up a great deal of controversy on our messageboard in the process.

But back to Tim Burton. How did this expert diagnosis come about, I hear you ask. Well, it's all down to his partner, Brit actress Helena Bonham Carter. She just been making a Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ TWO film called Magnificent 7, which is "inspired by real life supermum Jacqui Jackson and her extraordinary children", who featured in the Ouch-supported documentary My Family and Autism back in 2003. Having played Jacqui, it would appear that Helena now sees herself as some kind of expert on people on the autistic spectrum.

Helena's diagnosis is based on the fact that Tim Burton is highly intelligent but lacks social skills. Hmm. She goes on to say: "Tim will kill me, but while making this drama I realised he actually has a bit of Asperger's in him. You start recognising the signs . . . We were watching a documentary about autism and he said that's how he felt as a child. Autistic people have application and dedication. You can say something to Tim when he's working and he doesn't hear you."

Right. Well, there you go. That proves it, then. Er.

In the immediate wake of the latest Children in Need extravaganza (the ethics of which have led to some decidely heated debate on the Ouch! Talk messageboard), now seems as good a time as any to report on what happened when a group of disability activists in Chicago heckled American comedian Jerry Lewis on his tour to promote his book, Dean and Me - a love story.

Jerry Lewis is a veteran presenter of telethons to raise money for the (MDA). But comments such as, "Pity? [If] you don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair, stay in ya house!" - - have not exactly endeared him to disabled people in the US.

Lewis wrote a magazine article in 1990, entitled "What If I Had Muscular Dystrophy?", in which he described a wheelchair as: "that chair, that steel imprisonment that long has been deemed the dystrophic child's plight". The content of this article was deemed so offensive by many of the people whom the MDA supports that they formed a protest group, calling themselves .

Members of Jerry's Orphans were amongst the group of disability activists who turned up at the lecture in the Harold Washington Library, Chicago, last week, and accused Lewis of demeaning them with pity during his telethons. It seems that Lewis's response to this heckling was, erm, somewhat heated. describes what happened next as "the legendary comedian's apparent meltdown".

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The Ouch office jury is still out on whether this particular piece of has any practical function, or indeed aesthetic merrit, for visually impaired people. Let us know what you think in the comments.

Our good friends, are supporting two very worthwhile causes at the moment. Not only are they asking you to by, would you believe, buying their wristband - but they are also continuing to campaign tirelessly for improved disabled access to live music.

Attitude are holding an event in the Carling Bar in Islington, London, on 30 November between 7.00pm and 11.00pm. Admission is just Β£5. You can find out more information by emailing attitude@artsline.org.uk.

Ouch's very own Flash Wilson sent Crippled Monkey this story from the latest edition of the always disgracefully cheeky , concerning a notorious heavy metal band:

"Last week, Twisted Sister performed in Brighton. During the show, frontman Dee Snider gives a shout-out to the crowd, saying 'The balcony is where all the REAL sick (VERY rude word edited out by Ouch) are. They can't even stand up by show time. Let's have the house lights up to see them!'

The house lights are raised . . . and the band and audience find themselves looking back at the disabled section of the crowd, full of fans in wheelchairs."

Less "phew, rock 'n' roll!" and more "oops, rock 'n' roll!" then.

Buried within the pages of the Free Market News Network site from the USA, comes this truly shocking, horrifying story: . Yes, you did read that right.

While it's important to note that this hasn't yet happened, it seems that the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is looking to change the rules by which human beings can be used for testing pesticides and various chemicals. These new rulings, it is said, contain huge loopholes that would allow chemical scientists from the government or from industry to use orphans or children with learning disabilities as human guinea pigs. A statement from the Organic Consumers Association (OCA), the body that has drawn the public's attention to these loopholes, reads:

"Children who 'cannot be reasonably consulted', such as those that are mentally handicapped or orphaned newborns may be tested on. With permission from the institution or guardian in charge of the individual, the child may be exposed to chemicals for the sake of research."

"Cannot be reasonably consulted" - now there's one hell of a scary phrase.

Currently, this is a story that doesn't seem to have gone any further than the Free Market News Network, but have you heard anything else about it - particularly if you're in America? Or is it going unnoticed by the general public? We've all heard about gaps in the law that potentially allow such worrying things to happen - let's hope that this one is jumped upon and closed via much greater clarification in the law, and that it's done as soon as possible, before any of these rulings become awful reality.

Crippled Monkey, being a big fan of news stories featuring disabled animals, is going to be beside his little simian self with excitement when he sees this: . Not only is Samuri the Akita blind, but he's now a local hero as well. Without Samuri's insistence that his owners go out and help their neighbour (who, just to add a further disability gloss to this story, has lupus), she would have died.

But there's more disabled doggery! is a Jack Russell/Chihuahua cross. He hasn't got any front legs. But the nice people at the Lamar Animal Sanctuary Team are sending him to Colorado to see whether he can be fitted with prosthetics. And, if that doesn't work, he'll be given a little cart. Cute as a very cute thing.

And as if all that isn't enough, there's also a story about a prosthetic centre in Michigan that's making a new artificial leg for a four-month old puppy called (hmm, could that be some sort of dreadful pun?).

(Yes, it's true, I've got this lovely warm feeling and a silly, stupid grin on my face after reading that selection of heartwarming disabled doggy stories. Aw, bless! - Crippled Monkey)

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Lady Bracknell admits that, before she read this story - - she was blissfully ignorant of the fact that those folded up leaflets in tiny weeny print which are always tucked into boxes of tablets are known in the trade as patient information leaflets (PILs). Over the next five years, the information in all 25,000 PILs must be made available in alternate formats on request. X-PIL is a new service for pharmacists which offers the leaflets in Braille, large print, CD-Rom, etc. Next year, the service will expand to include a website from which PILs will be available for download in various formats, including audio. (It would appear that the 'x' in X-PIL stands for "accessible". Which demonstrates a rather novel approach to spelling . . .)

Lady Bracknell will be going to pick up her many and various prescription meds before the week is out, and she intends to print the article out for her pharmacist just in case the news hasn't reached him yet.

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In Los Angeles, a job-seeking program called Operation Confidence is sprucing up its disabled clients before sending them for job interviews. Only trouble is that all this beautifying takes place in a salon called The Magic Comb. With a name like that, I worry that not only the combs, but also the scissors, brushes and everything else make take on a life of their own.

It's an interesting concept, though, and the article is worth a read, even though the headline might make you pause for a moment and wonder: .

What would you do if a stranger came to your door of a dark and gloomy evening, and asked you to sign for a box of chocolates? Ambrosine St Clair Fretwell put pen to paper, and in doing so she signed away her Β£130,000 house for a mere 5 grand. Ambrosine is visually impaired and 87 years old - but in the book of Crippled Monkey that is no excuse. Read the truth for yourself in !

If Lady Bracknell were in a position to give an award for the week's most sickly sweet international news item about crips triumphing over tragedy,
would definitely be a contender.

It's an account from Tara Pipia who was a spectator at the New York marathon, and who found herself unexpectedly moved to rapturous applause by the disabled (sorry, "amazing disadvantaged") competitors who were, of course, all "brave". Even the ones who had "seemingly no disability", but who must have been brave because they were wearing special red t-shirts as "testimony to their disadvantage". (You couldn't make this stuff up.)

Now, Lady Bracknell couldn't run a marathon to save her life. She can't even run for the bus. But if she were a vision of athleticism, she would very much prefer to be treated equally than to be referred to as "an elite in her own way". Because, strangely, she would consider that sort of attitude to be just the teensiest bit patronising.

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is a monthly column on the website of the Canadian National broadcaster, CBC.

Three disabled writers contribute on a rolling basis. Ed Smith has quadriplegia; Helena Katz has a visual impairment; and Anna Quon describes herself as a "mental health consumer". All three have contributed articles which are well-researched and thought-provoking whilst remaining eminently readable. This is not, by any means, just crips kicking off randomly.

Having read all the columns, Lady Bracknell has particularly singled out for your reading pleasure: Ed Smith's, ; Helena Katz's, ; and Anna Quon's .

Please do click on these links. You'll be missing out if you don't.

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It's Guide Dog Day on Ouch's weblog! Well, OK, that's not strictly true - it's more the case that a couple of guide dog stories landed in my lap, and in typical Crippled Monkey journalistic styleee that was enough to make me decide to call it Guide Dog Day. Look, it's Friday, and it's been a long week . . . OK?

First up, if you're a guide dog user thinking of trying your luck on the hideously inaccessible Underground network, be careful that you don't get stopped on the suspicion of being accompanied by a bomb dog - or, if you prefer, the world's first . That's what happened to Lynn Zelvin and her German Shepherd dog Kona on the New York subway. Be careful out there, folks: your fluffy mobility aid could be viewed as a potential security risk. Blimey, whatever next?

And now to possibly the most famous guide dog user in the country - yes, it's the man who's had more resignations than you've had hot dinners, David Blunkett! Now, I will confess to getting unreasonably excited this morning when it appeared that the Blunkmeister had given his first post-resignation interview to - "the UK's leading lifestyle magazine for dog lovers". Sadly, however, checking the small print at the top of the article revealed that it was actually a rerun from 2002, when Blunkett was still accompanied by the lovely Lucy. Still, that didn't stop the magazine from being everso cheeky in light of more recent events and giving the piece the following title: . Arf. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.

Fingers crossed (which is making typing a bit tricky) that Crippled Monkey's long tradition of including stories about animals will be sufficient to over-ride the fact that Leah, the gorilla in this , isn't, strictly speaking, disabled.

Apparently, unlike chimpanzees and orang utans, no wild gorilla (readers of a certain age may insert their own Not The Nine O'Clock News joke here) had ever been seen to use a tool before Leah was observed using a branch as a walking stick to aid her balance when she crossed a swampy pool.

Fortunately, Thomas Breuer of the Wildlife Conservation Society was there to capture this flirtation with a mobility aid on film. . (That's brought a tear to my eye, Lady B - Crippled Monkey)

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There's been a bit of a furore in the press in the States over the contents of an which was issued to Wal-Mart's board of directors. You are probably aware that medical treatment in the US isn't provided for free like it is (or like it's supposed to be) over here. Apparently, one of the perks you get if you work for Wal-Mart is a health benefits package. Unfortunately, however, some of the staff have been getting ill and have actually been using the benefits package, and this is all getting a bit expensive for the company. What's really troubling the directors is that it's the least healthy - and, therefore, the most potentially expensive - members of staff who are most appreciative of the benefits package and who are therefore interested in long-term careers with the company.

The solution? Attract a healthier workforce. How? Well, one of the suggestions is to "design all jobs to include some physical activity". This, they reckon, would "dissuade unhealthy people from coming to work at Wal-Mart".

There are many issues here which concern me, but I'll stick to two.

Firstly, although I'm well aware that a great many disabled people are perfectly fit and healthy and never need to take time off work for reasons relating to their impairments, I'm not one of them. I know that sickness absence is costly to employers and I agree that everything possible should be done to minimise it. But employers need to look at just what proportion of employees' illness is linked to the working practices which are imposed on them. Not just make a unilateral decision to ditch people with health problems.

Secondly, designing all the jobs to include some physical activity isn't just going to dissuade unhealthy people from applying to work at Wal-Mart. It's also going to discriminate against disabled applicants who, for whatever reason, can't go and collect all the vagrant shopping trolleys which lurk in the farthest reaches of the car park.

For an amusing spoof application form for a job at the wonderful Wal-Mart, look no further than the .

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Is it just me, or have the Sky Movies channels suddenly started to get lots of good and current films with audio description?

If you have a satellite reciever on your telly, and subscribe to all the premium movie channels from Sky, this week you'll be able to enjoy: 13 Going On 30, Around the World in 80 Days, Shaun of the Dead, Elf, Two Weeks Notice, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Troy, and even old favourite Shirley Valentine.

If you don't know yet, Audio Description is an extra bit of narration that accompanies the original soundtrack of a TV show or film and explains some of the visual stuff for people who can't see it. It can make a big difference.

More info

Ιω For more on audio description generally look at Ouch's guide to Audio Description.

Ιω is a great website with TV listings of audio described shows on Sky and Freeview.

Happy viewing.