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i was at london bridge yesterday, looking cool in my new clothes, when a pigeon decided to poo all over my face from a great height and it went in my mouth, all over my eyes and my clothes... obviously being in london no one would help me after i had a panic attack.
i think that something should be done about these dam things i have never felt so sick in my life.

everyone says how lucky i am that it pood on me what the hell lol

our neighbours tree overhangs our back garden and the canopy is quite dense dave and if i did have sky it would block out our signal but i aint so lar lar lar

Ducks are ok to feed, as are swans. Pigeons on the other hand are just rats with wings, we should make it a national sport to hunt them with prizes going out to those who kill the most.

like your blog dave psst join www.vidilife.com i did and who the feck did i meet miss page 3 herself keeley from kent and omg we email each other regular she,s a sweety take care you and the team enjoy the show driving to work

If we are going to hate ducks and pigeons then i suggest we all gang up on seagulls as well as they are equally vile creatures. my mum saw one eat a whole potato skin off a plate in a pub garden the other day... they are greedy beggars!

I actually love this man. Wheat intolerant ducks. !!!

I hate pigeons, they are flying rats, smash em all with hammers

I personally like pigeons they're cool, walking about and stuff...if you wanna hear about wierd bird stuff you shout read Birdy by William Wharton, strangeness. BTW your hanging baskets look awful, I see you did a great job at watering them. Keep up the good work.

Dave, when you use the deep-voice-thingy to do your various impressions you really digress into something like Alan Partridge. Tedious link to Pidgeons, which people feed in Trafalgar Square and it's quite a bizarre experience to be covered in them... one I had when I made the mistake of trying to eat my sandwhiches amongst them BUT... I managed to escape unscathed, IE no bird muck... now THAT'S amazing.

Hey Dave,

Just thought i'd let you know that i am absolutely scared of pigeons. I hate them..... run away from them everytime there scattered about the town!! So really i dont see why anyone can stand around all day and feed them !!

Luv ya
xxxxx

I like pigeons, I've always felt sorry for them. They always look so scared and nervey.

When I stayed in Bristel for a while a pigeon which was called Harry used to come visit me and my thankyou for his thrilling conversation was stale bread! which he loved.
I'm back in Norwich now and havent seen my friend Harry for a few years so if anyones sees him tell my feather friend I say hi.

Don't water the plants they'll die soon anyway.

Matilda x

I knew you were called Comedy Dave for a reason. Why aren't YOU writing a book? Or did you really write Chris's?!

Did u know that if you somehow feed pidgeons bicarbonate of soda they explode! Although i have never tried this before im reassured by a friend that it works. Is this illegal??

pigeons are definatley vermin!once i saw this t.v programm,the lice on the pigeons nest dropped througha window and straight into a babys cott!!!errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Out of all those pigeon racers who do you recon wins, I recon the pigeon. And those pidgeon fanciers, perverts, keep it in your pants.

Great blog, Dave! It amazes me that, despite your relatively sedate tone, your blogs consistently keep me extremely amused! So I thought I'd comment to let you know as, frankly, I have nothing better to do.

My friend's father keeps lots of pigeons in a big shed and races them. I personally don't see the point and would also like to know how they know exactly where to return, especially the first time they fly off. Perhaps this could be the subject of an obscure Animal Planet documentary...

Heather x

I think that feeding the birds has got to be a tourist thing, they all 'flock' to see the pigeons and feed them with the seed that costs an earth to buy!
Why on earth do people want flapping birds to come near them? Wouldn't want to excite them too much or might just get a nasty surprise such as poop ala bird!
Good Luck with the Great North run, think you must be mad!

Kat :-) Xx

Feather Fiend Feeding is a topic I have pondered for many an hour.

Consider the possibility of no 'freakish feeders':

- Would the bird and duck communities in park areas suffer and be forced to migrate?

- Would the 'bird seed' industry be forced to diversiy into new markets with the possibility of job losses?

- Would the scraps of Mighty White (left in our bins instead of some ugly ducklings mouth) be further incentive for local foxes and squirells to attack our waste containers?

- Would young children fail to grow up with a mentality of 'giving back to the community' and the ASBO count continue to rise?

Dave, whilst your points were on the surface valid, "Feather Fiend Feeding" is a fundamental to nuturing a rounded, healthy local borough.

Lets get ready to raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamble!

Hey Dave, all i will say on the subject is i hate pigeons always have and always will. Ever since i can remember pigeons seem to aim for my head, so now when i'm walking down the street and i see pigeons i try to dodge them..... THEY'RE SCAREY!

Loving the blog, love Linz in Manchesterrrr!! xx

Ducks are better than swans, if you feed swans bread they get diarrhoea and poo green slime.

Dave, you do not look like i expected you to at all! Very different!

You really are pure funny, you know that funny that makes me smile on my way to work which I hate!

Some day Dave I am so going to call the show to have a wee chat. Maybe about pigeons, or maybe about the fact that celebrity tarzan is too hard! We'll see what happens, alright then take care xo

Hi Dave,

You have a very valid point here (people feeding flying vermin must be crazy!) and being from Cornwall and having a Hunter for a dad, i unfortunately have been eating pigeon and duck ever since i can remember!! (amongst other wierd and wonderful things that he shoots!)Maybe i should send him up to you, to try and eliminate the problem...ha ha!!

Keep Bloggin'

Debs
xxx

Aw Dave, I don't know why yr not a top government advisor, wheat intolerance must affect ducks and I don't know how Blair's missed such a pressing issue. Sorry to hear about the break up. I think the best thing to do about that is to just cut your losses lad, and marry me. Love Helen

hi dave,
sorry to hear about you spliting with your misses! are now seeing joels ex? is that why they split up? naughty dave!! are you now living in that dj loser ville with joel?

You got a divorce. Your just a statistic now. Never mind ey? Your my favourite statistic. Thatll do davey thatll do.

Dave,

It's important to that we feed ducks bread especially in urban environments. Ducks who do not live on river banks do not feed on Common reed (Phragmites australis). This leaves them with a wheat deficit leading to them having a low amount of starch in there bodies. Ducks store starch in there ear cavities as it stops water getting in them when they dive for food.

Hi Dave

If you get chance to read this i really need some advice.

I am also running in this years Great North Run as its my first I am so worried about being fit enough and also finishing.

I am running 5 times a week for about 1 hr 15 mins one day and then 45 mins the next is this enough ?

I cover about 8 miles in 1hr 15.

Look forward to your advice and good luck oh yeah what colour is your number mine is orange x

aww, missed the show this morning - what's happened with Dave and his missus? Poor love!

I'm here for you Dave!

You Can see all of the Cris Myles gang on this site!

www.honeyparty.com

Hi Dave,

you shouldn't have told anyone about your marriage break up; it's none of our business.
I too hate the dreaded pigeons, I have done since seeing Mary Poppins as a child and getting nightmares about the mad old bird woman sitting on the stairs of St Paul's Cathedral
They are not only flying vermin, but they also attract rats (which I also have nightmares about after reading the rats trilogy of books by James Herbert)!

Rid the world of pigeons, seagulls and rats.
Love the show, it sets me up for the day.
Good luck in the Great North Run.

Lesley, Glasgow. xxx

So sorry about the divorce Dave. :( I'm glad you're happy again now - but i've been thinking for a few months now you might of split. :(

I remember so well hearing the show where you announced you'd got engaged - i was lying on the beach and it was your first show back from holiday. Aaah well..as long as you're happy again now :)

Dave a have a tip for you with regards to the watering of the hanging baskets! My dad is a garnder he usually get's a chair to stand on! He doesnt agree with watering cans (dont ask me why) he uses old milk bottles full of water! about 2 in total that should do the job nicely! Hope this tip is of use to you.........And if the baskets die you havent used enough water!!!!

Angharad xoxoxoxox

Nice blog dave.
I am with you on the wheat intolerance of ducks. Who else is going to raise these issues. Most people just laugh when you do, which is a shame as these problems do exist. I had a goldfish once that had H2o hypersensitivity (water intolerance), but sadly it took its own life. Shows how serious these problems can get when not challenged.
Spread the word and feel you are making a difference.
Nice basket.
Ian

Good stuff Dave :) funnny, insightful and post-modern :)

What's the tongue-in-cheek smilie?

KUTGW folks

:D

Hi Dave!!

Aww Your so nice and sweet but you do say some wierd things! But I Love you! Like most people!!

All My Love, Keep entertaining the world:P

Love Amy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i agree dave! i hate pigeons! weird things

Dave - I never thought this particular slice of information would be anywhere near useful, but there you go. My wife was bought a terrifying looking device that's specific function is to water hanging baskets.

It's like some sort of twisted, mutant watering can. I think it came from Wilkinsons or somewhere. It was lurking in the garage last time I looked. She's never used it...

Dave,

just like your maths - useless!!

You need the local "fanciers" in parks etc. as they carry out a public service! If the pidgeons don't get fed voluntarily, they'll end up waiting outside chip shops in gangs and mugging people, just like my local seagulls do! They'll join up and the next thing you know it'll be total breadcrub and guano mayhem in a true Hitchcock stylie!
Perhaps we should be using the breadcrums to open an alternative to KFC - KFP anyone??
Cheers!
T (",)
PS If you all want a rest from this blogging lark, why not ask Longman or Rob DJ to write it for you...?

A wise man once said.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

Dave,
When you talk about pigeons as "flying vermins" you sound just like my partner,maybe you are his clone or maybe you belong to the same breed of sarcastic cynics that women love to hate.
Love Angela.

I think owls are cool ... they should let us feed them

Oh my! Hanging baskets of Babylon!

Im not a fan of feeding birds either, but ducks are great, lol.

I used to feed ducks regulary when l were younger, it would seem a bit silly to do it again though now ;)

I like Ducks too.....But swans are cool.

Dave, Maybe you should have breadcrumbs stuck to the back of your trainers in the Great North Run. The prospect of all that disease spreading vermin in pursuit would sure make me run like the wind. Geordie Birds eh!

Dave, how much of the blog is scripted... ?

Whats wrong with Piegeons? Everyone 'up North' has them!

Love the hanging baskets :-|

Great Blog Dave. Here in Florida, we don't have too many people feeding the birds. Regardless, best wishes in the Great North Run.

Dave, I'm sure you really must have more things to worry about than pigeons and wheat intolerent ducks. I have a daughter who loves to feed the ducks and it has never crossed my mind that they might have some crazy allergy. I still dont care either.
Bit disappointed you didnt mention what you were having for tea.

RIP Steve Irwin

See, those people with the pigeons remind me of scenes from The Birds. Why would anyone do that to themselves voluntarily?

Pigeons in flight
I want to see you tonight
I want to hold you
If I may be so bold to
And tell you some things that you’d like
To hear
Oh my dear
In your ear

I Like ducks . . .

another blogtastic entry! keep them coming, these incites into your life are strangely interesting... did you see that you were an answer on the weakest link on friday? you know you've made it when your a quiz show answer!
would also like to see hanging basket or maybe even duck pics soon x

Dave,

I’m with you mate feral pigeons or rats with wings are grim little creatures. However, Wood Pigeons make great eating. My recipe suggestion would be fry them with a little garlic and serve with new potatoes.

Duck – what do you think – Shredded with pancake – much better than with bread!!!!!!!

Mike

About the hanging baskets thing..you could just say you watered them. Who's to know right?! "nudge nudge wink wink"

I see no one has replied dave, so i thought i would, only because your such a legend, i d idnt read the blog though mate.

Aww poor wheat intolerant ducks. That's sad. As for the hanging baskets, I've known for them to get stolen before... it would certainly solve the problem ;)

I never knew you could go into so much annalasis over feeding ducks bread. I can see your point with pidgeons, they're just so annoying and don't seem to serve any particular purpose!

Hope you work out a way of watering the next-door neighnours hanging baskets and i look forward to seeing a picture of them soon!

Yet again, another great blog Dave!! And it's a fairly decent point you make about wheat intolerant ducks, although I'm not sure they actually exist. Would love to see some pictures of these hanging baskets!!