New Methods Of Music Marking - The Chocolate Scale
Should you ever find yourself on a long car journey with people you don't know all that well, or stuck on a bus in traffic without anything to talk about, you can usually get a decent chat going by attempting to rate chocolate bars according to whether they are a luxury or a utility.
This isn't as complicated as it may sound. If you think about all of the chocolate bars which are available, and the ones which you personally enjoy, you'll probably find that a lot of them are best enjoyed on an everyday level - KitKats, Mars, Penguin biscuits - but they're not really the kind of thing you get terribly excited about.
On the other hand, there are the more exotic chocolate bars - plain chocolate Bounty, Topic, Turkish Delight - which serve as a special treat when you feel that you have been extra good. The brilliant thing about the whole 'rating chocolate' conversation is that everyone has slightly different opinions as to which bars belong in which camp.
Now, this is a scale which you can also apply to the appreciation of popular music. There are bands and songs which are just built to be heard on a daily basis, which form part of how you live your life, but which you don't really get terribly excited about because they're just there to do a job. These are Mars Bars.
I would suggest that a good portion of the Radio 1 daytime playlist, and therefore the charts, has always contained music which is like this. It represents what is going on right now, and that's it. Especially as people tend to clasp the stuff they really love to their hearts because it is so special to them. It's hard to do that with something you're experiencing over and over again, while you're going about your business.
Meanwhile, there's the songs which you save for special occasions, put to one side for dark moments, or excited moments, or moments where you just NEED a song to come along and sort you out. These are not songs you can just have on all the time, or the magic will rub off on your ears, and dribble down your neck. No, those kind of songs are for private moments, the kind of songs that you couldn't share with just anyone, and even if you did, the slightest sign that your friends didn't like it would feel like a knife in the gut.
And again, the brilliant thing about using this kind of filter to examine and sort music with is that everyone has a very different take on things. For some people, 'Naive' by the Kooks is a total luxury song, the kind of thing which is just YOU, and is therefore a Turkish Delight. For others, it struggles to even achieve Penguin status.
So, as it's a Friday and I haven't heard the mighty voice of the ChartBlog Massive in full roar for a while, how's about I pick 10 songs, and you rate them according to their Chocability Status? And if you don't like them at all, your task is to think of a suitably rubbish chocolate bar.
There is no prize for this, beyond the satisfaction which comes from helping to push back the boundaries of scientific exploration...
Here's your starter for 10...
Madonna - '4 Minutes'
Timbaland - 'Give It To Me'
Foo Fighters - 'The Pretender'
The Enemy - 'You're Not Alone'
Vampire Weekend - 'Mansard Roof'
Arctic Monkeys - 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor'
Girls Aloud - 'Biology'
Duffy - 'Mercy'
Radiohead - 'How To Disappear Completely'
My Chemical Romance - 'I'm Not OK (I Promise)'
Naturally this is quite a mainstream selection, so if there's a hidden song which you are saving for a rainy day, why not let everyone in on the secret? C'mon, you're among friends here...
Comment number 1.
At 13th Jun 2008, HG wrote:Madonna - Milky way (eww...)
Timbaland - Galaxy (instantly recognisable, terribly sucessful and you wouldn't want a lot at once)
Foo Fighters - Guilian
The Enemy - Freddie
Vampire Weekend - Flake (moderate to good)
Arctic Monkeys - Dairy Milk (okay but a very persistant after-taste)
Girls Aloud - Caramel (Sugary and fun, but not a favourite)
Duffy - Whisper
Radiohead - Fruit and Nut
My Chemical Romance - Plain chocolate bounty (dark and intense but a bit too much for most of the time)
[I've missed people commenting. We've also worked out how to break the Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ record for most brand names quoted in 5 mins...]
Complain about this comment (Comment number 1)
Comment number 2.
At 13th Jun 2008, clazaraza wrote:Madonna - '4 Minutes' - Galaxy Caramel, because on the surface it's ok but when you bite into it it has some really substandard caramel
Timbaland - 'Give It To Me' - Revels, it has too much going on
Foo Fighters - 'The Pretender' - KitKat, predictable but not the worst
The Enemy - 'You're Not Alone' - haven't heard it, can't comment. Let's say Picnic, coz I've never had one of those either
Vampire Weekend - 'Mansard Roof' - most definitely Turkish Delight, because it's exotic and catchy but tastes awful after a while
Arctic Monkeys - 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor' - Dairy milk, a classic (yes, already) that just never gets old and always cheers me up
Girls Aloud - 'Biology' - creme egg, a guilty pleasure
Duffy - 'Mercy' - Aero, alright at first, but full of holes
Radiohead - 'How To Disappear Completely' - Green and Black's ie the expensive stuff :)
My Chemical Romance - 'I'm Not OK (I Promise)' - Bourneville, dark but not dark enough
whew, I'm all metaphored out
Complain about this comment (Comment number 2)
Comment number 3.
At 13th Jun 2008, RomanticRealist wrote:Madonna - '4 Minutes' is a Mars Bar. A bit of bite and chew. Nothing special.
Timbaland - 'Give It To Me' is one of those Dairy Milk bar with mint pieces. You expect it to be delicious. Dairy Milk AND mint pieces! Furtado, Timberlake AND Timbaland! But it’s just so, so wrong…
Foo Fighters - 'The Pretender' is a bag of Liquorice Allsorts (I know that’s not technically a chocolate bar…) Sort of nice, sort of nasty...
The Enemy - 'You're Not Alone is a milk chocolate Bounty. A pretty mediocre version of the Arctic Monkeys (see below), but nice enough now and again.
Vampire Weekend - 'Mansard Roof'. Oof. Now that is Turkish Delight. A bit of distinction.
Arctic Monkeys - 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor' is a dark chocolate bounty, too special to eat all the time. So much like the Enemy yet so little like them at the same time…
Girls Aloud - 'Biology' is a Fudge Bar. Cheap and easy.
Duffy - 'Mercy' is a Caramel Freddo. It’s a pale imitation of the old classic Dairy Milk Caramel, but it is quite fun.
Radiohead - 'How To Disappear Completely' is a Whisper, confused with Fuses and other non-specific bars.
My Chemical Romance - 'I'm Not OK (I Promise)' is a Snickers Bar. Sticks in your teeth when you really rather it wouldn’t.
Complain about this comment (Comment number 3)
Comment number 4.
At 14th Jun 2008, Fraser McAlpine - wrote:Wow! I think we're really truly on to something here!
More postings please, people! These three made me laugh and laugh!
Fraser
Complain about this comment (Comment number 4)
Comment number 5.
At 15th Jun 2008, im-a-teapot wrote:Madonna - '4 Minutes' - Twixes - its ok if there's really nothing left in the biscuit tin
Timbaland - 'Give It To Me' - penguin bars - i just don't really care enough about them
Foo Fighters - 'The Pretender' - terrys chocolate orange - i hate it
The Enemy - 'You're Not Alone' - whole nut - yum just enough chocolate and nut
Vampire Weekend - 'Mansard Roof' - never heard of it so i'm gonna give it a topic the ones everyone leaves out of celebrations at christmas
Arctic Monkeys - 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor' - white chocolate or maybe a crunchie gets you psyched up, friday feeling etc =D
Girls Aloud - 'Biology' echo - bubbly and does the job
Duffy - 'Mercy' - fruit and nut - hated it but grew to love it
Radiohead - 'How To Disappear Completely' - galaxy caramel with tea - i shouldn't like it but i do...
My Chemical Romance - 'I'm Not OK (I Promise)' - dark chocolate - will eat it but it's a bit too sickly and i wish i hadn't afterwards.
oooh i like this!
Complain about this comment (Comment number 5)
Comment number 6.
At 15th Jun 2008, -RachelS- wrote:Right, where's me comment?!
Complain about this comment (Comment number 6)
Comment number 7.
At 15th Jun 2008, -RachelS- wrote:Oh, that one worked!
Hmmm...ok then...
Radiohead - 'How To Disappear Completely' - Green and Black's dark 85% cocoa: so intensely chocolatey, it almost doesn't taste like chocolate any more... can be a bit much to take!
Complain about this comment (Comment number 7)