Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

But meticulous examination (using a magnifying glass, a microscope and the making of copious notes over many hours) has uncovered a disturbing mystery...one which threatens to erode the very fabric of the band themselves (did I mention how long I've been staring at this bloody thing?).

So, we've already noticed Nicola's diminished role in this picture, but look closer, are we to read anything into the width of vest-strap each of the girls is displaying here? Sarah and Kimberley both have very sensible, comfy-looking wide straps, as if they turned up to the photo-shoot in their PJs, whereas Nadine (thinner) and Cheryl (thinnest) seem to be veering more into sexy underwear territory.

And then there's Nicola, who seems to have grabbed her little brother's PE vest at the last minute...almost as if someone stole hers from the Girls Aloud dressing-up box (it presumably would have had super-tiny micro-spaghetti straps). Now who would do a thing like that?

Well, probably the same person who is so threatened by Nadine's skinny straps that they've forced her to wear too much blue eyeshadow and had her picture (which doesn't really capture her at her best, now does it?) cropped strangely, just to pander to the wishes of anyone who ever wondered what she would look like with male-pattern baldness.

The same someone who superglued Sarah's hand to her forehead. The same someone who waited until Kimberley was nearly asleep before allowing her to have her picture taken. Who could benefit directly from all of these things? Hmm?

And is Cheryl attempting to send a subconscious message to all female Girls Aloud fans that they need to remember to examine themselves for suspect lumps on a regular basis? I mean it's clearly an important message to send out, but is this really the time or the place?

(Speaking of which, here's Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ Slink's report on popstrels who ALWAYS have time for breast awareness...)

So, in summary, the new Girls Aloud CD insert cover reveals a nasty heirarchy at work within the band. Sarah and Kimberley are firmly in the middle, Nadine slightly higher (but occasionally hobbled by weapons of mass distraction like the too much blue eyeshadow), and Cheryl at the top, looking sexy AND doing good works in the interests of public health.

Meanwhile, poor Nicola has to content herself with her Cinderella status (pre-slipper, natch), and bide her time until her fairy godparent turns up and turns Louis Walsh into a pumpkin.

I think we all know who Calls The Shots in THIS band, don't we?

*Don't panic. They're clearly not LITERALLY dead. This is a reference to the famous rumour from the late 1960s that Paul McCartney had died, and the Beatles had conspired to cover it up.