Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

That's right, Jennifer Lopez has had a near-fatal attack of the dread diva malady 'being down-to-earth', and has insisted that she is no longer the world-conquering, butt-shaking J-Lo.

As of right now, she's just, she's just Jennifer (from the block).

She told the Guardian: "I'm not J-Lo any more. That's all gone with all the ridiculous stories about tantrums and Egyptian sheets. That's all my past."

*lip-wobble*

*deep breaths*

First of all, someone should really tell her that it was those 'ridiculous stories' which formed the basis of her amazingness as a star. Her entire enigma was based on the fact the she had standards the like of which we can only IMAGINE. She could tell Egyptian cotton from other types of cotton, that's like MAGIC or something.

And besides, we don't WANT our famous people to be nice, down-to-earth, friendly types who are happy to settle for inferior textiles and coffee stirred any-which-way-it-comes. What we want from our celebrities is the possibility that they are not human at all, and that they may actually have been constructed by aliens.

Aliens who do not understand such human virtues as 'manners' and 'patience', but who seem to have totally assimilated 'self-esteem', 'showing off', 'pouting huffily' and 'things not being good enough'. And you know WHY we want our singing stars to act in this fashion? Well, as with all good wants and needs, it's all to do with how we feel about ourselves.

Not how we feel ourselves, you understand, you'd have to be some kind of weirdo to get off on Mariah Carey refusing to go up a flight of stairs, no matter how short her VERY EXPENSIVE skirt is. No, the real reason we're all so keen on celebrity and stars and all that stuff is that it gives us all something to measure our own lives against.

Think about it, why else would you get so very very angry when someone you consider to be less talented, less sexy, less charismatic and less eloque...equole...talkywordish than you are manages to achieve fame and success? It doesn't matter if it's Jade Goody, Geri Halliwell or Ray Quinn, nothing quite raises the irk than someone getting a ticket to the good life when they don't seem to deserve it.

And yet, why should you care? Why does it matter if people from Big Brother have been invited to a swanky celeb do? Surely it can't be BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T? Surely no-one has that fragile an ego that they would measure their own worth against someone they've never met in a kind of status race, and then get affronted when that person seems to be winning, against all odds?

HA! Fooled you! EVERYONE has that ego. That EXACT PRECISE ego. And that is why there are celebrities, and that is why it is no use to any of us if they are 'just like you or me', cos that means you have to hate them and everything they have achieved which beats everything you have achieved. See?

So that's why it's better if the stars themselves are aloof and a bit crackers, because it means there is so little chance of making a meaningful comparison between them and you that you can just sit back and enjoy them being all funny and grumpy and weird with your self-esteem intact.

Plus it's motivational, you find yourself thinking "if I was that rich and that famous, no way would I bother with lilies and bling, but I WOULD demand to be taken everywhere in a bright red ice-cream van and insist on being called Captain Whippy wherever I go..."

And when you look on diva-hood as a public service, well, you can see why we're all so cut up about the loss of one of our finest...

*sob!*

...we shall not know her like again.

That's not the only annoying thing Jennifer said in her interview either. She also made the cardinal pop star error of slamming her own records. She said, of her new CD: "This is the album I'm proudest of. In fact, this is the only album I've ever recorded that I listen to in my car."

Now, this kind of 'honesty' is a bad idea on SO MANY LEVELS, but I'll try and limit the discussion and only mention the really important ones, for brevity's sake. Ready? Here goes...

LEVEL ONE: It's rude to the people who bought your records (ie: your fans).

There, I think that was fairly comprehensive.