Fun At The Brit Awards - The Show Itself
ChartBlog's special Exclusive-Hungry reporter Jessica Ree* on the TV show of the award ceremony of the music business event of the year (so far)....
Hello! It's me Jessica here. I have been doing some very hard sleuthing, while watching this year's Brit Awards on television, at home, alone...and I have uncovered some amazing facts. AMAZING, I TELL YOU.
For starters, I can exclusively reveal that the Scissor Sisters can't really jump that high, and they're not that supple either. It was all A LIE, and they had to bring in SPECIAL PRETEND LEGS so that they could look supple and stuff. Whatsamatter, Jake and Ana? Been overdoing the mince pies over Christmas, eh? Jake? Eh?
And you would have thought that the Brits organisers had enough money to provide Snow Patrol with proper lights in boxes with all flaps on the front instead of just hanging a load of bulbs over them. Cuh! Cutting corners, are we, Brits organisers? Eh?
Frankly the bit with Fearne Cotton and all the phone numbers was so complicated that it made my head hurt...I CAN EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL...
(END OF PART ONE)
(PART TWO)
Ooh! Is that Jarvis Cocker out of the Pulps? I used to quite fancy him. Anyway, what I can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL is that the Fratellis are secretly the Kooks. Or is it the other way around? And isn't it nice that the lead singer Luke or Jon brought up his two not-famous friends for a TASTE OF CELEBRITY? Yes, I thought so too.
Er, who won the award after that? All I heard was everyone shouting "Awesome, Awesome" so it's all a bit confusing. Come on Brits organisers, be clearer with your winners in future, eh?
In my extensive research for this, I have uncovered that Amy Winehouse is wearing some of Russell Brand's old hair. And that Russell Brand is wearing Lily Allen's old bangles. This is BIG NEWS, EH?
Joss Stone's hair is brought to you by Crystal Tips (ask your gran) and her dress by Rainbow (again...your gran). '70s kids shows are the new black. It's official!
Jim Morrison out of the Doors has won an award, and he looks AMAZING for his age. I wish we all had his secret, right girls? Eh?
Oh no! it's Fearne again and I've dropped my pencil. Help!
(END OF PART TWO)
(PART THREE)
What? Justin Timberlake won? But my notes said it would be Amy Winehouse...oh it's so hard to KEEP UP!
Oh thank goodness for the Killers. And did you notice they appeared to be playing in a shoebox? This is because they are all only a few inches tall, and their guitars are specially made for them by magic pixies. I know this because I asked someone in Amy Winehouse's band, just before they fell asleep...
Speaking of whom, did you notice that Amy seems to be covered in black marks, like all over her skin? Come on, Amy's wardrobe people, surely you could've helped her wash those off before she got on the stage? I mean, how hard can it be, eh?
Now, Nelly Furtado...I checked this one out very thoroughly and what I have discovered is that she claims to be a 'Maneater', but actually, given the chance, she prefers to eat normal food just like you or I. Maneater? HAMEATER, more like!
SHH! Take That are on!
Bah...poor Fearne and those scary numbers again...where's the aspirin?
(END OF PART THREE)
(PART FOUR)
Something about the Wizard of Oz? Only instead of flying monkeys, they're like Arctic Monkeys? This is WEIRD. I'm TIRED!
Zzzz
Did someone say the Killer Peppers are playing? I love them. That song they do called 'When You Were California' is such a monument in rock history, don't you think? I've got all their records and I love them.
(END OF PART FOUR)
(PART FIVE)
THE KILLERS HAVE WON AN AWARD! THIS IS GREAT STUFF! I can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that my friend Jenny wants me to steal their lead singer and lock him in her cupboard so she can play with him on rainy days. I will do my best, or my name isn't Jessica Ree. Which it is.
Who's this now? Colin Bailey Rae? A man in a dress? Singing like a girl? MUST WE THROW THIS FILTH AT OUR POP KIDS? We should start a campaign to BAN this SICK PERFORMER from appearing near children or vulnerable adults. OH MY GOD THERE ARE CHILDREN ON THE STAGE! Where's Jarvis Cocker when you need him?
Shh! Take That are on! They won Best Single! Yah boo sucks to you, ROBBIE! You think you're SO HARD. And I can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that TOO!
Look! The Village People have won an award now! That's nice. My dad LOVES 'YMCA'...
(END OF PART FIVE)
(PART SIX)
Ha ha ha! I've drunk LOADS of this wine! I don't even know whose it is...but I tell you this...Russell Brand can host MY awards ceremony anytime! Ha ha ha! HA HA!
AND FINALLY. I predict big things for this band Oasis. They've got the lot, sex, danger, outrageous behaviour, tunes. I say they're going to be BIG. So remember where you read it first!
This is Jessica Ree saying GOODNIGHT, THE BRITS!
(END OF PART SIX)
This has been a Jessica Ree feature for 'Look At Ree' productions...
*ChartBlog would like to point out that any opinions voiced by Jessica Ree in the course of this feature are not necessarily those of ChartBlog itself. Plus SHE'S NOT REALLY REAL EITHER, WE MADE HER UP. Tricksy, eh?
Comments
is amy winehouses hair ALIVE?! it looks like it's trying to escape!
great show so far, the scissor sisters sure know how to entertain!
i'm still sticking with the 'amy's hair is alive thing', but why was joss stone wearing mika's album cover as a dress? does no one agree with me?
i'm counting down the minutes until 9pm, then russell's gonna come into his element!
get rid of fearne! shoot her, someone, please!
Give me CONTROVERSY. It'sf all too polite.
I thought Russell Brand did a very good job at presenting the awards. Certainly as good if not better than Chris Evans.
is it me, or was joss stone behaving like a total t***when she presented that award? i.e. by putting on an american accent, pretending to be amy winehouse and then attempting to rouse sympathy for robbie williams?
There's no way the despicable idiot Brand should be allowed to get away with "jokes" about friendly fire and the reference to Matty Hull. If ITV had any decency or credibility they'd sack the vile leach pronto.
oh my god!why brit?i understand y u do this?
Russell Brand should be banned from TV! he's horrible, making jokes that aren't even romotly funny topics. Go joss stone, at least she has a brain unlike Russell Brand!!