The Prize Is Right?
There are some traditions that just never die. Halloween, Guy Fawkes night, morris dancing, forgetting the name of who won last year's X Factor (was it that Brookstein bloke? G4?), all these things are part of the cultural fabric of this great nation, and make us who we are.
And here's another one, reading down the list of nominations for the BRIT Awards and going "WHAAAT? Are these people FOR SERIOUS?" and then smashing a teacup and using the jagged edges to go and threaten a busker. We've all done it, right? Hello?
And so to this year's nominations. Now, some of them will seem a little difficult to understand at first, but bear with me, I have thoroughly investigated the entire list, and made some significant discoveries which should make everything clear.
First of all, in some of the categories, there's a list of five acts when really the organisers mean there to be a list of two acts. There's the people who could win, and the people who won't.
Here's an example. See if you can spot the hidden 'List Of Two'...
British Female Solo Artist
Amy Winehouse
Corinne Bailey Rae
Jamelia
Lily Allen
Nerina Pallot
That's right. It's between Jamelia and Nerina Pallot.
Here's another one...
British Male Solo Artist
James Morrison
Jarvis Cocker
Lemar
Paolo Nutini
Thom Yorke
Now, did you spot something interesting there? That's right! The 'List Of Two' is one short. Someone's going to be awfully embarrassed about that, don't you think?
Other categories are much harder to read anything into. British Group and British Album seem fair enough, really, unless you're a member of the Feeling. And the British Single category, despite not having Jamelia's 'Beware Of The Dog' scores extra points by putting in a couple of comedy entries, just to raise a smile in these dark, bleak, wintry days. Look, here they are...
British Single
Corinne Bailey Rae - 'Put Your Records On'
The Feeling - 'Fill My Little World'
James Morrison - 'You Give Me Something'
The Kooks - 'She Moves In Her Own Way'
Leona Lewis - 'A Moment Like This'
Lily Allen - 'Smile'
Razorlight - 'America'
Sandi Thom - 'I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker'
Snow Patrol - 'Chasing Cars'
Take That - 'Patience'
Will Young - 'All Time Love'
And they say The Men In Suits have no sense of humour! Pft!
Speaking of which, there's an AMAZING joke hidden in the nominations for British Live Act. Looky here...
British Live Act
George Michael
Guillemots
Kasabian
Muse
Robbie Williams
HA ha ha hahahahahha! I tell ya, Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ3's comedy people are on the phone to whoever put him in there RIGHT NOW. They'll have their own sketch show by Easter. They're also after whoever compiled this next list...
International Male Solo Artist
Beck
Bob Dylan
Damien Rice
Jack Johnson
Justin Timberlake
But this, astonishingly, isn't supposed to be funny. In fact, the reason these people are in that list is a simple clerical error. Someone's got the category name wrong. Here's what it should say...
International Male NON-HIP HOP/R&B Solo Artist
Beck
Bob Dylan
Damien Rice
Jack Johnson
Justin Timberlake (I think they're defining him as 'pop', see...)
That's why it's like a random rogue's gallery of men who've had records out in the last year. Otherwise Akon would be in there, see?
Sadly, this isn't the only mistake on the list either. Look at this, it's shocking...
International Female Solo Artist
Beyonce
Cat Power
Christina Aguilera
Nelly Furtado
Pink
That's right. They've spelled Shakira 'Cat Power'. That's one strict spellcheck the BRITS people have got, donchathink? Surely leaving that unaltered is just going to just confuse people? Tsk!
One final point. This last award here? It's missing the end off.
Outstanding Contribution To Music
Oasis
Let's just put it back, shall we?
Outstanding Contribution To Music Remains Unclear
Oasis
There. Much better. Same time next year, everyone?
PS: If any of my eerily accuate predictions fail to pan out, I'll just do that OTHER great BRITS tradition. Yelling "IT'S A FIX! BY THE INDUSTRY!" and huffing off to bed. So there.
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