Βι¶ΉΤΌΕΔ

And in any case, when you look at the SINISTER THREAT which is closing in on our beloved charts, Leona Lewis is a warm hug from your favourite teddy bear by comparision. Now, I can hear you begging (using my special powers of mental hearing...a part of my brain other people call their imagination) for me to explain exactly what SINISTER THREAT I am on about, and so that is what I shall do. Any minute....

Now!

Pop music has always been for youthful fizz and against being boring, right? And one of the most boring things a person can do is bang on about spelling. I mean, come on, everyone knows that the best way to liven up the name of a band or song is to spell it wrong. Don't believe me? Check out Just Jack's 'Starz In Their Eyes' - which has the classic 'S' to 'Z' swap going on. Or should I say the clazzic 'S' to 'Z' zwap?

Another good one is to spell everything in your song title as if it was written as a text message. Like the Ordinary Boys have done with 'I Luv U', or Mary J Blige did with 'MJ Da MVP'. That's very now, very street. It shows you really understand what's going on with THE KIDS, and that you are DOWN with them. If a song title could high-five and demand respect through heavy lidded eyes - sorry, eyez - these would.

Then there's the pop acts whose very name is based on a total failure to pay attention in English. Like Booty Luv (again with the text-speak), or Sugababes. The risk in these Googley times is that people won't be able to find out about your hot new pop act because they're typing in 'Sugarbabes', 'Sugerbabes' or, in extreme cases 'Zugababez' and then getting lost in the back pages of the internet (if a net can be said to have pages, obv).

But what, my imagination tells me you're now all pleading, of that SINISTER THREAT you mentioned? It's simply this. While it's great that all of these songs and acts are keeping the noble traditions of badly-spelled pop alive, a quick squizz at this week's chart shows that their very existence is being threatened. Nowadays, when it comes to record sleeves and band names, it seems the grown-ups have taken control of the spell-check. Which leaves us all in the frankly terrifying position of scanning an entire Top 40, and only finding SIX SONGS which feature deliberately bad spelling. EEK!

And even worse, some of the artists and song titles in the charts show overwhelming levels of (sob!) intelligence and (gah!) literacy...do these people have no idea of the weight of tradition they're just throwing to one side?

So, step forward Mason versus (VERSUS! It's LATIN!) Princess Superstar with your 'Exceeder'. You're a DISGRACE!

Come to the front of class swotty Evanescence, you ever thought of PUTTING THE BOOKS DOWN?

And as for you, young Miss Knowles...every time you call a song something like 'Irreplaceable' you make the Klaxons job TEN TIMES HARDER. Are you PLEASED with yourself, EH?

Frankly, unless something drastic happens over the next few months, like a world 'S' zhortage, things are looking bleak for one of the oldest and finest pop traditions of all time. Because if kool zpelling dies, who's to say the world of pop won't die with it? Eh?

This has been a ChartBlog Chart Report.

PS: Rocksnobs and gippers...in case any of this report offends your delicate sensibilites and love of spelling. Just remember that the two biggest acts in musical history ('60s and '70s divisions) spelled their names in an unusual fashion. The Beatles (it's a pun, I know, but still) and Led Zeppelin. So THINK ON...