Jacky found her husband Keith in their car, in the garage where he locked himself in and gassed himself. "It was a total shock. When I found him, I didn't realise that he'd taken his own life, I just thought he was asleep in the car for some reason. I thought perhaps he'd had a heart attack."
Was there any indication that Keith was depressed? "Looking back I could see he wasn't quite himself in the weeks up to his death. I really didn't have any indication that he was depressed - he was a very private person and very quiet and withdrawn. Men don't tend to talk about their feelings. I gave him space, and thought I was doing the right thing. With hindsight I wish I'd been more demanding and made him talk to me."
Do you feel guilty or angry? "Absolutely -I feel desperately angry with myself, I just wish I could have saved him. I have thought of suicide for myself but it really isn't an option with two children - I have to carry on for them. Anger turned inwards, that's what suicide is..."
This anger can't be good for you...? "I've had lots of counselling (I've stopped going now) The counsellor keeps telling me that until you get angry, you won't get better. But I can't get angry with a dead person, it just doesn't seem right to be angry with him, because he was so ill. I've forgiven him for whatever he has done to us, but it was certainly something I'm sure he wouldn't have done if he'd realised what he was going to leave behind.
Did Keith leave any indication as to why he took his own life? "He left a letter. He'd written a lot of poems over the years, and he'd written in the back of his poetry book - saying he was desperately sorry for what he was going to do, he just felt everything was caving in on him. It was sheer depression and depression can kill people..."
Had Keith ever been treated for depression? "Not as such but he'd had sad episodes in his life. His first child died at birth and he was very upset about that. It too ten years before the health authority admitted liability. The resolution to that came about 2 months before he died. He was a social worker, and one of his clients took her own life. He had her note on him as well... I think he felt desperately sad about that. He wasn't one to talk about his feelings. He was a very proud and strong individual - but lived in his own little world really..."
But it's not a sign of weakness to be able to talk about your problems... "No, but it's not something in our culture that men tend to do. And that's the sadness, because until we start talking about depression and feelings more, we're not going to the bottom this problem. Male suicide is on the increase and I'd like to do something about it because for every person who dies there's a whole family and friendship network left behind."
You say you don't feel angry with him - you don't feel that what he did was in some way selfish?
He put in his letter that it was a very selfish act. I happen to believe it's quite a brave act - I certainly haven't got the courage to do it. You have to be very self-centred at that point when you do it - it's almost like auto-pilot. I'm sure people get into a thing where they think people will be better off without them. Which I'm sure Keith felt at the time, and that was a very sincere thought he had. We're not better off without him, we wish he was here."
How do your children cope? "They are remarkable. They're so strong-willed and for them life carries on. We talk about Keith all the time, we have photographs around, and I encourage them to talk and I never disguise the fact that he took his own life from them. I think the most important thing for children is stability and honesty..."
There must be times when it is particularly difficult to cope ..."Anniversaries are the worst. July 4th was the day it happened. I re-live the time up to that period - it builds up inside and then it passes, and then it starts in September when we got married and its Keith's birthday. There are lots of things we would have done together as a family. It's there all the time, it doesn't leave me. I really have to learn to live with it - all you learn to do is cope better with it over a period of time, you disguise it more, and get on with new things. I find I'm OK as long as I'm busy. I've got to learn to move on for myself as well as the children."
