ΜύListen again in full
Peter Curran has been searching for the fast-track to intimacy....
"If passion ends in fashion, we're the worst dressed couple in town. Shouting suggestions for a night out while looking for a child's shoe under the bunk bed. Realising that ' I thought you were supposed to renew it' is the most tender thing you've said all day. All just part of the separation that happens when you start a family.
But once the kids are out of the way - it's time to adopt the position. On one side of the room, Herself - having a loud, outraged telephone conversation with a friend whose been cheated on. On the other side of the room, there's me ; on my knees in front of the television set, straining to follow a fascinating documentary about U- boats. It's beyond kinky.
With the days of clothes tearing immediacy now vague hieroglyphic outlines in the memory, it's time to use the most erotic instrument now at my disposal - the brain. Sweetalkin' Guy, that's the one to be. In the suspicion filled exchange that follows, I realise that my fulsome compliments on looks and personality all to obviously come from the groin of an old ram rather than the fine mind of a poet. So what do ? The unbeatable power of music must be called upon.
If Music be the food of love - then Barry White is not the snack that you can eat between meals. He kind of leaves any third parties listening out of the picture as he perforates the eardrum of his partner with sub-sonic rumbles of pleasure. I know the French call it Le Petit Mort - but Bazza does sound like he may indeed, be breathing his last on a straining hospital gurney rather than lolling on a gigantic water bed. (music off, suddenly)
No, too much Love Unlimited orchestra will have you sniggering past foreplay and onto that forehead kiss and the two most crushing words in the English language 'Night , then'( sigh)
That's the killer. To find a piece of music strong enough to carry us both of us away from the tiredness and preoccupations of family life. And to make up for any inadequacies....
In the half light, a gentleman attempts to remove his underpants seductively ; the waistband snags on his ankle, before twanging on his uncut toenails and he has to steady himself against the wardrobe.
The clarinet gets you right there with it's playful sensuality - but if you need to put the brakes on a bit, just picture Woody Allen playing it.
There is one instrument that is seduction with a reed on it. It's sound moved out of the department store lift and into every bedroom scene on film or television years ago, but it can still rise above it's own clichΓ©. The saxophone. Caressed by it's warm burr, the years roll back and careworn eyes begin to shine with dilated promise - ( cue Benny Hill theme)
But it's not just the music. As with that other great pre-occupation of family life - it's location , location, location.
On the one occasion we have managed to wake-up together in a hotel room with out the attendant family, I reached for the Vaughan Williams to kick-start that sense of romantic wonder and it worked beautifully until the phone call home to 'just to see if everything was all right'.
If at home, after a tiring week and too much red wine, I can recommend King Tubby Meets Rockers Uptown. It's rolling percussion and echo drenched melodies, are just the thing for a bit of imprecise fumbling before surrendering to sleep.
Although, I believe at only 2' 48", it might fall short of some people's expectations."
Β© Peter Curran
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