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The Young-ish Visiters
By screamname
 An Ambridge version of Daisy Ashford's naïve classic .
Chapter One: Quite a Young Girl
Mr Lloyd was an elderly man of 72 and intended to develop the habit of asking people to stay with him at Blosom Hill Cotage. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 named Isabelle Wofford-Monticue and he knew this would annoy his boring son and daughter-in-law which amused him grately. Mr Lloyd had silvery short hair and mustache and wiskers which were very silvery and twisty. Isabelle had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes with contack lenses as she thorght it more becoming. She had a blue velour frock which had grown rarther short in the sleeves and other places too.
One day Mr Lloyd came down to brekfast and found Isabelle had come down first which was strange. Is the tea made Izzy he said rubbing his hands. Yes said Isabelle and such a quear shaped parcel has come for you. Gosh said Mr Lloyd to have the post delivered before brekfast is very quear indeed, as we all know that postal services have been cut back in rural districts.
It was a hat box tied down very tight and a letter taped onto the front. Well well said Mr Lloyd I will read the letter first and so saying he tore open the letter and this is what it said.
My dear Jim
I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a fedora wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young ladies whichever is the prettiest in the face.
I remain
Yours truely
Steve Chalkman.
Well said Mr Lloyd I shall take you to stay Izzy and fancy him sending me a fedora. Then Mr L. opened the box and there lay the most splendid hat of a lovly rich tone rarther like grapes with a ribbon round compleat.
Well said Mr Lloyd peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bow of the ribbon is too flighty for my age. On the other hand he continued it will make Shula and Alistair think I have gone bonkers, so perhaps I will. Then he sat down and eat the egg which Isabelle had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished his meal and began to write to Steve Chalkman. He puffed up stairs on his elderly legs and took out his laptop with a loud sniff and this is what he wrote.
My dear Steve
Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring Isabelle Wofford-Monticue commonly called Izzy. She is very active and pretty, espeshually doing her dance routines. I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of watching people digging in the garden and I am parshial to ladies if they are nice I suppose it is my nature. What is all this about common and uncommon. I am not quite a gentleman but you would hardly notice it but cant be helped and anyhow class divisions are over-emphasised. We will come by the 3-15, assuming the trains are not on strike. What is the country coming to.
Your old and valud friend
Jim Lloyd
Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Steve Chalkman had asked Mr Lloyd to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot, fully half an hour from the motorway, and he liked peaple and partys but he did not know many, or more to the point not so many wanted to know him as before his troubles. The world is fickle that way. What rot muttered Steven Chalkman as he read Mr Lloyds email but this young lady sounds a bit of all right. He was rarther a presumshious man.
Perhaps my readers will also be wondering why Isabelle Wofford-Monticue was staying with Mr Lloyd. Isabelle was quite parshial to gentlemen if they were nice to her, and it was not so pleasant at home, with the little ones squabbling and Dom and Karen having yet another domestick. (It was very hard to perswade any domestick to stay more than a few days, what with the walk up to the 18th floor.) Isabelle was not quite a lady but that couldn't be helped, or there again maybe it could as she was still rarther young and impreshionable. Mr Lloyd liked educating the young and he needed a projeckt as his old sports car was going quite all right and hardly ever braking down. So when they met at a party given by her friend Phillippa's grandparents she told him her tail of woe and he invited her to stay at his two-bedroom cotage with roses around the door for a wile. He said to boring Alistair and Shula have you heard I have taken up doing deeds of charity in my old age. He was rarther a mischivous old man.
Chapter Two: Starting Gaily
When the great morning came Mr Lloyd did not have an egg for his brekfast in case he should be sick on the jorney to Steven Chalkman's manshun. What hat will you wear asked Izzy.
I shall wear the new fedora and my white llama-wool coat that I won in the raffle to save the church spire replied Mr Lloyd. Just because I wish to see an end to institutionalised ecclesiastical power does not mean I am immune to the splender of the architectural heritidge of England.
I shall put some red ruge on my face said Izzy because I am very pale owing to the drains in this house. Usha Gupta has a duty of care as a landlady and the propertied classes must bear some responsibility for the state of the nation's health.
You will look very silly said Mr Lloyd with a dry laugh. Secretly he was thinking she was a quick pupil and had absorbed her lessons well. He hoped she might say something amusing to Steven Chalkman this evening to liven up their visit.
Well so will you look silly said Izzy in a snappy tone and she ran out of the room with a very superier run throwing out her legs behind and her arms swinging in rithum to the beat of her iPod.
Well said the tenent of Blosom Hill Cotage she has a most idiotick run.
Presently Izzy came back in her best miniskert and a lovly velvit hoodie of royal blue. Do I look nice in my get up she asked.
Mr Lloyd survayed her. You look rarther rash my dear your colors dont quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to say goodbye to Emma Grundy the cleaner .
Well dont be long said Izzy. She was not jellus of the time Mr. Lloyd spent with Emma, as the village girl was quite old by now, gone 25, and Izzy the town girl never intended to be like her, cleaning other people's houses, or even her own if she could help it.
Mr L. skipped upstairs to find Emma at her toils, scrubbing away at the dirty toilet cover. Goodbye Emma he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shall enjoy myself.
I make no doubt of that sir said Emma with a blush as Mr Lloyd silently put £200 on the edge of the basin.
Take care of your housemaid's knee said Mr L. rarther bashfully and he hastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly to her.
They traveled 2nd class in the train and Izzy was longing to go first but thought perhaps least said soonest mended. The sports car was not suitable for this voyage as it might brake down so far from home. Mr Lloyd got very excited in the train about his visit. Izzy was calm but she felt excited inside. Steve Chalkman has a big house said Mr. L. gazing at Izzy he is inclined to be rich. Perhaps he will not be rich for ever but he is rich now and he is enjoying it, and why should we not enjoy it with him?
Oh indeed said Izzy looking at some cows flashing past the window. They looked remarkably similar to the cows near Ambridge, but Izzy preferred to look at them rarther than pay him too much attention. Mr. L. felt rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the train stopped and the electronic voice said Rickamere station.
We had better collect our traps said Mr Lloyd and also our suitcases. Why did you want to bring those traps, Izzy my dear? The mouse ones our host will have in stock at his manshun if he thinks it necessery, and the man-traps are illeagal these days, unless that is your teenage slang.
Just then a very exalted chowffer in a peaked cap and olive green jacket put his head in at the window. Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive tones. Well yes I am said Mr Lloyd and so is this lady. Very good sir said the noble chowffer if you will alight I will see to your luggage there is a convayance awaiting you. Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. L. and he and Izzy stepped along the platform. Outside they found a lovely long car lined with olive green cushons to match the chowffer. They got gingerly in. Will he bring our luggage asked Izzy nervously.
I expect so said Mr Lloyd lighting a very long cigar and then extingwishing it hurriedly, thinking perhaps it was not quite the done thing..
Do we tip him asked Izzy quietly.
Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank him perlitely. Just then the chowffer staggered out with the bagage. Izzy bowed gracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr L. waved his hand as each bit of luggage was hoisted into the boot to make sure it was all there. Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely.
Not at all sir said the chowffer and touching his cap he jumped into the driver's seat.
I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Lloyd the thing to do is to leave £20 on your dressing table when your stay is over. For all his superfishal confidence Mr. Lloyd had not been on a visit to a manshun with a chowffer before and he was not quite sure of the details.
Does he find it asked Izzy who did not really know at all how to go on at a visit, aside from schoolgirl sleepovers at Brookfield Farm. The young swain with whom she had almost procreated had not gone so far as to procure a bed for her, or anywhere to stop overnight, so the question of tipping the servants had never arisen.
I beleeve so replied Mr Lloyd anyhow it is quite the custom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do you think of the sceenery. He was quite good at changing the subject when necessery.
Very nice said Izzy gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees and wondering how much it cost. Just then the viacle rolled into a beautifull drive, and presently the haughty chowffer pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall pillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. The doors flung open as if by majic causing Izzy to jump and there was Steven Chalkman to welcome them to his abode. Mr Lloyd and Izzy alighted rarther quickly and left the chowffer to struggle with the luggage.
The hall was very big and hung round with guns and mats and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. Mr. Chalkman said I will tell you about all this later and showed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which he flung open shouting James where are you.
I am here said Mr. Lloyd. My front name is Jim.
No not you Jim said Mr. Chalkman. I meant James Bellamy. You remember him from our poker seshuns in Ambridge a little wile ago.
Ah yes I remember said Mr. Lloyd in an aside. James was staying with his mother Lillian Bellamy and braking the heart and confidence of Brenda Tucker who had long ago gone out with Lillian's toyboy Scott Daniels. I am well up on the love life of Ambridge's younger set.
A tall man of 36 but looking ten years younger rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middle with very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes.
Hullo Jim old boy he cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken.
None thankyou James replied Mr Lloyd shaking hands and let me introduce Miss Wofford-Monticue she is very pleased to come for this visit.
Oh yes gasped Izzy blushing through her red ruge.
James looked at her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hope you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dont know anybody hereabouts.
Dont worry murmered Izzy I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave him a dainty smile.
I expect you would like some tea said Mr. Chalkman watching these exchanges under his bushy eyebrows. I will ring.
Yes indeed we should said Mr Lloyd egerly. Mr. Chalkman pealed on the bell and the chowffer came in with a stately walk.
Tea please crid Steven Chalkman. With pleshure sir replied the chowffer with a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds of bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Izzys eyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal.
I expect you would now like to unpack said Mr. Chalkman when it was over.
Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Lloyd.
I have given the best spare room to Miss Wofford-Monticue said Mr. Chalkman with a gallant bow and yours turning to Mr Lloyd opens out of it so you will be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and a handsome view. You will find Mr. Bellamy on the other side of Miss Wofford-Monticue.
How charming said Izzy. (How convenient, thorght the gentlemen.)
Yes well let us go up replied Mr. Chalkman and he led the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak door with some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are he cried gaily. Izzys room was indeed a handsome compartment with purple silk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilit set was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse.
Oh I say cried Izzy in supprise.
I am glad you like it said Mr. Chalkman and here we have yours Jim. He opened the dividing doors and portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wild primroses.
My own room is next the bath room said Mr. Chalkman it is decerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got a tip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head and a power shower big enough for two.
Izzy was going to ask two what but thorght better of it. Mr Lloyd was secretly getting jellus.
Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter.
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