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Tommy Archer
by Mr Snowy
 Brian Aldridge's hapless business partner was well-named for this parody of Kipling's , from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
I went into the Dragon's Den armed with a business plan
And Brian Aldridge said to me "You are my sort of man"
He promised we'd be partners, he would treat me as his peer
I went back to the pigs again, cigar behind my ear
Now it's "Tom do this" and "Tom do that" and "Tom, you utter prat"
And there's no cigars for Archer when the fire meets the fat
The fire meets the fat, my boys, the fire meets the fat
Oh there's no cigars for Archer when the fire meets the fat
At first we talked of strategy, of finances and such
Each packet bore my smiling face (oh what a lovely touch)
He sent me to meet customers and round the country fairs
But now he talks of mucking out instead of market shares
For it's "Tom do this" and "Tom do that" and "Come on, get a grip"
And it's "Thomas Archer, Pigman" if the profits start to slip
The profits start to slip, my boys, the profits start to slip
Yes it's "Thomas Archer, Pigman" if the profits start to slip
And so we signed our partnership, it was a perfect match
And though I say so for myself I came as quite a catch
Our products would be quality, the pork percentage high
But when I caught the bounder out he didn't bat an eye
It was "Tom do this" and "Tom do that" and "Tom, don't make laugh"
"Your bangers are too costly so let's have less meat, more chaff"
"Let's have less meat, more chaff, my boy, let's have less meat, more chaff"
"Your bangers are too costly so let's have less meat, more chaff"
I dreamed my sausage empire would extend from coast to coast
With proles to do the dirty jobs, the ones I hate the most
And, if I made a fortune, would it be a mortal sin?
But that wasn't Brian's vision, as he told me with a grin
So it's "Tom, do this" and "Tom, do that" and once again "Do this"
And the wretch calls me " Sir Alan" when he's out to take the p*ss
He's out to take the p*ss, my boys, he's out to take the p*ss
Oh the wretch calls me "Sir Alan" when he's out to take the p*ss
I might not be Sir Alan but I'm not a numpty too
I'm just an honest trader, out to make a bob, it's true
If I mention this to Aldridge, his reply's quite simple, "B*lls!!"
So I'm hanging up my pinstripe and I'm donning overalls
Now it's "Tom do this" and "Tom do that; I'm busy with my son"
And this ruddy fool called Archer learns to rue what he has done
I'd be better off with Father, yes, for all his grumpy ways
But I'm feeding Brian's vengeance for the day I trashed his maize
Yes I'm feeding Brian's vengeance for the day I trashed his maize
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