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Local Woman Finds Marbles
by Old Lag
 From the
topic of here's a news story in the style of The Onion. This cult American satirical magazine is known for such headlines as "Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants" and "Signature Dominates Sympathy Card".
Ambridge resident Mrs Jill Archer last night expressed her relief upon finding her marbles again. "I can't think what I'd done with them" said Mrs Archer. "I know I had them a year or so back, when the children were squabbling over money, but after that I just seem to have mislaid them".
Mrs Archer (77) had been chatting with her daughter, Shula Hebden Lloyd [note to sub: check name - is anyone really called 'Shula'?] about the Echo's 'Vicar in mixed-faith sex scandal' exclusive story, when she suddenly realized her marbles were back in her noddle.
"I just said 'Oh Shula!' in a more exasperated tone than I usually do and I suddenly realized I'd got them back" said Mrs Archer (84). "I was able to put forward an argument, and defend it. For the first time in ages I was able to see Shula as the mean-spirited hypocrite she is". Mrs Archer stopped to giggle "Oh goodness me! Did I really say that? Well, there you are then. My marbles are definitely back".
Mrs Archer (63) went on to confide in your reporter "I think my husband Phil has lost his marbles too. He won't admit it, of course, and whenever I raise the subject he says he needs to go out and check the size of his equipment with the other men in his little club. In fact, I think he took my marbles when he lost his."
Mrs Archer said she was initially helped in her loss by her children: "They're such bright, intelligent people. David, who shone at agricultural college, really knows where his marbles are and that's quite enough for his loyal faithful wife Sophie… I mean Ruth. And Alistair, Shula's husband, is a financial genius. He's been looking after all our investments recently, and now I've got my marbles back I can't wait to see what he's done with our money".
Mr Phil Archer (94) was unavailable for comment. Mr Alistair Lloyd (15 ¾) was reported to be absconding.
(Additional reporting by Ross Kirby)
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