The Longhorn and Ruairi
by Mustafa Grumble
Mustapha Grumble was inspired by the monologues of Stanley Holloway to contribute these parodies to the Fantasy Archers topic of
The Longhorn and Ruairi
There's a famous big house, Lower Loxley, that's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Brian Archer went there with young Ruairi, 'is son.
A grand little lad was young Ruairi, all dressed in his best; quite a swell,
With a stick with a Cuckoo's 'ead 'andle, the finest the Village Shop sells.
They didn't think much o' the Gallery. The paintin's were piddlin' and poor,
All done by dead Great Uncle Rupert, Fact, nowt much to look at at all.
So, seeking for further amusement, they paid and went into Rare Breeds,
Where they'd Longhorns and Tamworths and Soays. And wine, and some new local cheese.
There were one great big Longhorn called Alice. Her nose were all posh and upturned.
She lay on a Vicarage blanket, a-crying at 'aving been spurned.
Now Ruairi had heard about Longhorns, how they was ferocious and wild.
To see Alice lying so peaceful, well, it didn't seem right to the child.
So straightway the brave little feller, not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with its Cuckoo's 'ead 'andle, and pushed it in Alice's ear.
You could see that the Longhorn didn't like it, for giving a kind of a smile,
She pulled Ruairi inside the stall with 'er, and tossed 'im about for a while.
Then Brian, who had seen the occurrence, and didn't know what to do next,
Said "Jenny! Yon Alice killed Ruairi". And Jenny said "Daahling, I'm vexed!"
Then Mr and Mrs Brian Archer, quite rightly, when all's said and done,
Complained to Elizabeth Pargetter, That Alice had trampled his son.
Lizzie was quite nice about it. She said "What a nasty affair.
Are you sure it's your boy Alice trod on?" "Am I sure?" 'e said, "There's his red hair!"
Then Nigel had to be sent for and said "I say, gosh, what a to-do!"
Brian said "Yon Alice killed little Ruairi, and Jenny's been ill on her new Jimmy Choos!"
Then Jenny said, "Right's right, Nigel and Lizzie; I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a Longhorn to go and kill Ruairi, And after we've paid to come in."
Then off they all went to Phil Archer, and in front of that once great JP,
They told 'im what happened to Ruairi, and Jill gave them a nice cup of tea.
The Pargetters wanted no trouble, they filled out a claim form right away,
Saying "How much to settle the matter?" Brian said "What do you usually pay?"
But Jenny had turned a bit awkward, when she thought where young Ruairi had gone.
She said "No! Someone's got to be Summonsed". So that was decided upon.
The Vicar 'e gave his opinion, that no one was really to blame,
And he said that he hoped that the Aldridges would have further sons to their name.
At that Jenny got right proper blazing. "No thank you, Alan" said she.
"What, waste my life raising his children? To please ruddy Brian? Not me!"
The Return Of Ruairi - The Summoning
You've 'eard 'as a young lad named Ruairi, in "Rare Breeds" at Lower Loxley one year,
With a stick with a Cuckoo's 'ead 'andle, gave a Longhorn a poke in the ear.
The name of the Longhorn was Alice. The poke in the ear made 'er wild;
And before you could say "Bob's your uncle," she'd up and she'd trampled the child.
Now Mr and Mrs Brian Archer, were startin' to feel quite a strain,
For takin' young Ruairi to Â鶹ԼÅÄ Farm, 'Ad driven their children away.
The poor lad 'ad even started settlin', with Phoeb's lamp shinin' right through t' night,
And with all that they both 'ad just been through, they felt losin' 'im now weren't quite right.
Poor Brian were right weak and kept crying that "Myson 'ad bin kilt by that cow",
But Jenny were strong and she wanted - a come-back, and wanted it now.
So she decided to call on t' Coven, and to Bridge Farm she went up t' Priestess,
And she asked, she begged, and she pleaded till the Priestess - the 'ell Queen - said yes.
That night Helen summonsed the Coven to yon altar atop Lakey Hill
And on top of t'altar were laid Ruairi, though Alice's tramples 'ad left 'im quite still.
Around were stood Peggy, and Jolene, and young Fallon, and Kirsty and Pat,
And Caroline, Christine and Shula - now don't look so surprised as all that!
Said Jenny "I must thank you for coming, And afterwards, look - I've brought tea."
But 'ellqueen said "If we're really to raise 'im, we'll need summat stronger, you see.
"Let's look at what Jennifer's brought us, And see just quite what we 'ave there.
A picture of Siobhan, and a Mousie, and a lock of his mother's red 'air!"
Around t'altar they circled, them witches. And all of 'em swayed and they chanted,
And a mist took a form above Ruairi, and from it a figure called "Granted!
"I couldn't quite steal away Brian, But dyin' so young were revenge.
Jenny promised she'd raise my dear Ruairi, And 'is killin' I might well avenge."
Then there on that Lakey Hill altar, Ruairi's body it started to stir,
"I want, I want, I want Mousie", from afar, his weak voice, it were heard.
Said Jenny to the Coven there assembled, "Oh how could I ever thank you?
We really did think as we'd lost im, 'and 'im drawin' his fridge stencils too."
When the Pargetters 'eard all about this, their relief were writ' plain on their faces,
And The Vicar of Ambridge 'n all, at St Stephens gave thanks and 'igh praises.
Yon Brian 'ad scarce stopped his weepin' when a face at the window they see,
And Jenny says "Ee! Look, it's Ruairi", and Brian says "Aye, it would be."
Young Ruairi came in all excited, and started 'is story to give.
And Brian said "I'll never betray Jenny again, not for as long as I live."
And a hug he gave to 'is Ruairi before to "Der Maus" the lad ran.
And Brian says "Ee! Just a moment. Don't be in a hurry, young man."
Then giving young Ruairi a lawyer he said "Pop back to Lower Loxley, pet.
'Ere's yer stick with the 'Cuckoo's 'ead 'andle. Go and sue them for what you can get!"
