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Al's a Loser
by Vicky S
 With so many versions of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah around, there's surely room for two more, from The Fantasy Archers topic of .
Now I've heard there is a message board
Where many post but few are bored
Where we don't really care for A. Lloyd do we?
It goes like this
At five past seven
A hush descends across the nation
United with one breath sing 'Al's a loser.'
Al's a loser, Al's a loser
Al's a loser, Al's a loser.
Shul's faith was strong but she needed proof
She saw him bathing in the buff
The beauty of his bott quite overwhelmed her.
She tied him
To the kitchen chair
And said "Al, you are staying there,
Until I hear you say 'Yes I'm a loser.'"
"Oh Al, I've been here once before
I know the signs, I know the score
I knew deceit before I even met you.
I've traced your gambling loss online
Now you're a lifer doing time
In Archer chokey, yes poor Al's a loser,
Al's a loser, Al's a loser
Al's a loser, Al's a loser.
[Ryan's Solo]
I done my best, no, it weren't much
Knew you was rich so tried to touch
You for a monkey, but I couldn't fool you.
And even though it all went wrong
I taught you the twelve steps were long
And as a mentor - Al you are a loser.
Al's a loser, Al's a loser
Al's a loser, Al's a loser
And here's a version contributed almost exactly a year before, by Mr Snowy:
Professor Jim thought it was odd
The woman spoke so much of God
"You know He isn't there; oh really, Shula!
He will not ease your daily cares
Despite your hymns and earnest prayers"
But she just smiled and whispered "Hallelujah"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
"Your faith is strong, I do not doubt
But when at last will you work out
It's all a fiendish plot meant to subdue you"
"I have to trust what Alan says
The Lord moves in mysterious ways
I count my blessings and say 'Hallelujah'"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
"If we were to debate the case
Each time I'm bound to trump your ace
Yes in a test of wits I would outdo you"
"It's true we don't see eye to eye
I cannot wait to wave goodbye
The earth will shake as I yell 'Hallelujah'"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
"Now don't you think it was a crime
He took your Mark before his time
How could a loving God cause such pain to you?"
"Mark did not have much time on earth
But think of Daniel's wondrous birth
It makes you want to shout out 'Hallelujah'"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
"And what of Dan? I see it plain
You set out to control his brain
I'll teach how to think for himself, Shula"
"There's not a hope now for your plan
I had the child, I'll have the man
Just like the Jesuits say; Hallelujah"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
"You speak of love but mock the views
Of those who want to keep the pews
The miles between your words and deeds undo you"
"I know you aim my faith to dent
But still my first avowed intent's
To love my fellow man, oh hallelujah"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
"To dwell on love is somewhat queer
I've spoken to the folk round here
They mentioned Richard Locke, how well he knew you
I mean that in the Bible's sense
You surely can have no defence
Hello, hypocrisy, thy name is Shula"
How he knew you, how he knew you
How he knew you, how he knew you
She heard him speak with clarity
Out went her Christian charity
"I know there's vile misanthropy right through you
That's once too oft you've pushed your luck
It's time for you to sling your hook
You're going home today; cry "Hallelujah"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
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