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Definitely not Delia
by duzzents
 A humorous vignette from the topic of
Scene - A TV Studio Kitchen
Titles up
CLUMSY OLD MEN
With Philip Archer and Bert Fry
Cooking for the - um - more mature.
Phil and Bert stand at the counter, plastic - oops, re-usable bags in front of them.
Phil: Good morning everyone, today I thought I'd do my best to give you a little taste of the wonderful cooking we sampled when we travelled in South East Asia and New Zealand. And Bert . . .?
Bert: A cake I've got for you today.
'Twill keep your wife at home.
Just fatten her a little bit
And she will never roam! Ha Ha, eh Mr Archer? Eh Eh?
Phil: (Whispers) Shhhhh Bert, you're supposed to call me Phil while we're doing this!
(faces camera) Well, we do hope you'll enjoy this Bang Bang chicken, a classic Chinese dish and, what cake did you say you're showing us today Bert?
Bert: 'Tis Cornish Heavy Cake I'm making.
With a few additions of my own.
When it's finished with the baking
'Twill be most beautifully brown.
Phil: (Whispers) That doesn't rhyme Bert.
Bert: Poetic licentiousness intit!
Phil: Oooh - kaaay. Hm-hm. Well, we've got all the ingredients in these bags, courtesy of my dear wife Jill. So first (empties bag on counter with a flourish) for the chicken, you'll need:
One chicken breast - we seem to have turkey, but it's much the same.
two tablespoons nut - um, olive oil, (sighs) well it is extra virgin.
two small, mild chillis - ah a jalapeno so we'll er, only need half as much!
Sesame seeds - we shall have such fun toasting those later.
brown sugar and a little rice wine - er, sherry.
and some crunchy peanut butter - Bert, give that back.
What's in your bag, Bert?
Bert: A pound of best self-raising flour.
Of butter three good ounces
Sultanas and some salt for power.
Butter and lard for bounces.
Phil: (Aside) Bert, that doesn't even make sense. Are you sure Freda will eat it with that that much lard in it?
Bert: She'll eat it I am bound to say,
One way or another . . . way!
Phil: Ahem! Now we come to the fun bit. Having poached the chicken for a few minutes, remove it from the pan and place it on the board like so, ready to be beaten into shreds. Bert, just take this mallet while I hold the board and - when I nod my head just hit it...
WE MUST APOLOGISE FOR THIS BREAK IN TRANSMISSION - NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
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